Posts Tagged ‘work’

I have had this conversation with so many people it’s stupid, and sometimes I’m shocked at the answer I get. It’s simple, if you won the lottery, or otherwise came into an enormous sum of money – would you keep your job? This hypothetical amount of money would have to be enough to live on, of course, or else this conversation is pointless. I have run into this answer more than once and it drives me insane. “I would keep working, at least part-time. I would be so bored otherwise.” Are you fucking kidding me? If I had the winning powerball numbers I would quit my job before the final number was even finished being read on TV. I would take a great deal of satisfaction in going into the office the next day as if nothing happened to just do whatever the hell I wanted, all day. I’d play Tetris, make personal calls, get hammered and fall in and out of sleep. When, inevitably, somebody finally asks me to get to work I might fart into my cupped hand and waft it their way, presenting it as a gift then walk out without a word. I’m not terribly confident I wouldn’t send an email to the whole office of my bare ass with the winning ticket stuck to it. There is also a slight chance I would bust into the office through the window on a zip line later that week after a 3 day bender in Vegas to gather my things, set them on fire then piss on them to put it out… because I’m fucking rich, that’s why. I love the people I work with, and this wouldn’t be done out of malice. I would quit almost ANY job upon becoming filthy rich. I just don’t know if I would be able to contain myself. Listen, I don’t care what anybody says – people are not meant to sit at a desk while being watched and judged for 8 hours a day. The pure elation that would come with the thought of knowing I’ll never have to do that again would make me drunk with creative ways to celebrate – appropriate or not.

People have told me, “You would get bored being at home all day.” 1) If you honestly think that, you obviously don’t know me too well and 2)Who says I’ll be at home? If I feel like having crab legs for lunch, I’ll take a trip to Maine. Feel the urge to riot, loot or kill? We could head down to New Orleans during hurricane season. You would be surprised how not bored I’d be playing Xbox on my 50 foot TV all day. I really do believe that if you are one of those people who says they would still work if they won the lottery – you’re either full of shit or don’t know how to have fun. Take a good deal of that money and bank it, invest it, find ways to make it grow then enjoy sleeping in every day and doing whatever the hell you please. We get one life (unless you’re delusional, then you think we might get another up in the sky) so why the hell would I spend it commuting, reporting, frustrated or deadlined? If you ever win the lottery and feel the need to keep working, give me your winning ticket and I’ll have fun for you – because you’ve obviously given up on life. So what do you think – would you work, or quit?

(Also – it’s a celebration bitches, this is my 150th post!)

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If you’ve ever been sat down in front of a computer for 8 hours a day you have undoubtedly been exposed to some of the most mind numbing, inane bullshit one should ever have to handle. I have very little tolerance for the moronic, and when your email address is linked to thousands of others, you’re bound to run into a few half-wit dicktards just begging to let everybody know how close they are to proving Darwin right. One of the clearest examples of pure, unadulterated ineptitude is the chain reaction one person sets off with a dumbass question sent to a distribution list. Depending on the size of your company, this can last a few minutes or a few hours. Whichever way this scenario goes, most times I’d rather hold my eyelids open over a pan of sizzling bacon than to read whatever the next numbnuts has to say. In case you’ve never had the distinct pleasure to watch one of these nonsensical displays of incompetence unfold, I’ll generically outline what it might look like for you (with embellishments).

From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person distribution list
I’m having trouble with the new operating system, I’ve tried everything but can’t seem to execute this function
From: Asshat #2
To: 2000 person dist. list
We are having that problem too, let me know what you find out. Instead of just replying to you, which I obviously should have done, I replied to all because I’m useless
From: Asshat #3
To: 2000 person dist. list
I hate when I have said problem! I get that all the time, UGH! I just restart my computer usually and it goes away because I’m completely retarded (stupid emoticon). I also replied to all because I just want you to see my name on your computer screen and I’ll cut myself at night if I don’t get this kind of attention.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
Stop replying to all! There are like 2000 people on this list
From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person dist. list
Woops, sorry (stupid emoticon)
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
No, you just did it again – you replied to all. This isn’t helping!
From: Asshat #5
To: 2000 person dist. list
Replying to all in order to say “stop replying to all”  is pretty dumb.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
You just did it too, so who’s dumb?
From: Asshat #6
To: 2000 person dist. list
You guys are both dumb for arguing about replying to all by replying to all. Haha, idiots.
From: Asshat #3
To: 2000 person dist. list
Hey guys! In case you forgot about me, I’m still here! Now I’ll say something idiotic again (stupid emoticon)
From: Asshat #7
To: 2000 person dist. list
Hey, Asshat #1, to fix that problem you have to download the file from the main server to install the update – that should fix it.
From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person dist. list
Thanks all, I got what I needed
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
Yes, we know because everybody has replied to all the whole time!
From: Asshat #8
To: 2000 person dist. list
[cliche picture of a man looking frustrated]
From: Asshat #9
To: 2000 person dist. list
[another picture depicting frustration, but I’ll send one so big it will slow down all of your computers – ironically making the situation worse]
From: Asshat #10
To: 2000 person dist. list
This whole thing has been ridiculous, I can’t believe you guys are all replying to all. There are like 2000 people on this list.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
ARE YOU F&#$ING KIDDING ME?!?!
From: Asshat #5
To: 2000 person dist. list
Please take me off of this list

