Posts Tagged ‘money’

I have had this conversation with so many people it’s stupid, and sometimes I’m shocked at the answer I get. It’s simple, if you won the lottery, or otherwise came into an enormous sum of money – would you keep your job? This hypothetical amount of money would have to be enough to live on, of course, or else this conversation is pointless. I have run into this answer more than once and it drives me insane. “I would keep working, at least part-time. I would be so bored otherwise.” Are you fucking kidding me? If I had the winning powerball numbers I would quit my job before the final number was even finished being read on TV. I would take a great deal of satisfaction in going into the office the next day as if nothing happened to just do whatever the hell I wanted, all day. I’d play Tetris, make personal calls, get hammered and fall in and out of sleep. When, inevitably, somebody finally asks me to get to work I might fart into my cupped hand and waft it their way, presenting it as a gift then walk out without a word. I’m not terribly confident I wouldn’t send an email to the whole office of my bare ass with the winning ticket stuck to it. There is also a slight chance I would bust into the office through the window on a zip line later that week after a 3 day bender in Vegas to gather my things, set them on fire then piss on them to put it out… because I’m fucking rich, that’s why. I love the people I work with, and this wouldn’t be done out of malice. I would quit almost ANY job upon becoming filthy rich. I just don’t know if I would be able to contain myself. Listen, I don’t care what anybody says – people are not meant to sit at a desk while being watched and judged for 8 hours a day. The pure elation that would come with the thought of knowing I’ll never have to do that again would make me drunk with creative ways to celebrate – appropriate or not.

People have told me, “You would get bored being at home all day.” 1) If you honestly think that, you obviously don’t know me too well and 2)Who says I’ll be at home? If I feel like having crab legs for lunch, I’ll take a trip to Maine. Feel the urge to riot, loot or kill? We could head down to New Orleans during hurricane season. You would be surprised how not bored I’d be playing Xbox on my 50 foot TV all day. I really do believe that if you are one of those people who says they would still work if they won the lottery – you’re either full of shit or don’t know how to have fun. Take a good deal of that money and bank it, invest it, find ways to make it grow then enjoy sleeping in every day and doing whatever the hell you please. We get one life (unless you’re delusional, then you think we might get another up in the sky) so why the hell would I spend it commuting, reporting, frustrated or deadlined? If you ever win the lottery and feel the need to keep working, give me your winning ticket and I’ll have fun for you – because you’ve obviously given up on life. So what do you think – would you work, or quit?

(Also – it’s a celebration bitches, this is my 150th post!)

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Bristol Palin is striving to be just as annoying as her mother, and succeeding. The hypocritical tramp signed with a speaker’s circuit to talk about, who woulda thunk it, teen pregnancy and the importance of abstinence. Yeah, the same person who got pregnant at 18 years old. In case you’re not pissed off already, she is reported to collect anywhere from $15,000 – $30,000 per speech! I’m currently fashioning a noose. I’m almost done, now I just need to find a sturdy spot.

What exactly will people line up around the block to hear her talk about? Her incredible 19 years of experience on this earth? How difficult it is to raise a child with support from your family and more disposable income than 75% of the Country? I would like to see how she ends her speech. “Listen girls, don’t do what I did because you’re all very average, dumb and, most of all, insignificant. My mom made a fool of herself in front of  the whole country so that allows me to get rich from this.” Most people face some rough times after making this kind of mistake. Where is the speaking circuit for Mary from Milwaukee, or Christine from Chicago? I’d be more likely to take advice on the perils of teen pregnancy from somebody who had to drop out of school, lost familial support and worked at McDonald’s – all while raising a child on her own and making it out alive than to listen to some bullshit from an over-privileged, 19-year-old, spoon fed hosebag who will make more money from one speech than an average single teen mother would in a year. Please Bristol, spare us the story of your rough life and keep your advice to yourself – it’s gotten you so far already. Most people have to pay for their poor decisions, but not if you’re the spawn of political mediocre-ness, not in America. Here you can get rich for fucking up just so long as you have an audience dumb enough to listen.

Don’t forget about her Candie’s ad, where they are teaming up to encourage abstinence in an effort to prevent teen pregnancy.

Because nothing says "abstinence" like Britney Spears and Candie's ads

Candie’s preaching abstinence is like Domino’s preaching healthy eating.

In a release from the foundation, Palin said that she feels she can serve as an example to other young women about the consequences of teen pregnancy. Consequences? Are you serious? I’ll take $30,000-per-speech consequences. Bristol Palin doesn’t know the first thing about actual consequences. I’m not sure if I’m more amazed that she’ll be making this kind of money for doing what millions of other, less fortunate, women have been doing for years; or that people still give a shit about what the Palins are doing. As I’m writing this, I found out she will also be acting in ABC’s “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” – a show about the consequences of teen pregnancy. If we want a portrayal of “the American teenager”, why the hell would we follow the story of a rich, falsely entitled slut? Bristol, do us all a favor and stay on your back, we all liked you better that way when we had no idea who the hell you were.

I just put down an entire pizza, anybody want to pay me to speak on the pitfalls of gluttony? I’m a bargain – only $10,000 per speech.

