Posts Tagged ‘news’


It was a sad day in North Korea as Kim Jong-Il’s pride was beaten to a bloody pulp, so he paid it forward. Monday, North Korea’s World Cup team lost to Portugal 7-0 in a humiliating send off on Soccer’s biggest stage. “Oh, they’re all dead, believe me. It’s not important how they were killed, just know that it was very painful” Jong-Il declared to a terrified press room on Friday. “It makes me look weak, and I can’t have everybody knowing how small my penis is. I’d kill Cristiano Ronaldo too if he wasn’t so damn cute.”

Kim Jong-Il is putting himself in charge of the next World Cup team and says armed guards will surround the field at tryouts. Missed passes, bad shots or goals allowed will result in immediate death “because I fucking can, that’s why”, he said. In a more revealing report, he was overheard saying, “How the hell are we supposed to rule the world when we lose 7-0 in a sport where the average goals scored is 2? This is worse than the days my daughters were born.” He wasn’t asked many more questions, but still occupied about an hour threatening to nuke the media, South Africa, Portugal, anybody associated with FIFA and anybody who ever mentions this game again. He was asked why the team was so ill-prepared and exclaimed, “Your mom was ill-prepared!” then kicked the podium and walked away. It was very awkward, juvenile and disturbing. Additionally, the funeral services will be held “In hell” according to a representative of the Jong-Il administration.

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More editorial idiocy

Posted: March 27, 2010 in Pictures
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One by one their cries could be heard howling from every living room in America. From every corner bar and sports book in the country they cursed the names of officials, coaches and players blaming anybody within eyesight. Millions wept with their head in their hands trying to figure out how they would make the rent now that their NCAA bracket had gone to complete shit before we’ve even reached the sweet 16. Before you pound the pills, inhale the exhaust or string up the noose remember one thing: Your bracket sucks just as much as Barack Obama’s. That’s right – you may be smarter than the President. Barack Obama’s bracket is about as awful as your average dumb-ass mouth breather, and that makes me feel pretty warm and fuzzy. After all the nonsense we had to watch as Mr. Basketball was interviewed and grilled on every selection, he left us just as uninspired as his presidential tenure has so far. What I hope this means is that he wasn’t able to put much thought into March Madness because he was a little busy worrying about American Madness. I know what you’re thinking – “Whatever Nick, this year’s tournament is crazy” – and you’re right, but I know jack shit about NCAA Basketball and my main teams are still alive so excuse me while I take a second to gloat…. IN YOUR FACE BARACK! (first name basis due to my bracketal dominance). Does Obama (and most of the general public) know more about Basketball? Definitely. Does it matter? Obviously not.

I understand if you’re a little bummed out. It’s tough trying to explain why you lost your son’s college fund because Kansas got knocked out too early, or finding ways to tell creditors that if Villanova hadn’t lost you would have their money. Keep your head up though, it’s rare to be on a level playing field with the President so take some pride in that, besides – I’m sure you can scrounge up the mortgage payment using all of that change Obama has been asking everybody for. He has practically asked every living American person for change, and that adds up fast. Hell, I found over $2 in my couch once. Multiply that by 304 million Americans and you might even be able to afford health insurance, but I forgot – he’s fixing that – my bad. The President has to be a little miffed about his poor showing this year, and I would be too. Spending all that time and money filling and framing a losing bracket just to have it serve as nothing more than an eternal reminder of mediocrity is pretty disheartening…

Pay it forward

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I know I’ve been on the Tiger soapbox before, but I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the latest events and the morons who attack him with their causeless idiocy.

Even if you tried your hardest to stay away from media outlets, like Ben Roethlisberger on a trip to the bathroom, it is nearly impossible to not stumble and fall on top of a newspaper somewhere that reads, “Tiger Woods to return at Masters”. (Quick note in case you don’t know: the Masters is essentially the Superbowl of golf) Making a comeback on your biggest professional stage possible takes incredible balls, and I think this situation is particularly awesome. I am somebody who doesn’t watch golf, ever, but what I always enjoy is any opportunity to see any group of pudwackers get served a nice hot dish of “shut your damn mouth”. Tiger Woods owes you absolutely nothing, and here’s why.

If you are one of those people who are angry at Tiger for cheating on his wife – why? Why do you care about something somebody did that is none of your business and affects you in no way? I’ll tell you why – you are nosy, invasive, bored and crave attention. Stop worrying about what Tiger does off the course and do what any other attention seeking nuisance would do – swallow a bottle of pills (see: Corey Haim).

