Posts Tagged ‘religion’

I have had this conversation with so many people it’s stupid, and sometimes I’m shocked at the answer I get. It’s simple, if you won the lottery, or otherwise came into an enormous sum of money – would you keep your job? This hypothetical amount of money would have to be enough to live on, of course, or else this conversation is pointless. I have run into this answer more than once and it drives me insane. “I would keep working, at least part-time. I would be so bored otherwise.” Are you fucking kidding me? If I had the winning powerball numbers I would quit my job before the final number was even finished being read on TV. I would take a great deal of satisfaction in going into the office the next day as if nothing happened to just do whatever the hell I wanted, all day. I’d play Tetris, make personal calls, get hammered and fall in and out of sleep. When, inevitably, somebody finally asks me to get to work I might fart into my cupped hand and waft it their way, presenting it as a gift then walk out without a word. I’m not terribly confident I wouldn’t send an email to the whole office of my bare ass with the winning ticket stuck to it. There is also a slight chance I would bust into the office through the window on a zip line later that week after a 3 day bender in Vegas to gather my things, set them on fire then piss on them to put it out… because I’m fucking rich, that’s why. I love the people I work with, and this wouldn’t be done out of malice. I would quit almost ANY job upon becoming filthy rich. I just don’t know if I would be able to contain myself. Listen, I don’t care what anybody says – people are not meant to sit at a desk while being watched and judged for 8 hours a day. The pure elation that would come with the thought of knowing I’ll never have to do that again would make me drunk with creative ways to celebrate – appropriate or not.

People have told me, “You would get bored being at home all day.” 1) If you honestly think that, you obviously don’t know me too well and 2)Who says I’ll be at home? If I feel like having crab legs for lunch, I’ll take a trip to Maine. Feel the urge to riot, loot or kill? We could head down to New Orleans during hurricane season. You would be surprised how not bored I’d be playing Xbox on my 50 foot TV all day. I really do believe that if you are one of those people who says they would still work if they won the lottery – you’re either full of shit or don’t know how to have fun. Take a good deal of that money and bank it, invest it, find ways to make it grow then enjoy sleeping in every day and doing whatever the hell you please. We get one life (unless you’re delusional, then you think we might get another up in the sky) so why the hell would I spend it commuting, reporting, frustrated or deadlined? If you ever win the lottery and feel the need to keep working, give me your winning ticket and I’ll have fun for you – because you’ve obviously given up on life. So what do you think – would you work, or quit?

(Also – it’s a celebration bitches, this is my 150th post!)

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Irony is a son of a bitch. A six-story statue of jesus in the town of Monroe, OH was struck by lightning and burned to the ground a few days ago. Did Jesus forget to clean his room? Was this a cruel form of omnipotent punishment? I searched like crazy to read the explanations from religious nutjobs but became increasingly frustrated when they continued to elude me. It’s funny how when something terrible happens (i.e. September 11th) the delusional masses find ways to exploit those situations into some ecclesiastical “I told you so” lecture (i.e. God is mad, so he allowed September 11th to happen to teach us a lesson). What happens when tragedy strikes their own iconic figure? Nothing. I guess there’s no good explanation for why God would shit where he eats huh? What I DID find, though, were plenty of explanations about how the steel frame was what attracted the lightning strike. So science and reason are admissible for this incident, but not for everything else they believe in? Selective reasoning is also called denial.

Church pastor, Darlene Bishop, said, “It will be back, but this time we are going to try for something fireproof.” What about prayer and holy water, no good? It’s the same reason why some churches have lightning rods on their steeple, and it’s a direct contradiction to their very dogma. Maybe they’re not so confident anymore? Listen, if you’re going to cite scientific fact of electrical conductivity in metal then I don’t think you’re allowed to hypothesize that a magic man created everything from thin air in 7 days with nothing to prove it with. If you’re going to be irrational, be irrational all the time – don’t jump in and out like some drunken moron attempting double-dutch. The damage to the statue and amphitheater is reported to be around $100,000 but it’s cool, when your company’s not taxed and your customers believe everything you tell them, you can make that up pretty quickly.

