Posts Tagged ‘nerd’

The new iPhone 4 goes on sale today, which means groves of people are lined up at electronics stores across the country foaming at the mouth, dry humping each other in frantic anticipation. Have you seen Apple’s tag line? “iPhone 4. This Changes Everything. Again.” The only thing that would make that more insulting to current iPhone users would be to add “…Bitch” at the end of it. It’s like saying, “We’re awesome and you know it, so you’re going to follow us like lemmings. Again.” I’m sure it’s awesome, and I’m sure any ass hat standing in line would be willing to tell me all of the little changes they made to justify spending another $200 and pitching a tent (literally and figuratively) outside of Best Buy, but come on.

They’re touting the video calling feature – no thanks. One of my favorite things to do is make obscene gestures while I talk or, most of the time, not pay any attention at all. If somebody wants to watch me play Madden while nodding my head and replying “uh-huh” to everything, come over, I’ll do the same thing in person.

“Multitasking – give everything your undivided attention.” Except the road, work, school, your significant other or the rest of the world.

“Chemically strengthened engineered glass and a stainless steel band.” I don’t join jousting competitions with my phone or use it for batting practice so I’m good, thanks.

“Gyro + Accelerometer.” I have no idea what this means, but Gyros are delicious. Point: iPhone.

It’s a damn phone, so if you can forget for a moment about how tightly Steve Jobs has you by the balls you’ll realize that standing in line for 6 hours for it is fucking ridiculous. Why do you need to wait in line for it? You are the first to get a new phone, congratulations dipshit. Enjoy all the bugs and glitches, the rest of us will buy one when they fix them and the price goes down. If I need to go to Best Buy for anything today I’m bringing a bat so I can mow down the crowd and take your money like hookers in Grand Theft Auto (cause I know you’re packin’). After you get your iPhone, just be sure to clean the excited mess you made in your pants with the iPad you were raped on a month ago.

stole the picture from @JoelKodner’s blog (awesome, btw)

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Tuesday night my wife and I went to the Marquette/Louisville basketball game to watch our Alma mater lay the wood to the Cardinals 69-48.  The game was well in hand for our Golden Eagles most of the time so I had the opportunity to observe my surroundings and really take in the public spectacle that is a sporting event. We always find ourselves talking, laughing or complaining about “that guy” on the way home. During this particular match up it seemed that every fool in Milwaukee made his way to the Bradley Center with the sole intention of fulfilling a precise stereotype. They all came out to flaunt their insanity so I took as many mental notes as possible. The “drunk guy” and “stats guy” have been a little over done, so I wanted to take this time to let you in on my own personal short-list.

“The clap out of sync guy(s)”: I watched an entire student section clap in unison while a group of 4 kids were apparently trying to let us know just how white they were. It looked as though they couldn’t even hear the music blaring through the arena speakers and were just happy to be present to watch the big black guys they normally only see on T.V. One by one they slowly fell into line, but by that time they were too late – the song was over and one of them was too busy fumbling through his program. You can usually point these guys out without trying too hard, they generally look like children at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch – dazzled, yet unsure and frightened.

“The overzealous screamer”: We were lucky enough to have one of these jack asses sitting right behind us, so I got a first hand look into the every thought of someone completely whacked out of her mind. She screamed at every call or non-call, good or bad play and most of the time belted out shit that just didn’t make any sense. Hurling comments like “T him up!” “move it around the perimeter!” and “Good boy!” when they didn’t apply and for apparently no reason at all. When I finally mustered up the courage to turn around and catch a glimpse of the boisterous bitch she was every bit as terrifying as I imagined.

“I’M OVER HERE!!!”: You know this asshole. He’s the guy standing up with a phone to his ear and one arm waving frantically in the air. It’s most likely that he is waving to the “out of sync clapping guys”, as I’m sure they go way back. He is another one of those ‘just happy to be here’ guys.

“Stand ‘n’ clap”: This person is almost always well over 300 pounds, and why not? It only makes sense that the one guy who can blot out the sun just loves to show his team spirit by eclipsing the stadium lights to clap for his team….through the entire god damn game. In our case he was decked in all yellow, which is funny all by itself.

“Jumbo tron sluts”: Some love ’em, some hate ’em but it’s tough to get through a game without seeing a pack of them. The usual M.O. for this group begins by them being caught on camera looking more apathetic than Paris Hilton trying to read a book. As soon as they detach their cheek from their boyfriend’s arm to find out theyve been spotted, LOOK OUT! it’s showtime! It’s almost automatic for them to gather in a Charlie’s Angles kind of pose or otherwise fighting over the 5 seconds of camera time. Another will undoubtedly be prepping her face for the patented lip pucker move. Another is definitely going to be seen in sunglasses even though we’re inside (because the sun never sets on cool, duh) and there is probably one girl encompassing the entire spectrum of douche bag in one fell swoop – and what neglected hussy would be complete without the famous ‘sideways peace sign’ to top it all off?

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