Posts Tagged ‘lebron james’

Great basketball player? No question. Do I want him on the Bulls? You better believe it. Does he have balls the size of watermelons and an ego that makes even Brett Favre bow before him? Obviously. 

...of what happens when ESPN kisses your ass for 7 years."

Tonight at 8pm CST Lebron James is holding an hour-long ESPN special to announce which team he is going to sign with. The balls on this guy, and we thought the Brett Favre shenanigans were bad. I’m not sure how he thinks this Lebron-a-thon doesn’t end with everybody thinking he is a tremendously arrogant, self-absorbed piece of shit. Consider the scenarios: if he stays with Cleveland, he unnecessarily strung along everybody else just to give them the proverbial middle finger on a national stage. If he leaves Cleveland, it is the equivalent of pulling his pants down and asking the Cavalier fans to kiss his ass in one of the most epic breakups I’ve ever seen. Instead of signing an extension years ago or dealing with a team like a normal fucking person, Lebron thinks it necessary to drag this out and parade on stage in what has to be one of the clearest displays of pompous douchebaggery in the history of professional sports. 

Lebron already announced that he will name his team in the first 10 minutes of the broadcast, which means the ESPN anchors will undoubtedly just powder his balls for the next 50 minutes while “King James” makes it rain on them. I’m not saying I blame him, I mean what would you do if the whole world kissed your ass since High School? Granted, whichever team he signs with will produce an elated fan base, and if the Bulls land him I’d be stupid not to be happy – he makes them a much, much better team and closer to winning a title and I’m on record as saying that’s really all I care about. This, however, is a tough pill to swallow. I can not be convinced that this is anything other than a self-indulgent spectacle to show to the world that Lebron James can do whatever the hell Lebron James wants to do and there isn’t a damn thing anybody can do about it. 

“But he’s giving some money to The Boys and Girls Club.” Shut up, that’s what rich people say when they just want to have their feet kissed publicly without feeling guilty about it. If he really wanted to help a charity, why not just cut them a check with his ridiculous contract he’s about to receive? Because he likes it when ESPN gives him a reach around, that’s why. Speaking of which, I’d like to send a personal “fuck you” to ESPN for hugging Lebron’s ass through this whole process. Every reporter has a different source telling them he’s going somewhere else, and the news feeds have just been embarrassing to watch so they thought, “Fuck it, since none of us know what the hell is going on, why not let Lebron do our jobs for us?” I’m convinced that even if Lebron signs with the Bulls, Stephen A. Smith (renowned ass hat) will still report that he’s heading to the Knicks. 

This whole thing is almost too ridiculous to wrap my head around, but that being said, I’ll still tune in because sports are like my bible – regardless of how stupid it sounds I still follow it like mindless drone (it’s my curse). I do want to ask something of you guys though. It’s been widely reported that Lebron finally joined Twitter, and I’m sure he has received an outpouring of affection from all his fans. Take a minute and let @KingJames know he’s kind of a dick (I did) and send him the link to this post.

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Yeah, I said “retarded”, get over it. Anyway, how was your 4th of July? Did you blow your hand off like I said you would? I spent mine at Summerfest (big Milwaukee festival – food, drinks, mediocre music, yada yada). My wife, aware of my affinity for the ridiculous, pointed out one of the most asinine trends I have seen in a long time. My attention span was ruined for the rest of the day, I couldn’t believe what I was looking at.

So apparently this is a thing now – hiked up multi-colored NBA socks. Listen, I’m not “stylish”. I don’t “wear pants all of the time.” I never claim to “know what I look like when I leave the house.” Yes, my favorite shirt is one that reads “It’s not a beer belly, it’s a fuel tank for a sex machine”, but I would never be caught wearing some dumbass concoction of flamboyant eyesore shit like this.

This is coming from somebody who grew up in the city of Chicago, so I’ve seen my fair share of ridiculous trends but this one has me scratching my head. It honestly looks as if this guy asked his 3-year-old to put together his outfit for him. Even the 3-year-old probably giggled as he grabbed daddy’s yellow socks and black sneakers, thinking about how god damn stupid he was going to look. Much to my dismay, this cretinous collection of idiotic fashion statements were everywhere. Every direction I looked there were NBA socks: lime green, blaze orange, red, blue, most accompanied by shorts of the completely opposite color. I couldn’t prepare my camera phone quick enough to keep up with them all. I even snapped a picture while riding the sky deck.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, there they were:

Yep, socks and sandals, outdoors, in public.