If you are one of those people who are angry because Tiger Woods was supposed to be a great role model for your kids – please go back to doing what they used to do in the old days….be a parent. Use this as an opportunity for a teaching moment. Show them what NOT to do, show them that not everybody is invincible (even though in this case, he is). If you rely on a sports figure to be a role model to your child you will be severely disappointed (see: Michael Phelps, Michael Vick, Barry Bonds, Mike Tyson, Terrell Owens Brandon Marshall, O.J Simpson, Michael Jordan)

Tiger Woods became a household name for playing golf, for being the greatest athlete of his sport of all time anywhere on the globe. He didn’t become famous for being a moral, stand up guy. Was what he did repulsive? Yes. Was what he did immoral? Yes. Was what he did in any way related to the reason why he is famous? No – so shut your snooping, disruptive mouth. If you put any more emphasis on Tiger Woods other than the fact that he was an admirable athlete then you, sir or madam, are an asshat.

I couldn’t give a shit about the Masters tournament but I hope Tiger Woods terrorizes his competition just to watch the looks on all of the smug, self-righteous faces when they’re left with nothing else to say. I love to hear the abhorrent ramblings of every overweight, self-loathing gossip writer when they say ‘they would never have done what Tiger did’. How the hell would you know? Until you are a filthy rich athlete, the greatest of all time in your sport and in the best shape of your life having women throw themselves at you on a daily basis – please shut up. He is a young, disgustingly rich, professional athlete who’s only mistake was getting married when he wasn’t ready. If this is somehow related to golf – prove it. Its starting to sound like I should film my own “Leave Tiger alone” video

He came, he conquered, he came again, will conquer again and there is not a damn thing any of the jealous housewives of a suburb near you can do about it. The only thing that will make a win at The Masters any better is an emphatic fist pump with a middle finger firmly attached to the end of it.

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The darkness

Posted: March 14, 2010 in Pictures
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This all black penguin was recently photographed on the island of South Georgia near Antarctica. They say this one of a kind baller has a pigmentation oddity called melanism. It is found in other birds but very rare to see no white feathers on this one at all.
He is like the Wesley Snipes of penguins. He has been photographed spending a good deal of time in igloos with many of the white chested female penguins which has made things a bit tough for the rest of the males. It has been reported that although this South Georgian player has the entire coast on lock down, he has to hire out help to assist in hunting as he can not swim.

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A war tale

Posted: March 13, 2010 in Whatever
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They assemble at 05:00 hours, discussing the attack strategy and preparing for the morning’s battle. It is today that they have prepared for, today for which they have meticulously mapped every obstacle and it is today that they have strategized every possibility in expectation of a victorious outcome. It is Free Sample Friday at Pick ‘n’ Save and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This elderly battalion stood armed and ready, clothed in their smocks loaded with plastic gloves. Their utility belts were full of tooth picks, dixie cups and plastic sporks ready to be disbursed at a moment’s notice. All were ready for the grueling 3 hour shift, and prepared for the long haul by wearing their trademark orthopedic non-slip sneakers. At the front door stood Beauford, unassuming yet vehement in his goal to make sure I tasted the pineapple chunks he had sprawled out before him. I hurled a barrel of oranges at his feet and darted into the cereal aisle. I avoided disaster briefly but there stood Mabel, armed and ready with a wide array of oatmeal bars. I avoided eye contact but it just wasn’t enough to halt the barrage. She followed me down the aisle, launching a verbal assault of discounted sale prices and comparisons to lesser brands. Mabel fought her hardest but her swollen feet just weren’t enough to keep up so I was able to escape unscathed. As I screeched through the beverage section to cross off the final task on my grocery list I was confronted with my toughest foe yet. Ruth was prepared, ready and willing to do whatever it took to ensure I sampled the V8 drink she had set before her. I tried to escape left, then right but it was obvious she had been studying me for quite some time. Eye contact avoidance, turning my back, even the patented ‘wave off’ and “no thanks” were unsuccessful. I backed away slowly but quickly realized they had both exits flanked – one by a table of pizza rolls, the other by sausage and cheese trays. Panic began to set in and I feared for the worst. Ruth moved in closer, her prosthetic knee creaking. In the reflection of her oversized inch-thick eyeglasses I noticed Beauford closing in on me. That bastard managed to fend off my orange attack and was aggravated – trucking down the aisle at a pace so fast the tennis balls were propelled from his walker. I thought this was it, I  prepared to give in to the sample and as I put the cup to my lips I heard a sound so sweet it must have come from the heavens – it was my salvation. Dashing through the dairy section perched atop her shopping cart was my wife. Lauren’s ferocity was unmatched by our assailants as she blasted through Ruth’s table of terrible and crushed Beauford’s tray of annoyance. With a sense of urgency so great I leapt into the cart as we sped to the checkout line. We had made it… for now. Walking away from the grocers battlefield I saw Mabel gazing, grinning into the distance. Some say it’s Alzheimer’s, but I am sure she was mentally preparing for the next battle. Today we were victorious, purchasing only what we needed and not succumbing to the tactics of our elders. William Wallace would be proud.

