Posts Tagged ‘mlb’

I’m not sure who told Lady Gaga she was attractive, or how we’ve all been tricked to think it’s even a woman but it keeps flaunting around and I’m glad somebody finally called it out. Lady Gaga’s hideous ass was tossed from her seats on the charge of disgusting in public. The report says she was removed for being incredibly drunk, flipping people off, swearing and grabbing her boobs but how is that different from any other Yankee fan? I’m confident that they realized how ugly she was and got rid of her before everybody started throwing up. She then, somehow, made her way to the clubhouse where the shit-show continued. General Manager Brian Cashman found out that she talked her way past security to get there (which means the guards are either retarded or gay) and was furious, banning her from future visits. I’m sure he just feels that the Yankess can’t afford to have players running around covered in STD’s, so it’s best to keep that horrendous slut as far away as possible.

Let me put this into perspective for you – if this was Megan Fox swearing and grabbing herself – she’d be put on the jumbotron. Instead, it’s Lady Gaga, so to protect the minds of all the children and to ensure the men are able to get an erection again – they got her grotesque ass out of there. We need to stop pandering to these assholes. It’s bad enough that there are groups of people out there who actually listen to this shit and buy the CDs, but to let her think she’s attractive too…knock it off or we’ll continue to be subjected to horrible images like this:

Think about the children!!

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I’ve been noted as saying I am a recent bandwagon Hockey fan. You’re damn right I am, that sport is incredibly exciting, I’m pissed I never watched it before AND my hometown Chicago Blackhawks just won the Stanley Cup – so lick my balls! Unfortunately everything has an antagonist so I was forced to think of those sports that are, well, less than inspiring to have to sit through.

5. Soccer

This one is rough because my wife coaches and has played soccer her whole life so I’m sure I’ll be reproached, but she knows where I stand. It is simply painful to watch on TV, there’s no way around it. People will say “Well you don’t understand soccer, so you won’t like it”. Let me stop you there and respectfully ask you to shut it. I don’t have a damn clue what’s going on in a hockey game, but I can’t peel myself away from the television. Plus I’ve been watching Soccer for a while now because of my wife and I still won’t be caught watching games on TV unless the stakes or high, or it’s in HD. Most games end with very little scoring, gameplay stops constantly, players flop all over the place trying to draw fouls and games ending in a tie is completely normal. The only thing more ridiculous than playing for 90 minutes with nothing to show for it is going home afterwards. The most exciting part of a soccer game is the shootout, but busting your ass all game just to tie is cool too, if you’re a communist. I’m also pretty sure the games are filmed from the Hubble Telescope, they look like ants running around my front lawn. I will watch some of the World Cup, though, because it’s kind of famusing to see teams like Ghana get their asses absolutely pounded. What made this the best of the worst is the fact that when a goal is finally scored, it’s pretty exciting (but that could just be the pent-up anticipation talking). It’s just a damn shame that you have to wait a few weeks to actually see one. There’s a reason why it never became popular here.

4. Baseball

I’m sure you’re surprised to see baseball get such a high mark from me, considering my past, but that should only tell you how truly awful the next 3 on the list are. A 3 hour game with 48 seconds of actual movement makes for a good nap. The standing around, incessant foul balls, drawn out deliberation on every pitch, pick off attempts, lack of contact and non-existent crowd presence is too little to handle and incredibly boring. A “good” batter hits around .300, which means he has a 30% doing his job. A 30% chance of contact from the league’s best batters means there is a 100% chance I’d rather watch monkeys throw shit at the zoo. I’m also pretty sure there’s roughly 876 games in a season, or something ridiculous and unnecessary like that. If you’ve ever been unlucky enough to witness a perfect game, you know first hand that it’s awfully similar to closing a waffle iron on your balls. I watch my neighbor’s kid throw a perfect game every weekend, only they call it “playing catch”. Make steroids mandatory, or blindfold the outfielders to ensure collisions and maybe I’ll tune in. Until then I’ll just watch my neighbor play catch with his son, at least there I’m guaranteed some entertainment when he misses and the baseball drills him directly in the forehead. The only thing keeping this one away from the #1 spot are home runs and the possibility of a collision, which brings me to the next mind eraser on the list.

