Posts Tagged ‘stupid’

Yeah, I said “retarded”, get over it. Anyway, how was your 4th of July? Did you blow your hand off like I said you would? I spent mine at Summerfest (big Milwaukee festival – food, drinks, mediocre music, yada yada). My wife, aware of my affinity for the ridiculous, pointed out one of the most asinine trends I have seen in a long time. My attention span was ruined for the rest of the day, I couldn’t believe what I was looking at.

So apparently this is a thing now – hiked up multi-colored NBA socks. Listen, I’m not “stylish”. I don’t “wear pants all of the time.” I never claim to “know what I look like when I leave the house.” Yes, my favorite shirt is one that reads “It’s not a beer belly, it’s a fuel tank for a sex machine”, but I would never be caught wearing some dumbass concoction of flamboyant eyesore shit like this.

This is coming from somebody who grew up in the city of Chicago, so I’ve seen my fair share of ridiculous trends but this one has me scratching my head. It honestly looks as if this guy asked his 3-year-old to put together his outfit for him. Even the 3-year-old probably giggled as he grabbed daddy’s yellow socks and black sneakers, thinking about how god damn stupid he was going to look. Much to my dismay, this cretinous collection of idiotic fashion statements were everywhere. Every direction I looked there were NBA socks: lime green, blaze orange, red, blue, most accompanied by shorts of the completely opposite color. I couldn’t prepare my camera phone quick enough to keep up with them all. I even snapped a picture while riding the sky deck.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, there they were:

Yep, socks and sandals, outdoors, in public.

I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry – I’m an equal opportunity observational retorter.

If there is anything I have learned from this, it’s that there is no such thing as “fashion.” The term perception is reality couldn’t be more true here. They really believe, in their heart of hearts, that they look cool (the same way these assholes do). All of these trends are just an example of what happens when enough people are willing to look as stupid as one person does. Who is responsible for this crap anyway? If anybody knows the origin of this nonsense, please, comment away. If I ever become rich and famous enough to carry this kind of influential power, I’m going to start wearing pants on my arms and shirts on my legs just to see how far they’ll go. The thing that really chaps my ass is that they’re not even doing anything original here, this is just a new spin on an old classic.

Still stupid, 50 years later

Here are a few more, because inconspicuously taking all these pictures was not easy.

I spent the long weekend convincing myself that this wasn’t an actual thing, but I’m afraid I might be wrong. Is this happening everywhere, or have I just been unlucky enough to now live in a place where it looks like the Easter Bunny threw up all over everybody’s feet?

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Independence Day is almost here, so before you prove to your kid how cool you are by blowing your hand off you will most likely, at some point, be standing in a line at the grocery store to stock up. This doesn’t have to be a horrible experience, but you’ll have to keep your wits about you. It is very important to keep your head on a swivel, as choosing which check out line you stand in is of great importance. Sure, it’s tempting to pick the line with the hottest clerk, but they’re normally the dumbest ones so don’t be fooled. It’s hard to check somebody out quickly when you can’t read or operate a computer, so skip the Jersey Shore wannabe and find the savvy veteran. You’re looking for messy hair, a fake smile and the smell of cigarettes – because those people want to get you out of there just as fast as you want to leave. Look for flair, or a banged up name tag. The brand new name tag or one with a written-in name on it is a clear sign that you have a rookie and need to abort immediately. Once you’ve made sure the clerk you’ve chosen can read, stays away from spray-on tans and has a few merit badges on their vest – it’s time to scan the crowd.

You will need to pay very close attention to shopping carts and the items contained therein. All other shoppers need to be considered your competition, and treated as such. I don’t trust fruit or vegetables. Anything without a UPC can be subject to a price check intercom call – in which case you’re better off just opening that box of Oreos and taking a seat, because it’s going to be a while before the stock boy finishes his bong hit and makes his way up from the back room.

If you see grey, walk away. The only thing slower than standing behind an elderly person in the grocery line is the Cubs march to a World Series title. Don’t forget that they’re usually packing coupons too, and that is 15 minutes you will never get back.

