What would a hardcore redneck do with $258 million?

You may have seen the story already, but to sum it up, this hillbilly from Missouri fell ass-backwards into $258 million after cashing in the winning powerball ticket (read the article, the guy is hilarious for all the wrong reasons). He goes on to say that he only had $28.96 in his bank account at the time, which when you think about it, means his decision-making skills are about as sharp as Octomom’s. At $5, the powerball ticket he purchased accounted for nearly 18% of his total income. Sure he’s the one laughing now, but the odds of winning the powerball are about as good as the odds of not getting an STD from Lindsay Lohan. It’s this kind of mental acumen that make the south the south: guns>education, beer>food, black eyes>happy marriage, overalls>real clothes, etc… I really wish I could be excited for him, thinking about all the good things he can do with that money, but I have absolutely no faith in the way this will turn out. Some people spend 18% of their income on a car or house, this guy – a piece of paper. This got me thinking about some of the things a deep southern slack jawed numbnuts might do with all that money…

Well first I think a celebration would be in order

Spread the wealth, have the family over for some horseshoes

They’re bound to get hungry, so don’t be stingy – feed them!

You have to cap off the celebratory day by hitting the town in style

You have the money now, so hire a babysitter

After you’ve soaked in the win, time to start changing your life. Renew your vows and get some new professional family photos

Now move on up! Go get that mansion you’ve always wanted

So now you got the house, DECK IT OUT!!!

Welcome to my home, now stick your finger in this Deer's ass

Upgrade your bathroom too, go big – splurge a little

Beautiful open concept

What mansion is complete without a jacuzzi?

Now that you have all these nice things, you better protect them

You’ve secured your home, but with all that money you’ll have to get out and live a little. A good start is to head out and buy a new wardrobe.

Now that you don’t have to work anymore, you can get out and enjoy the finer things in life like fishing. Plus you can finally buy your own boat to hit the water in!

Nascar is the South’s favorite past time, so now you can sponsor your own car and watch it drive in circles with front row seats!

And since you’re not officially rich unless you have a yacht, you’ll have to get one of those too

Finally, I think it’s about time to take care of one last thing: dental work a lifetime supply of Skoal

I’ll be paying close attention to this one. The minute our modern day Jed Clampett puts spinners on his tractor or tries to bring back slavery, I want to be the first to know.

Lindsay Lohan thinks we still care about her

The queen of promiscuity is at it again, claiming the latest E-Trade commercial took a swing in an attempt to sully her already stellar reputation. In the commercial they reference a “milkaholic” named Lindsay, so of course she threw on some panties, dropped on the giant sunglasses and called her lawyer. The lawsuit is for $100 million, and why not, it would take her lifetimes to make that much money charging people to watch her dominate 8 balls off of night club toilet seats. Her lawyer then had the audacity to say that ” ‘Lindsay’ is an equally recognizable moniker for her client — like that of Oprah or Madonna”. I can not stand any of those three people, but I would be remiss if I didn’t at least acknowledge the fact that putting Lindsay Lohan – the sultan of slutty – in the pantheon with 2 of the most successful women of our time is absolutely ri-god damn-diculous. I’m hoping the suit is denied, and they charge Lohan with one count of absurd and 1 count of shut the hell up nobody cares about you anymore.