3. Auto Racing

What’s red, pale and racist all over? Nascar fans! Have you ever seen the crowd at one of these hoedowns? It’s like Wal-Mart threw up all over the seats. The only part of these races worth a damn are the first quarter-mile (which is where drag racing got it right), after that we’re left to watch these guys drive in circles while crossing our fingers hoping for a 10 car wreck. Have you ever heard somebody say, “We’re just going in circles here” ? That means you are engaging in a situation that is senseless, mundane, has no end in sight and needs to be stopped. These guys are literally driving in circles, in some races for 500 laps! Who’s got the strychnine? I can’t even appreciate the cars because they’re all the same, literally. Nascar designed the Car of Tomorrow (COT) then forced it on all racing teams. The biggest race of the year is first, those hillbillies must have had their dictionary upside down when they read about culmination. The drivers are walking advertisements and their cars can only be told apart by their ads. If I want random advertisements to start flying by my screen I’ll frequent copious amount of porn sites and disable my anti-virus. Nascar actually pays teams for not racing. A strategy called a start and park is used, meaning a team who has qualified to race will run one lap then drop out. This allows teams to avoid carrying a pit crew and paying for the pricey sets of tires that wear out during a race. How many highlights on ESPN have you seen that don’t include a crash? Exactly. If the most exciting part of your sport is when they screw up, you might be a redneck. Who’s winning anyway, I can’t tell? Who cares, car #52 is about to spin out and the car behind him looks like he doesn’t give a shit.

2. Long distance cycling/running

First off, any sport that starts with “long distance” should be as far away from a television broadcast as possible. Unless we’re measuring the length or distance of which somebody can throw a midget, I don’t care to watch it. There is nothing appealing about watching Lance Armstrong ride his bike through France in yellow tights while grunting, sweating and throwing dixie cups of water at his own face. I can’t figure out if I’m more shocked that this is put on TV, or that there is commentary on it. There are actually people who get paid to talk about the men riding their bikes as they ride their bikes. If anybody wants to pay me to commentate on a drying wall of paint, I’m available. In cycling, we come across the same criteria as auto racing – if the best part is when they all bite it, chances are it’s not too exciting. I don’t even know how long these wretched things are, all I know is any time I see a front and rear wheel get dangerously close I wait impatiently for the explosion of spandex, bikes and helmets. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a cycling highlight (besides a crash) on ANY sports network. I can imagine how that goes in the sports writer’s pre-show meeting though: “The Tour de France was last week, we can show some highlights from that.” “Was there a wreck?” “No.”You’re fired.”

1. Golf

Atop our list of underwhelming, coma-inducing sports rests the Whore of Bore, the Sultan of Siesta, the Lord of Lethargy, the one and only – Golf. Golf is easily the most boring way to spend any amount of time in front of your TV. Soccer offers some contact (although minimal, and usually over dramatic) as well as the excitement of a goal scored. In baseball there are big hits, fast pitches and the chance hilarious errors. Auto racing and cycling always run the risk of containing some tremendous crash. Golf offers no telegenic value whatsoever. The game is terribly slow, the announcers are usually whispering and the crowd isn’t allowed to make any noise. Even the ball rolls into the hole slow and apathetic. If that doesn’t have “wake me up when I’m dead” written all over it, I’m not sure what does. They smash the shit out of the ball, go find it, then smash the shit out of the ball again. You can’t even see the damn thing on TV, so that means we’re just watching this dumbass swing, then watching him walk after it. There is little to no chance of any error, wreck, crash, contact or explosion to make any of it engaging. The most exciting thing to happen to golf in years was Tiger Woods drilling everything that moved, then nailing 3 people in the crowd. If there is ever any chance or sighting of rain, lightning or thunder an air horn sounds and everything stops. I heard it once and thought, “Yeah! keep that shit up!”. It was easily the most exhilarating thing that happened all day. “The PGA Tour is on this weekend, I’m having people over to watch.” “Ya know what,  I can’t make it. There’s a suicide convention that same day, sorry.”

