Posts Tagged ‘lottery’

I have had this conversation with so many people it’s stupid, and sometimes I’m shocked at the answer I get. It’s simple, if you won the lottery, or otherwise came into an enormous sum of money – would you keep your job? This hypothetical amount of money would have to be enough to live on, of course, or else this conversation is pointless. I have run into this answer more than once and it drives me insane. “I would keep working, at least part-time. I would be so bored otherwise.” Are you fucking kidding me? If I had the winning powerball numbers I would quit my job before the final number was even finished being read on TV. I would take a great deal of satisfaction in going into the office the next day as if nothing happened to just do whatever the hell I wanted, all day. I’d play Tetris, make personal calls, get hammered and fall in and out of sleep. When, inevitably, somebody finally asks me to get to work I might fart into my cupped hand and waft it their way, presenting it as a gift then walk out without a word. I’m not terribly confident I wouldn’t send an email to the whole office of my bare ass with the winning ticket stuck to it. There is also a slight chance I would bust into the office through the window on a zip line later that week after a 3 day bender in Vegas to gather my things, set them on fire then piss on them to put it out… because I’m fucking rich, that’s why. I love the people I work with, and this wouldn’t be done out of malice. I would quit almost ANY job upon becoming filthy rich. I just don’t know if I would be able to contain myself. Listen, I don’t care what anybody says – people are not meant to sit at a desk while being watched and judged for 8 hours a day. The pure elation that would come with the thought of knowing I’ll never have to do that again would make me drunk with creative ways to celebrate – appropriate or not.

People have told me, “You would get bored being at home all day.” 1) If you honestly think that, you obviously don’t know me too well and 2)Who says I’ll be at home? If I feel like having crab legs for lunch, I’ll take a trip to Maine. Feel the urge to riot, loot or kill? We could head down to New Orleans during hurricane season. You would be surprised how not bored I’d be playing Xbox on my 50 foot TV all day. I really do believe that if you are one of those people who says they would still work if they won the lottery – you’re either full of shit or don’t know how to have fun. Take a good deal of that money and bank it, invest it, find ways to make it grow then enjoy sleeping in every day and doing whatever the hell you please. We get one life (unless you’re delusional, then you think we might get another up in the sky) so why the hell would I spend it commuting, reporting, frustrated or deadlined? If you ever win the lottery and feel the need to keep working, give me your winning ticket and I’ll have fun for you – because you’ve obviously given up on life. So what do you think – would you work, or quit?

(Also – it’s a celebration bitches, this is my 150th post!)

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You may have seen the story already, but to sum it up, this hillbilly from Missouri fell ass-backwards into $258 million after cashing in the winning powerball ticket (read the article, the guy is hilarious for all the wrong reasons). He goes on to say that he only had $28.96 in his bank account at the time, which when you think about it, means his decision-making skills are about as sharp as Octomom’s. At $5, the powerball ticket he purchased accounted for nearly 18% of his total income. Sure he’s the one laughing now, but the odds of winning the powerball are about as good as the odds of not getting an STD from Lindsay Lohan. It’s this kind of mental acumen that make the south the south: guns>education, beer>food, black eyes>happy marriage, overalls>real clothes, etc… I really wish I could be excited for him, thinking about all the good things he can do with that money, but I have absolutely no faith in the way this will turn out. Some people spend 18% of their income on a car or house, this guy – a piece of paper. This got me thinking about some of the things a deep southern slack jawed numbnuts might do with all that money…

Well first I think a celebration would be in order

Spread the wealth, have the family over for some horseshoes

They’re bound to get hungry, so don’t be stingy – feed them!

You have to cap off the celebratory day by hitting the town in style

You have the money now, so hire a babysitter

After you’ve soaked in the win, time to start changing your life. Renew your vows and get some new professional family photos

Now move on up! Go get that mansion you’ve always wanted

So now you got the house, DECK IT OUT!!!

Welcome to my home, now stick your finger in this Deer's ass

Upgrade your bathroom too, go big – splurge a little

Beautiful open concept

What mansion is complete without a jacuzzi?

Now that you have all these nice things, you better protect them

You’ve secured your home, but with all that money you’ll have to get out and live a little. A good start is to head out and buy a new wardrobe.

Now that you don’t have to work anymore, you can get out and enjoy the finer things in life like fishing. Plus you can finally buy your own boat to hit the water in!

Nascar is the South’s favorite past time, so now you can sponsor your own car and watch it drive in circles with front row seats!

And since you’re not officially rich unless you have a yacht, you’ll have to get one of those too

Finally, I think it’s about time to take care of one last thing: dental work a lifetime supply of Skoal

I’ll be paying close attention to this one. The minute our modern day Jed Clampett puts spinners on his tractor or tries to bring back slavery, I want to be the first to know.

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Recently I posted an entry entitled, “Headlines that make you want to punch somebody”. Contained herein were a few stories I couldn’t quite wrap my head around. Not surprisingly I have come across plenty more headlines that make you feel the urge to slam your face into a wall in disbelief. Seeing as how there is an abundance of stupid people begging to be noticed, I started a category for these special feats of idiocy.

“Lottery Winner Eats $15,000 Winning Lottery Ticket”: The crew on a flight from Krakow, Poland, to the U.K.’s East Midlands airport were given what sounds like in-flight scratch off lottery tickets of which one man won $15,000 on. For whatever reason this blockhead felt as though he should be able to claim his prize right there on the plane. After what I can only assume was a situation where somebody told this dumb ass that most flights don’t carry $15,000 on hand and putting up a fight much to the chagrin of the crew, he decided he had only one option. Mr. Simpleton made the executive decision to eat his winning lottery ticket, which invalidated his claim. Who the hell, by any deductive reasoning in their right mind comes up with that solution? This is the kind of person that, when asked a question with 4 possible answer choices,  shits his pants and makes up his own. I’m just grateful this didn’t happen on American soil because I’m certain it would put us at threat level orange or whichever the hell color means, “be afraid”.

“Boozy chimp sent to rehab” (seriously): This one really shouldn’t surprise me as it seems there is always somebody chomping at the bit to do something completely mindless to and/or with wild animals as I’ve talked about before. Zhora, a chimpanzee hailing from mother Russia, had a tough time growing up on the streets. He became aggressive at his job with the circus, was laid off and shipped to the city of Rostov where he became tangled up with the wrong crowd. It is here that Zhora fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and fell into his 2 addictions – beer and cigarettes. It was even noted that Zholan could be found begging passers-by for a drag. All kidding aside (kind of), the person responsible for this atrocity should be obligated to allow the chimp to take a good hard swipe at his face for good measure. Who is sitting around having beer and smoking cigarettes with a chimp? Lucky for Zholan, they shipped his ass to Kazan (a.k.a. middle of nowhere) to undergo rehab; Lucky for us, imbeciles like this and that jerk off from the first paragraph will continue to do things that provide us endless hours of entertainment.

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