I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry – I’m an equal opportunity observational retorter.

If there is anything I have learned from this, it’s that there is no such thing as “fashion.” The term perception is reality couldn’t be more true here. They really believe, in their heart of hearts, that they look cool (the same way these assholes do). All of these trends are just an example of what happens when enough people are willing to look as stupid as one person does. Who is responsible for this crap anyway? If anybody knows the origin of this nonsense, please, comment away. If I ever become rich and famous enough to carry this kind of influential power, I’m going to start wearing pants on my arms and shirts on my legs just to see how far they’ll go. The thing that really chaps my ass is that they’re not even doing anything original here, this is just a new spin on an old classic.

Still stupid, 50 years later

Here are a few more, because inconspicuously taking all these pictures was not easy.

I spent the long weekend convincing myself that this wasn’t an actual thing, but I’m afraid I might be wrong. Is this happening everywhere, or have I just been unlucky enough to now live in a place where it looks like the Easter Bunny threw up all over everybody’s feet?

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To hell with college!

Posted: March 30, 2010 in sports
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This idea that world-class athletes should have to go to college before turning pro is absolutely ridiculous. The “student-athlete” term is abused and is actually kind of an oxymoron. The entire point of going to college is to get an education that may or may not allow you to work for a higher pay rate, right? So why the hell should somebody have to go to college if they know they can make millions without going? Because the system sucks, that’s why. As far as I’m concerned, forcing a great athlete to go to college just puts them at risk of being injured or otherwise shortening their career, hampering their ability to make a living doing what they’re skilled at. Tell Lebron James he should have gone to college, he’d likely give you the $10,000 in his pocket to be quiet and leave him alone.

There are millions of people with college degrees that have average jobs and astronomical student loan debt. Hell, sometimes I use my college diploma when I run out of tee-pee. I don’t want to hear about some athletes getting extra praise for ‘sticking it out’ through 4 years of college and being a ‘student athlete’ because that is total bullshit. The only reason why somebody stays is because they know they’re not good enough to leave yet, not because they want to listen to some dickwad tell them about finite mathematics.

I’m not saying any moron with a pair of gym shoes and a dream should forgo college, what I am saying is that the ones who are gifted should be able to use college applications as coasters. What difference does it really make? Have you ever listened to post-game interviews with those athletes that did graduate from college? They nearly choke on their tongue trying to put together a sentence. It’s a good thing they spent all that time studying in college…

“But what if they get hurt, they have nothing to fall back on.” Jesus christ, please shut up, make the bleeding stop, please stop my ears from ringing. You can go to college whenever you want, but a professional athletic career is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Let’s say, for example, somebody skips college and goes pro. Then he gets his signing bonus and ends up hurt in the first game. OK – go back to college. No harm, no foul. Not to mention the fact that there is still a very good chance he remains on the team or in the league anyway. Or let’s imagine an athlete that skips college and has a decent year or two, makes a few million bucks then gets hurt. The only thing he will have to fall back on is his bed of money. Again, if he wants to go back to school, so be it; if not, he’ll probably stay in the league, don’t forget that he’s already made more money in those 2 years than I ever will in my entire life. “But most athletes are broke when their career is over.” Listen – If athletes are dumb enough to spend all their money right away that’s not my fault so I DEFINITELY will not buy that as a reason to pick college over a pro athletic career. “But they’ll miss out on the college experience.” If, by “college experience”, you mean drinking until passing out and waking up next to some random girl in a frat house every weekend then I guess you have me… Unless you replace ‘girl’ with ‘supermodel’ and ‘frat house’ with ‘mansion’, then the win goes to the athletic career… again. What I’m saying is that for these people, college is completely useless and shouldn’t be forced on them. I am so sick of the people who vehemently stress the importance of getting a college education before turning pro. It is so completely righteous and pompous to tell somebody else they should wait to live an absolute dream just because you’re average an unexciting just like the rest of us. So shut up, stop being so damn jealous and let them do what they’re here to do. If you had the opportunity to make millions but passed it up to live in a dorm room and eat ramen – congratulations, you’re an asshat.

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