“Fight and you may die. Run and you’ll live – at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may annoy us with unsolicited granola, but they’ll never take our freedom!!!”

Hell hath no fury like a rejected free sample employee

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Have you ever seen the commercials for depression drugs like Cymbalta? Upon completion of one of these cinematic works of art I usually find that my brain is lost in a dense fog of confusion and intrigue. I can’t be certain just how long these ads run, but it always seems like I’m watching them spew out nonsensical words I’ll never understand for roughly 3 and a half hours. The commercials are all the same. They start by showing a series of pathetic, dilapidated individuals who are just begging to inhale some pills and display artificial bliss. I wonder what the auditions were like – “You, on the left, you look like absolute dog shit – you’re hired”. So after they show the dejected group, the music picks up a bit and we are tossed into happy land, brought to you by big pharma and every slimy drug rep in the country. Those same people who sat crying in their bed, ignoring their kids or slouched over sitting on the floor are now suddenly sitting happily with their cat, out playing sports or finally getting that house work done. After the 1 minute commercial we generally get 3 hours worth of side effects read to us while we awkwardly watch the actor go about his daily business. I’d like to see a more realistic approach to this part of the commercial in particular.

The amount of side effects with a drug like this is staggering, which is why instead of having them read to us quickly while distracting us by portraying somebody doing something totally normal, I’d like them to be acted out. Fact of the matter is, there is a plethora of shit than can and does go wrong upon ingestion of this calamitous dope – some of which are down right hilarious.

Nausea, Drowsiness, Headaches, Dry mouth, Dizziness, Insomnia, Constipation, Fatigue, Diarrhea, Loss of appetite, Sore throat, Weakness, Sweating, Vomiting, A decreased libido, Upper respiratory tract infection, Coughing, tremors, Frequent urination, Muscle pain, Erectile dysfunction, Blurred vision, Anxiety or agitation, Weight loss or weight gain, Hot flashes, Yawning, Abdominal pain, Vertigo, Gas, Chills, Indigestion or heartburn, Seasonal allergies, Muscle spasms, Taste changes, Abnormal dreams, Cough, Suicidal thoughts or behavior, Anxiety, agitation, or panic attacks, Hostility or aggressiveness, Engaging in unusual or dangerous activities, Restlessness or inability to sit still, Extreme elation or feelings of happiness that may switch back and forth with a depressed or sad mood, Other unusual changes in behavior, Confusion or other mental changes, A rapid heart rate, Nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea Hallucinations, Blood pressure changes, An irregular heart rhythm, Overactive reflexes, Fever, sweating, or shivering, Shakiness, Agitation, Seizures, Coma, Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), Chest palpitations, Difficulty passing urine, Signs of an allergic reaction, including an unexplained rash, hives, itching, unexplained swelling,  wheezing, or difficulty breathing or swallowing.

To name a few… Now that was just boring, who wants to listen to or read that crap? I WANT A PERFORMANCE! I’d like an example of exactly what I’m in for. I want to watch a commercial where a guy swallows a pill and drifts into nirvana as he lifts a cheek to let one rip off a wooden chair. Give me a cinematic experience where a woman speeds through her hallway knocking down her children and kicking in her bathroom door to voop (vomit + poop) uncontrollably, all the while brimming with happiness. I need a visual dissonance of a man who’s outside says “life is good”, yet on the inside is trembling with panic screaming “KILL!!”. Maybe the commercial can conclude by showing a man laughing uncontrollably as he slips into a coma. I’d like to point out that one of the possible side effects of this antidepressant is suicidal thoughts or behavior and extreme mood swings… WTF?! Another notable side effect is loss of libido or erectile dysfunction, but it’s OK – they got something for that too! But it seems the biggest side effect to that drug is the sudden urge to drag your bathtub outside into a heavily wooded area and sit there for hours on end.

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