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Have you ever gotten so drunk that you killed your best friend? Pussy. Just yesterday I drank 6 beers! I know this because I saved all the caps in my pocket and updated Twitter upon completion of every one. Man up.

In Marietta, GA 2 friends were at the local bar for a few (36) drinks when they ran into a little trouble. After they played rock, paper, scissors to decide which one drove home, the passenger became ill (probably from the burger, definitely not the Budweiser and shots of Wild Turkey). Like anybody would do, he stuck his head out of the window to throw up and kept it out there for the remainder of the drive home. Like any good driver would do, he took a hard corner, sideswiped a telephone pole thereby decapitating his friend. I know what you’re thinking, “That can happen to anybody.. big deal.” It gets better (or worse, depending on which seat you’re in). This drunken asshole drove all the way home, got to his house, and went to bed. He found out he created a headless hillbilly when the cops busted his door to find him passed out, covered in blood. From here on out why don’t you give ME the keys, Andretti, this isn’t quite Daytona.

Yeah, no shit.

Sideswiping a pole and decapitating your friend is child’s play compared to the shit that went down in Crescent City, CA. Jarrod Wyatt, MMA Fighter, brutally murdered his friend after getting torn up on some mushrooms. Wyatt reportedly “became preoccupied with the idea that a tidal wave was coming, that the end of the world was upon them and that a struggle between God and the devil was taking place.” He looked at his friend and saw the face of the devil. Normal people, if hallucinating the devil, might laugh uncontrollably, ask questions or stand on their porch looking out into what they think is hell. When a trained fighter hallucinates the devil – he kills that mother fucker. After gouging his eyes out, he cut his tongue from his mouth then ripped his beating heart from his chest. “HOLY SHIT!” right? Well, after that he attempted to cook his friend’s heart in an attempt to “stop the devil.” When the cops showed up, Wyatt was relieved and asked if they were God, and if they were here to save him. Call me crazy, but I’ve never heard of anybody ripping somebody’s heart out over the big bang theory, or the belief that Darwin was upon us. It’s cool though, keep preaching fear and rapture, we’ll probably all be fine.

Yeah, no shit.

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Well, mainly because Godd (sic) preaches fear, irrational thinking and oversensitivity. So when you misspell his name, the followers come quickly with pitchforks. Don’t let it happen again, and don’t forget to pay up on Sunday or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.

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There’s always something on the news, or somebody writing something somewhere regarding the root of society’s problems. Money is a likely culprit, drugs get a bad rap and poor schooling is always thrown under the bus. Every moron with a laptop or microphone has an opinion but most of them dodge what I feel is the most obvious issue. Main stream media has yet, as far as I’ve noticed, to speak loudly about the fact that if stupid people just stopped having kids – most of the world’s problems would be alleviated.

Who’s out there running up credit card debts, filling our jails, remaining uneducated, getting pregnant in their teens and sticking oxycontin in their fucking noses? Idiots. And where do idiots come from? Older idiots. Every redneck or piece of garbage with working equipment is out there banging anything that moves without taking any precaution ending up with 300 god damn kids they can’t handle and don’t want. Ever hear stories about how mom or dad had to hold down 4 jobs in order to make ends meet? I’m sure it’s tragic but if mom or dad spent more time in class than on their back they wouldn’t have 7 kids they can’t support. From there it’s a ripple effect: can’t support kids? get more jobs; more jobs means you’re never home; never home means your kids are doing whatever they please; crazy kids = frustration; frustration = burnout; burnout = apathy. Apathetic, strung out, uneducated, stressed parents with too many out of control kids they never planned for is a disaster, and unfortunately extremely prevalent in today’s society. Those kids go on to make the same awful decisions their half-wit parents did leaving them uneducated and overwhelmed with 28 kids of their own to raise poorly and not give a shit about. Those idiots spawn more idiots, and so on, and so on… Who ends up taking the brunt of this nonsense? You and I. When Cletus and Gretchen kick the baby factory into high gear, spend their free time ripping bong hits, ignoring their kids and pissing away any money they have – we are the ones who have to pay for that shit. While you and I go to work, the ass hat twins are shitting out more kids, spelling their names incorrectly and passing out with the tourniquet still tied around their arms while they receive a stipend from us enabling them to stay that way. Are there some that might make it? Sure – but I’ve said it before: I. Do. Not. Have. Faith. In. Humanity.