Yeah, they all kind of look like this

The confession? I love these. I absolutely LOVE when this happens. Every time I see a dumb question posed to a distribution list of over 500 people I cross my fingers and hope to high hell that somebody else can’t help themselves but to add on to the heaping pile of verbal diarrhea. It is one of very few things I am able to look forward to on a daily basis while staring at a computer screen, fighting back the headaches and resisting the urge to fill my coffee cup with Everclear.
And on a side note – any time somebody replies “Got it” to an email and misspells it to read “Go Tit”, I giggle like a little girl.

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I tend to hear this a lot, and I feel the need to clear the air a little on this one. Monday seemed like the best time to post this seeing as how, on this day, I generally contemplate whether I should just wake up or throw myself out of bed head first hoping to go unconscious. There is a fine line between being a negative person and just opening your fucking eyes. If it seems like I’m cynical or negative it’s because you, in some way, have been protected throughout life to believe that everything has some silver lining or greater meaning. I’m here to tell you that it’s all bullshit. Am I bitter? Hell yes I am, I was promised flying cars by now.

Read the paper or watch the news and tell me how peachy everything is. The lame are breeding, the greedy are running our country and those in the highest offices of nuclear power believe in and accept the fact that Armageddon is God’s will. Call me crazy but I am not comfortable with the fact that people who can launch weapons of mass destruction are the same people who believe that their invisible man is more powerful than somebody else’s invisible man (and both invisible men think they are correct). Religion has already proved to be nothing but a dick showing contest anyway (I didn’t even see that pun coming) so I reeeaaally don’t like the fact that meatheads who can potentially end the world are feeling a little insecure. The inmates are running the asylum and we all have a front row seat.

They say you have to enjoy the little things… well yeah, because that’s the only amount of time you have to do so. After sleeping and the 40 hour/week time dump, we aren’t left with much time to enjoy. So enjoying the little things is easy because we are given, in fact,  very little time to do it. After spending 8 hours with a plastic smile and artificial emotions I am permitted maybe 3 hours to relax, enjoy myself and be with my wife. Then it’s back to bed to do it all over again. Sprinkle in some nightly news of the latest murders and political corruption and it’s almost laughable.

I used to be a relaxed, happy guy. My problem is that I, for some reason, had some retarded notion that I would do something different or special, perhaps make a name for myself. Then I grew up and realized that the vast majority of us are all so shockingly average and it makes me want to throw up. There are millions just like me who drone on every day and go through the motions but they have the blessed ability to block it out and trick themselves into believing that this is what happiness is. I suppose I’m a victim of my own mind, I can’t stand not understanding something and this is one I have yet to wrap my head around. I’ve been told that “this is how it is”, “this is life” and to “get used to it.”  If I’m going to get blank, mindless answers like that then I’m going to state simply “not for me, it isn’t.”

Listen, I find happiness in plenty of things, it’s not like I’m walking around kicking dogs and punching infants. It just pisses me off that we have so little time for them that they occupy an incredibly small percentage of our life’s pie chart. Most people find ways of dealing with this, so I guess this is mine. It is just aggravating that this is it, this is what we’re here for. Most of our lives are spent kissing ass, filling quotas or pretending like the smile on our face isn’t completely fake. So am I bitter? I guess it depends on how you look at it. I laugh plenty, and have fun in my own way (to the chagrin of most). So if it seems like I’m poking fun at everything or being cynical, it’s because if I’m not able to laugh at all of the ridiculous bullshit that goes on I will lose my mind. Some call it being negative, I call it being realistic – so kiss my ass. We’re not here for long, so I wish I could trick myself into buying the happy package but I, unfortunately, don’t have blinders on. Is the glass half full? Well it better be, of whiskey, because I’m going to need it.

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I wasn’t sure if this really qualified for the “Dont be that guy” category, but I make the rules around here, so deal with it. 90% of my day-to-day is spent on the phone, so I come in contact with a lot of terribly aggravating people and have compiled a list of things that, essentially, just piss me off (shocking, I know).