So there it is, my list of nap time favorites. Now before all you get pissed at me, I want you to look up the word “telegenic” (I made it easy for you). This isn’t a list of sports I hate (well, except for Nascar. I mean seriously, that is just the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen). There are probably some of you who can’t wait to get in the comments section and say some shit like, “hitting a small ball with a bat is the hardest thing to do in any sport”. I’m sure it is, it’s just mind-numbing to watch.

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Just when I thought it was over… The bore of baseball had me on the ropes, and I was one pitcher/catcher stare down away from switching to NFL Network for good. The pitching changes, foul balls, standing around and groundouts were becoming too much to handle when this Phillies fan single-handedly sparked my interest in baseball all over again.

(I gave you this video because all the official sources had advertisements in them… f that)

Now THAT’S what I call excitement! If they can make this happen during every game, baseball will definitely gain one more fan.

I'm gonna git you sucka!

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We’re a little over a month into the season, and not much has changed. These games still don’t matter as there are roughly 682 left to play, but I could be mistaken. In the second installment of this series I’d like to tackle (yes, pun intended, because football fucking rules) a few things I’ve noticed that lead me to believe even the players know these middle 437 games are worth shit.

First things first, what goes on in the outfield? By my expert eye witness accounts, I noticed a lot of standing around. Like in my first post, while I was watching the batter foul off 12 in a row my attention was diverted to the outfielders. There wasn’t much happening out there, but one of them caught my eye because he was waving his hat around like an idiot. While the batter was jostling his cup, the camera moved in a bit closer to right field. I giggled to myself when, come to find out, he was swatting a fly. I thought about all the money he was making as he adjusted his shades and scratched his ass. I can’t be completely certain, but I’m willing to bet he was falling in and out of sleep behind those sunglasses too. The game was terribly exciting as the crowd was so loud I could hear the vendor yelling, “Big juicy wiener.” That guy deserves a web gem because he was easily the most entertaining part of the game.

Pitching changes: Holy christ, these are fucking brutal. The manager walks his tired, slow ass from the dugout while the relief pitcher makes his way all the way from left field (more on that later). After we wait a few minutes for both parties to reach the mound, they all stand there for a while and talk into their gloves like it’s some big god damn secret. Pssst, I know what they’re saying: Pitcher #1 was throwing the ball but sucked so we need you, pitcher #2, to get in there and throw the ball. Got it? That’s all that needs to be said. Instead they all fucking stand there and talk about god knows what while the announcers struggle to fill the time. They’ll eventually panic and end up reciting some ridiculous statistic telling us that some guy’s batting average in the 6th inning of games during the hours of 1-3pm, between the months of April and May, while trailing by 3, while wearing a throwback uniform, while holding his sunflower seeds on the right side of his mouth, after he’s been laid, when the sun is shining over right field, with 2 men on base and one shoe untied is .286. We need somebody to come in unannounced and yank them off the mound with a shepherd’s staff like in cartoons, that would be much quicker and a hell of a lot more entertaining.

A quick point on my previous note about pitchers walking out to the mound. I’m sure this happens around the league, but my first and only experience was while watching the Brewers (so before all my local brethren get all hot and bothered – cool it, I am equally hateful to all baseball teams). I was watching a game when suddenly AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” came on. Trevor Hoffman, the closer, emerged from the bullpen and walked way all the way to the mound. When I say walked, I mean we had a chance to hear the intro, verse, and guitar solo before this asswipe finally got to his spot. Besides the whole “Hells Bells” thing making no sense and being incredibly corny, the camera was awkwardly fixated on him for his entire stroll. Get to the fucking mound and do your job already, you’re embarrassing yourself. (By the way – after the long, drawn out spectacle, his ass got rocked and he blew the game).