Keep an eye out for lurkers – they are a pawn in the “lurk and swoop” tactic. Has some woman ever asked to cut you in line because she only has 1 item? This is a red flag, don’t become a victim. If they really only have 1 item they can use the self checkout or go to Walgreens, don’t buy into the bullshit. Watch for people hovering nearby with a cart packed with groceries, if you spot somebody putsing around aimlessly – tell that bitch to stuff it and start filling up the conveyor belt. Trust me, the minute you let her jump in front of you, her snot nosed teenager will come barreling in with a cart full of groceries. I have enough going on during the holiday weekend, I don’t have the time or energy to publicly berate somebody in front of her kids.

Sometimes it’s not as easy to choose your line, there are times when split-second decisions need to be made. Any hesitation at all could cost you an extra 20 minutes standing behind the behemoth man in his motorized cart. Consider the situations below. The color green indicates your average in and out shopper – easily scanned items, no fruit or coupons and sitting at a healthy, quick, mid-life age range. Yellow can represent a slightly slower shopper – maybe you notice a few coupons, or even grey hair – but using your best judgement you would have to assume they’re not too slow. Red will represent a dreadful, old, coupon having, broke, fruit lover who doesn’t know their ass from their elbows – you want to avoid them at all costs, sometimes even if they only have a few items. The numbers represent the number of items each person has in their cart. Exhibit A demonstrates a no-brainer situation: The left lane has 30 items total among red and yellow shoppers while the right line contains 15 total items mainly distributed among the competent variety of shoppers. Pick the line to the right, dumbass. Exhibit B is where it gets a little tricky. The line on the left is predominantly red and yellow shoppers, but they only have 20 total items whereas the line on the right has 15 more items, but are held by quick shoppers. Don’t be afraid to cheat a little, favor the right line but position yourself for the easy switch in case the clerk in left line happens to be an all-star during the middle of his shift. Set yourself up for success and stay sharp, these things can change quickly.

Most importantly, trust your instincts – if they look stupid, they probably are. If the guy in line looks like he might only have $3 in his bank account, he probably does, and get out – because voiding an entire sale due to non-sufficient funds will require you to break out the Oreos again. I know this may seem funny now, but you won’t be laughing when some pimple faced jerkoff cuts you in line after his mother preyed on your kindness and the old lady in front of you shakily gathers her coupons to give to the half-wit bimbo clerk… are those bags of apples, broccoli and nectarines? Cancel your plans.

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The new iPhone 4 goes on sale today, which means groves of people are lined up at electronics stores across the country foaming at the mouth, dry humping each other in frantic anticipation. Have you seen Apple’s tag line? “iPhone 4. This Changes Everything. Again.” The only thing that would make that more insulting to current iPhone users would be to add “…Bitch” at the end of it. It’s like saying, “We’re awesome and you know it, so you’re going to follow us like lemmings. Again.” I’m sure it’s awesome, and I’m sure any ass hat standing in line would be willing to tell me all of the little changes they made to justify spending another $200 and pitching a tent (literally and figuratively) outside of Best Buy, but come on.

They’re touting the video calling feature – no thanks. One of my favorite things to do is make obscene gestures while I talk or, most of the time, not pay any attention at all. If somebody wants to watch me play Madden while nodding my head and replying “uh-huh” to everything, come over, I’ll do the same thing in person.

“Multitasking – give everything your undivided attention.” Except the road, work, school, your significant other or the rest of the world.

“Chemically strengthened engineered glass and a stainless steel band.” I don’t join jousting competitions with my phone or use it for batting practice so I’m good, thanks.

“Gyro + Accelerometer.” I have no idea what this means, but Gyros are delicious. Point: iPhone.