It’s easily preventable though, that’s the worst part. If Dr. Dumbass wore a fucking condom or if Little Miss Shit-for-brains took her pill this would be a non-issue. Then they could waste their lives all by themselves and not drag any future convicts into the picture. If they used their fucking brains they would be able to focus on 2 kids instead of 30, thereby giving their children a fighting chance at life. Every kid comes with their share of problems, and chances are if you only have a few you’ll be able to afford it when something happens. Plenty of competent people have huge families who end up just fine, mainly because their parent’s IQs are at least in double digits.

It’s not uncommon to hear one of these assholes claim that their ignorance of birth control is due to their religious restriction – which makes me want to strangle them to within an inch of their life, then piss in their hair to wake them up. Please don’t try to tell me that your god would rather have 13 kids destined for failure than to have you take a pill to prevent it, because that is absolutely retarded. Anybody that short-sighted and controlling would be tossed from whatever office they held (unless they are figments of insecure imaginations, of course, then they serve terms of infinity).

If you see a cockroach in your house, you will probably call an exterminator. When that exterminator comes over do you think he will try to find and stomp out every single one? No – because that is extremely consumptive of time and resources not to mention incredibly ineffective. He will find the source – the nest, and destroy it.

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Sent to me by my friend Richard. Keep ’em coming pal!

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I know I’m a little late on this one, lick my ass, I’ve been busy. Besides, I thought it would be good to wait until everybody was sobered up so you can actually comprehend this. I caught this story on Cinco De Mayo about high-school kids who were told to remove their American flag shirts and bandanas or be suspended. “They said we could wear it on any other day,” Daniel Galli said, “but today is sensitive to Mexican-Americans because it’s supposed to be their holiday so we were not allowed to wear it today.” Is this guy kidding? Is this vice-principal so afraid of minorities that he felt the need de-America his school in fear of a revolucion? I suppose during Black History Month we should all have to wear a kufi. Or maybe on St. Patrick’s Day we should not be allowed to stay sober. Forcing somebody to recognize a holiday is almost as bad as bringing kids to church who are too young to think rationally.

Another student said the kids should apologize, and that “We don’t deserve to be get disrespected like that. We wouldn’t do that on the Fourth of July.” I’ll remember that the next time I’m grilling out on the 4th and a car drives by with the Mexican flag strapped to the hood and mariachi music blaring from the system. Forget, for a moment, that this is the United States of America and not Mexico. Also forget for a second that the only apology that should to be made is one to all English-speaking Americans. I can’t even begin to imagine what incredible waste of time and resources are put into forcing us to learn Spanish (I can count the credits I’ve pissed away). When it’s mandatory for immigrants to learn English, I’ll wear a fucking Lucha Libre mask every Cinco de Mayo. I’m pointing out the fact that this Mexican-American student tried to make a connection between Cinco de Mayo and the 4th of July when they have nothing to fucking do with each other! If you don’t even know why “your day” is being celebrated, I’m not going to give a shit either. I’ve found out that most people who celebrate it have no clue as to why, and most Mexicans think Americans are idiotic for doing so, and they’re right.

“Cinco de Mayo” celebrates a Spanish victory over the French, not their independence. We have somehow been tricked into believing that this is the day on which we need to drink margaritas, shake maracas and go to Pepe’s. I would hope a school administrator might know that but I watch the news too often to put trust in pretty much anything. Silly me, where do I get off hoping somebody responsible for the education of children might crack open a history book in between bong hits? Did you know St. Patrick’s day is bullshit too? I’m sorry, but most of what we celebrate are made up Hallmark holidays to get you drunk and dump the change out of your pockets, it’s the American dream. If you need an excuse to drink and have fun, celebrate being American – if there’s one thing we do well in this country it’s clouding our judgement and doing something regrettable.

Shit, what’s that phrase you use after saying something that can be misconstrued as racist?… Oh yeah! “It’s OK, one of my best friends is Mexican.” (ask him! @hotfortacos)

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