Sweet jorts, and what the hell happened to your sleeves?

April 17th, 2010. I will never forget this date because on this day I was subjected to some of the most inane, aggravating, boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Ubaldo Jimenez, Colorado Rockies pitcher, threw a no hitter while the Cardinals and Mets played a game that went 20 innings. This combination of mind numbing nonsense is the kind of shit that should be reserved for torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. I can hear them now… “What do you mean, a no hitter is awesome!!” Shut up, don’t be fooled, a no hitter is a fancy way to say “you spent $80 on your tickets, $30 on food and$15 on parking to watch 2 guys play catch for 3 hours.” I used to play the no hitter game with my dad on the front lawn and nobody gave a shit. Oh, and that 20 inning game I mentioned ended with a score of 2-1. These fucktards played a professional sport for over 6 hours and barely squeaked out a few runs. 6 hours and 53 minutes of low scoring baseball is the equivalent of placing your balls on a hill of fire ants while having somebody hit you in the face with a meat tenderizer. No thanks. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last, the NFL Network is looking awfully enticing right now.

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A little background
I have a few days under my belt watching baseball regularly and so far it’s been, well, less than inspiring. One of the first things I noticed was the cute little back ‘n’ forth the pitcher plays with the batter as well as the runner on on base… I was relaxing, taking in all that baseball had to offer but I showed up a little late. There was a man on first already and the pitcher appeared ready to throw to the next batter. I settled in, grabbed a beverage and kicked back. Right away, I heard the commentator mention their “running game” which stirred thoughts of football, thereby sparking my interest…sneaky little bastards. The pitcher leaned in, shook off a sign, agreed to a sign, postured up and waited for a few seconds then attempted to pick off the runner. Failed. The base runner called time, wiped off his jersey, fixed his jock, tied his shoe and showed the 1st base ump pictures of his kids before getting back on base and back into the game. Again the pitcher leaned in, shook off a sign, agreed to a sign, postured up, waited then turned quickly towards first but didn’t throw it. The runner slid back to the base and we had to start all over again.

This time the pitcher did his thing, putsed around, took his time, looked ready to throw and as he began his wind-up the batter called time and stepped out of the box! GOD DAMN IT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!? I shook it off, chalked it up as a rare occurrence and readied myself for the next pitch. Things were looking good, pitcher went through his little ritual, the batter jostled his jock strap around a little bit and went through his nuances and the pitch came down the pipe. Foul ball… FUCK! Pitcher ritual, jostled jock, pitch #2 – Foul ball. A tip of the cap, a tap of home plate with the bat and here came pitch #3 – Foul ball. Son of a BITCH! At this point I was applying pressure to the cyanide capsule stored in my rear molar. Another set of stupid rituals and pitch #4 was thrown. Deep fly ball to right! Was this it? Was this the moment I always hear about?! I stood up from the couch and let the potato chip crumbs fall to the floor. My hands were raised in anticipation; the hair on the back of my neck was standing up in excitement as the ball sliced right – foul ball… !$&%#!@$%!$!!! I would have chomped down on the suicide tab had I not expelled it from my mouth while screaming in absolute writhing anger.

As the stadium settled down and I returned my breathing back to normal, the commentator said, “Ya know – a triple play gets them out of this inning.”

Good night.