It’s a damn phone, so if you can forget for a moment about how tightly Steve Jobs has you by the balls you’ll realize that standing in line for 6 hours for it is fucking ridiculous. Why do you need to wait in line for it? You are the first to get a new phone, congratulations dipshit. Enjoy all the bugs and glitches, the rest of us will buy one when they fix them and the price goes down. If I need to go to Best Buy for anything today I’m bringing a bat so I can mow down the crowd and take your money like hookers in Grand Theft Auto (cause I know you’re packin’). After you get your iPhone, just be sure to clean the excited mess you made in your pants with the iPad you were raped on a month ago.

stole the picture from @JoelKodner’s blog (awesome, btw)

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This dumbass duo of potheads tried to cash in on the wonders of internet solicitation. Problem is, they were high when they came up with the idea.

Tweedle dee and tweedle dunce were quickly emailed with a trade offer, to an undercover cop. Creative? Sure. Smart? Furthest thing from.

If you thought that was pretty stupid, you won’t believe the kind of shit this Vermont teenager pulled. Nicholas Buckalew, 18, broke into a tomb, opened the casket and sawed off a dead man’s head with the intention of making it into a bong. He then told his friends he did it because “he was bored.” Kids have sure come along way from the apple. Police exercised a search warrant and found the head, hacksaw, crowbar and pieces of the casket. He was going to hide all the evidence, but then he got high.

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Better known as “One of Those Stupid Assholes from Jersey Shore”,  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has found a new way to completely embarrass himself. Adding to the list of things he is terrible at and doomed to failure in, The Situation is going to prove to the world that he not only sucks in general, but now he sucks specifically at rapping too. I, personally, can’t figure out where he found the time to get this done. In between his trips to the gym, tanning bed, ironing board, cat calling women and filming YouTube videos only the brainless give a shit about, he has managed to squeeze in a few minutes to come up with arguably the most awful thing you will ever hear. TMZ first broke a clip of his song which includes incredibly poetic lyrics such as, “Woah, the situation. Woah, woah the mother effing situation. Woah, woah the situation.” Breathtaking. I would expect nothing less from a collaboration with guys named Fatman Scoop, DJ Class, and The Disco Fries. They even put their brilliant minds together to come up with the inventive song title of “The Situation.” Musical masterminds. You can listen to the clip at TMZ here, but I caution you – there is no coming back from that.

Included, but not limited to, in the things I’d rather do than listen to this are: pierce my scrotum with a rusty nail, close my face in a george foreman, watch baseball, be accosted by a priest or listen to Ke$ha. I’m shocked every time a “musician” like Ke$ha or Lady Gaga start selling records, but I shouldn’t be. The bar for good music has been set so low that pretty much any assortment of frequencies including a bass line has every dumbass in the world uniting to pump fists and deny their retardation. It’s gotten so bad that a guy like The Situation just walked into a room with that piece of crap track and other people in the room actually looked at each other and said, “Yes! Let’s all put our names on this so everybody knows that we endorse it!” The collaborative brain function of the average orange-faced Jersey Shore fan is somewhere near that of a half-aborted fetus with downs, but there is no way anybody can think this is good music. I guarantee I’ll be shocked again though when the dickbag actually sells some of these, then thanks god for his achievements – furthering my argument for de-evolution. Stay in the tanning bed and turn it on high, you’ll be doing the world a favor.

This is sign language for "I'm a douchebag"

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If you’ve watched the World Cup at all recently you’re probably wondering, “Where is the giant pile of shit?” Considering the constant buzzing of flies around the stadium I thought there must have been a huge waste hole somewhere nearby, and considering the location, I wouldn’t be too surprised. I was shocked to find out that this ridiculous, overbearing, endless annoyance is actually being produced by the fans… on purpose! They all have a plastic noisemaker named a Vuvuzela horn, which translates to “Instrument of petulance” (I looked it up on Wikipedia, it HAS to be accurate). They are being sold extremely cheap to ensure that every fan in the stadium has the ability to contribute to another’s eventual deafness. They tried to have them banned, being described by some people on the field as sounding like a “heard of elephants.” Some players said they can’t even communicate on the field just a few feet away from each other. Will they be banned? Hell no, manufacturing those things for 20 cents and selling them for $3 is the reason why the rand (South African dollar) was the best-performing currency against the US Dollar a few years back (or maybe that’s an indictment, whatever) – They’re making assloads of money off of them and aren’t dumb enough to stop. People get murdered for their diamonds… MURDERED, do you honestly think they give a shit if some old man is inconvenienced by another blaring fart noises in his ear? Doubt it. The rest of the world pays money to get shit faced, fight each other and yell in order to be annoying. The South Africans make a killing by manufacturing horns that annoy the piss out of everybody. I’ve also read that they are selling ear-plugs marketed as “vuvu-stop”… GENIUS! They took a page out of the American medical playbook – create something to sell that causes a problem, then sell the solution – win/win! (unless you’re the vaccinated kid with autism…then it’s a lose/lose, but enough wet blanket for now)