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There’s always something on the news, or somebody writing something somewhere regarding the root of society’s problems. Money is a likely culprit, drugs get a bad rap and poor schooling is always thrown under the bus. Every moron with a laptop or microphone has an opinion but most of them dodge what I feel is the most obvious issue. Main stream media has yet, as far as I’ve noticed, to speak loudly about the fact that if stupid people just stopped having kids – most of the world’s problems would be alleviated.

Who’s out there running up credit card debts, filling our jails, remaining uneducated, getting pregnant in their teens and sticking oxycontin in their fucking noses? Idiots. And where do idiots come from? Older idiots. Every redneck or piece of garbage with working equipment is out there banging anything that moves without taking any precaution ending up with 300 god damn kids they can’t handle and don’t want. Ever hear stories about how mom or dad had to hold down 4 jobs in order to make ends meet? I’m sure it’s tragic but if mom or dad spent more time in class than on their back they wouldn’t have 7 kids they can’t support. From there it’s a ripple effect: can’t support kids? get more jobs; more jobs means you’re never home; never home means your kids are doing whatever they please; crazy kids = frustration; frustration = burnout; burnout = apathy. Apathetic, strung out, uneducated, stressed parents with too many out of control kids they never planned for is a disaster, and unfortunately extremely prevalent in today’s society. Those kids go on to make the same awful decisions their half-wit parents did leaving them uneducated and overwhelmed with 28 kids of their own to raise poorly and not give a shit about. Those idiots spawn more idiots, and so on, and so on… Who ends up taking the brunt of this nonsense? You and I. When Cletus and Gretchen kick the baby factory into high gear, spend their free time ripping bong hits, ignoring their kids and pissing away any money they have – we are the ones who have to pay for that shit. While you and I go to work, the ass hat twins are shitting out more kids, spelling their names incorrectly and passing out with the tourniquet still tied around their arms while they receive a stipend from us enabling them to stay that way. Are there some that might make it? Sure – but I’ve said it before: I. Do. Not. Have. Faith. In. Humanity.

It’s easily preventable though, that’s the worst part. If Dr. Dumbass wore a fucking condom or if Little Miss Shit-for-brains took her pill this would be a non-issue. Then they could waste their lives all by themselves and not drag any future convicts into the picture. If they used their fucking brains they would be able to focus on 2 kids instead of 30, thereby giving their children a fighting chance at life. Every kid comes with their share of problems, and chances are if you only have a few you’ll be able to afford it when something happens. Plenty of competent people have huge families who end up just fine, mainly because their parent’s IQs are at least in double digits.

It’s not uncommon to hear one of these assholes claim that their ignorance of birth control is due to their religious restriction – which makes me want to strangle them to within an inch of their life, then piss in their hair to wake them up. Please don’t try to tell me that your god would rather have 13 kids destined for failure than to have you take a pill to prevent it, because that is absolutely retarded. Anybody that short-sighted and controlling would be tossed from whatever office they held (unless they are figments of insecure imaginations, of course, then they serve terms of infinity).

If you see a cockroach in your house, you will probably call an exterminator. When that exterminator comes over do you think he will try to find and stomp out every single one? No – because that is extremely consumptive of time and resources not to mention incredibly ineffective. He will find the source – the nest, and destroy it.

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Recently I posted an entry entitled, “Headlines that make you want to punch somebody”. Contained herein were a few stories I couldn’t quite wrap my head around. Not surprisingly I have come across plenty more headlines that make you feel the urge to slam your face into a wall in disbelief. Seeing as how there is an abundance of stupid people begging to be noticed, I started a category for these special feats of idiocy.

“Lottery Winner Eats $15,000 Winning Lottery Ticket”: The crew on a flight from Krakow, Poland, to the U.K.’s East Midlands airport were given what sounds like in-flight scratch off lottery tickets of which one man won $15,000 on. For whatever reason this blockhead felt as though he should be able to claim his prize right there on the plane. After what I can only assume was a situation where somebody told this dumb ass that most flights don’t carry $15,000 on hand and putting up a fight much to the chagrin of the crew, he decided he had only one option. Mr. Simpleton made the executive decision to eat his winning lottery ticket, which invalidated his claim. Who the hell, by any deductive reasoning in their right mind comes up with that solution? This is the kind of person that, when asked a question with 4 possible answer choices,  shits his pants and makes up his own. I’m just grateful this didn’t happen on American soil because I’m certain it would put us at threat level orange or whichever the hell color means, “be afraid”.

“Boozy chimp sent to rehab” (seriously): This one really shouldn’t surprise me as it seems there is always somebody chomping at the bit to do something completely mindless to and/or with wild animals as I’ve talked about before. Zhora, a chimpanzee hailing from mother Russia, had a tough time growing up on the streets. He became aggressive at his job with the circus, was laid off and shipped to the city of Rostov where he became tangled up with the wrong crowd. It is here that Zhora fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and fell into his 2 addictions – beer and cigarettes. It was even noted that Zholan could be found begging passers-by for a drag. All kidding aside (kind of), the person responsible for this atrocity should be obligated to allow the chimp to take a good hard swipe at his face for good measure. Who is sitting around having beer and smoking cigarettes with a chimp? Lucky for Zholan, they shipped his ass to Kazan (a.k.a. middle of nowhere) to undergo rehab; Lucky for us, imbeciles like this and that jerk off from the first paragraph will continue to do things that provide us endless hours of entertainment.

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