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I’ve caught a lot of shit over the years for bad mouthing baseball. I generally have a lot to say about just how much this sport puts me to sleep. I realize that in order for me to continue bashing baseball and all that encompasses it, I will have to do so fairly. I guess I can’t take shots just to take shots without paying attention to the long, drawn out, ultra-boring crap sandwich of a season it’s wrapped up in (woops, sorry, it’s automatic). From this point on I will watch baseball, listen to baseball, attend baseball games (and not just the tailgates), pay attention and try to understand what the appeal is in watching these guys stand around for 3 plus hours (damn it, sorry). Best part is – you’re coming with me. I will chronicle my findings, thoughts and experiences in a series under this post’s title. I’m not sure how many parts this series will comprise of because I’m not sure how long I’ll make it before resorting to watching Greatest Games on NFL Network. These will most likely be pretty random with no real schedule, so subscribe (if you don’t already) to follow my journey to MLB Fandom.

Wish me luck

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It’s right around the corner, hidden behind the year’s first sunshine and warm weather. America’s past time is creeping up on us and is just about under way! I can hardly contain my joyous demeanor. The smell of freshly poured beer, the sound of sizzling grills and the chatter of thousands of animated fans. That’s right – tailgate season is only a few days away! The anticipation is killing me. The thought of drinking unmercifully and throwing up one somebody’s car hood is so exciting I could piss my pants! Did you know that some people actually go to the stadium grounds to watch the game? I know! It’s ridiculous. Watching baseball on TV is bad enough – 3 hours of programming and mind-numbing commentary only to accumulate 8 minutes of actual movement. Having to sit through it in person while some dickhead is screaming in your ear and the guy next to you is so close you can feel his chair vibrate when he farts is a fucking nightmare. Have mercy on your soul if you happen to be unlucky enough to attend a game where the pitcher and catcher just throw the ball back and forth for 9 innings. They call this a “perfect game”, but I call it “boring as balls”. The only actual thing to get excited about is the tailgate, because it is there that you get so incredibly hammered that it really doesn’t matter what happens for the next few hours thereafter – you’ll have a great time either way. Don’t get me wrong, there is a small part of me that gets a little excited when baseball season gets near; but there is also a small part of me that gets excited when I can burp for over 10 seconds – so take it for what it’s worth. I don’t need 162 god damn games to let me know who spent the most money. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that throwing cash into something just makes it better…

Do you realize that when a professional baseball player hits in the neighborhood of .300 that it’s considered above average? That means every time this jerkoff comes up to the plate he has a 30% chance of hitting the ball; he does his job 30% of the time and is considered among the best… Well fuck me sideways, I’m in the wrong line of work. I’m sure there are certain nuances of the game that make it exciting for the avid fan but the reality is that those nuances are simply boring as hell and some of the least telegenic garbage of all time. The only other way you can accomplish 30% of your job and still be employed is if you’re a weatherman.

I do have a proposal, however. I can guarantee ticket sales would fly off the charts and people would line up for blocks to gain entry to the spectacle…sounds interesting doesn’t it? Legalize steroids in sports. Hell, make them mandatory. It’s not a coincidence that the Homerun Derby grabs as many viewers as it does. People love to watch guys hit the fucking crap out of the baseball. It’s no secret. Remember when the MLB was tanking and nobody gave 2 shits about baseball? I do, and I also remember what SINGLE HANDEDLY brought it back to life – homeruns. Yeah that’s right – Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa roided up and dominated the record books, making baseball relevant again. “But the cat’s out of the bag now, right, I mean people know about steroids so it wouldn’t matter?” Bullshit. I seem to remember watching Barry Bonds with his giant neck knocking them out of the park every day while being cheered on by thousands. Everybody knew his ass was practically a pin cushion but few actually cared. “He was booed by some though.” Sure, but boos aren’t free either – they paid to get in too. Love him or hate him, people tuned in to see if he would either hit a home run or go on a roid rage rampage killing everybody in the dugout. Both scenarios are fantastic for ratings. I know there is a huge market out there for baseball and plenty of people love it but it’s just not for me. If I want to watch a bunch of guys stand around for a few hours I’ll stay in the parking lot and drink. At least there I can play bags, and my beers aren’t $6 each.

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