That'll be 2 bucks

On TV it sounds like a constant barrage of flies, or as if somebody punched a hornets nest the size of Rhode Island. Regardless, it’s an easy way of knowing that you should either change the channel or leave the room. When it sounds like my wife let a family of bees take up residence in our living room, it lets me know that I should just stay in the basement. At the very least the Vuvuzela serves as an excellent source of white noise, contributing further to a televised soccer game’s ability to quickly put me to sleep. The biggest pro for the Vuvuzela horns, in my opinion (always right), is the way they drown out the British commentators. I would rather listen to Paris Hilton fart on a snare drum while trying to explain to me why she’s famous than to hear a British accent for any longer than 30 seconds. However, whenever I think I’m the one who’s annoyed, I remind myself that at least I’m not the guy sitting directly in front of some dickwad with one of those damn things aimed directly at the back of my head.

There are only a few times during which the Vuvuzela horn is permitted to be used. I don’t know all the rules, so this is based off of what I could tell from watching on TV:

Picture’s from the Tosh.0 blog. (Which, If you don’t frequent or watch the show – I question your outlook on life)

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Have you ever gotten so drunk that you killed your best friend? Pussy. Just yesterday I drank 6 beers! I know this because I saved all the caps in my pocket and updated Twitter upon completion of every one. Man up.

In Marietta, GA 2 friends were at the local bar for a few (36) drinks when they ran into a little trouble. After they played rock, paper, scissors to decide which one drove home, the passenger became ill (probably from the burger, definitely not the Budweiser and shots of Wild Turkey). Like anybody would do, he stuck his head out of the window to throw up and kept it out there for the remainder of the drive home. Like any good driver would do, he took a hard corner, sideswiped a telephone pole thereby decapitating his friend. I know what you’re thinking, “That can happen to anybody.. big deal.” It gets better (or worse, depending on which seat you’re in). This drunken asshole drove all the way home, got to his house, and went to bed. He found out he created a headless hillbilly when the cops busted his door to find him passed out, covered in blood. From here on out why don’t you give ME the keys, Andretti, this isn’t quite Daytona.

Yeah, no shit.

Sideswiping a pole and decapitating your friend is child’s play compared to the shit that went down in Crescent City, CA. Jarrod Wyatt, MMA Fighter, brutally murdered his friend after getting torn up on some mushrooms. Wyatt reportedly “became preoccupied with the idea that a tidal wave was coming, that the end of the world was upon them and that a struggle between God and the devil was taking place.” He looked at his friend and saw the face of the devil. Normal people, if hallucinating the devil, might laugh uncontrollably, ask questions or stand on their porch looking out into what they think is hell. When a trained fighter hallucinates the devil – he kills that mother fucker. After gouging his eyes out, he cut his tongue from his mouth then ripped his beating heart from his chest. “HOLY SHIT!” right? Well, after that he attempted to cook his friend’s heart in an attempt to “stop the devil.” When the cops showed up, Wyatt was relieved and asked if they were God, and if they were here to save him. Call me crazy, but I’ve never heard of anybody ripping somebody’s heart out over the big bang theory, or the belief that Darwin was upon us. It’s cool though, keep preaching fear and rapture, we’ll probably all be fine.

Yeah, no shit.

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