“Woops, Hang on”: If you’re going to ask me for information, be prepared to take that damn information. There are fewer interactions more aggravating than when somebody will ask you, for example, “what’s your callback number?” Then as soon as you begin to say it they interject with, “woops, hang on, I need to grab a pen.” What the fuck do you mean ‘woops’? What in the shit did you just ask me for if you weren’t ready to write it down? What the hell did you expect would happen next, the god damn number would fall out of the phone and onto the paper? You moron, how about the next time you pull some bullshit like that, I’ll wait until you get a pen, then I’ll say my number very quietly to force you to ask me to speak up a few times before I just fart into the phone and hang up. Deal?

Unprepared callback: On a related note, it’s not uncommon for any of us to call somebody for information and have them call us back after they found it. The part of this process that makes me want to take cover in a bell tower is the scenario where nothing gets accomplished but multiple calls are made, let me explain. If I call you for something and you need to call me back once you’ve found it, call me crazy, but I expect you to have it ready. After you’ve found whatever you needed (let’s say an address) and you call me back, it’s normal for me to ask, “What is that address?” If you answer, “Hang on, I have it right here somewhere” I’m going to scream into the receiver before repeatedly smashing my phone off of the desk until it breaks, then I’ll call you back from my cell phone to reiterate what a fucktard you are. What the hell happened from the time you got the address and called me back? What shiny object caught your eye causing you to lose all train of thought? Idiot.

Hlisgnlsbhgdsy: Doesn’t make sense, does it? Well neither does your voice when you call me while you’re fucking eating! Save your lunch for the noon hour, and spare me the awful noises that come sloshing from your jowls after my phone rings. I don’t know what’s worse, listening to you gargle on a mouthful of chicken wings, slurp on your drink, or the fact that I can picture you’re gluttonous ass sitting at your desk with sauce all over your cheeks while you stuff your ugly face. I’ve decided that, from now on, if you insist on calling me with a mouthful of food, I’m going to call you while I’m in the bathroom taking a piss – it echoes pretty good in there. Finish your food before picking up the phone, you disgusting pig.

Stop copying me!: We are not in a romantic comedy movie and we’re not married, so stop finishing my god damn sentences. Want to make sure we have the same info? Read me what you have, or let me read to you what I have. Don’t wait for me to get halfway through then finish the rest, because besides being completely annoying and terribly vain, it really makes me want to hang up, call you back and hang up repeatedly for the next 7 hours. Either that or repeat every word you say, like a 5-year-old would. That would be pretty fucking annoying, wouldn’t it?

Call me right back: If you call me and I just miss it, then call you back seconds later and you don’t answer – I am driving to your house, taking your phone and throwing into the street then running it over with my car repeatedly. What the hell did you do from the time you’ve brought the phone from your ear and placed it back into your pocket? If you just called me, you must be available to answer which only leaves me, by deductive reasoning, with one conclusion: You are an ass bag.

K-I-L-L  M-E: I’m not sure how common this is for everybody else, but it happens to me every day and it’s the reason why I’ll die a terribly angry person. If your grasp on the English language isn’t the best, have somebody else make your phone calls for you because my patience for incoherent, broken, spelled-out sentences is non-existent. Spelling out street and business names is bad enough, but it’s even worse if I can’t even tell which one we’re talking about. A word of advice: if you need to spell out more than one word in a paragraph to make it understandable, you might need a green card and the latest version of Rosetta Stone. Just send me a fucking email, because it’s likely that I’m only seconds away from crumpling some paper near the phone and pretending the call was lost.

Cave man: If, when I pick up the phone, it sounds like you are sitting in the middle of a Cathedral while typing on the computer, receiving a fax, talking to a co-worker, and finishing your lunch – chances are you have me on speaker phone. In case you haven’t figured it out by now, we can’t hear a god damn thing you’re saying. I rip out clumps of my own hair when one of these speaker phone shit heads yells from the other side of the room, “You’ll need to speak up, I can’t hear you.” No, you need to put in the excruciating effort to lift the phone from the hook and place it next to your stupid face so I can make sure you hear what I’m about to say: If you are going to be too lazy to pick up the damn phone, then I’m going to lose all motivation to be of any worth to the conversation. Any question you ask is going to be answered with a random color, bodily function, or some combination of both. For example: (on speaker phone) “Hi Nick, were you able to take care of that for me?” I’ll reply, “Sneezing yellow fart” and hang up. The respect is mutual, dickhead.

I’m sure there plenty more situations that have you yelling insults into your phone, or elaborations on these, so let me hear them!

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