Posts Tagged ‘holiday’

Independence Day is almost here, so before you prove to your kid how cool you are by blowing your hand off you will most likely, at some point, be standing in a line at the grocery store to stock up. This doesn’t have to be a horrible experience, but you’ll have to keep your wits about you. It is very important to keep your head on a swivel, as choosing which check out line you stand in is of great importance. Sure, it’s tempting to pick the line with the hottest clerk, but they’re normally the dumbest ones so don’t be fooled. It’s hard to check somebody out quickly when you can’t read or operate a computer, so skip the Jersey Shore wannabe and find the savvy veteran. You’re looking for messy hair, a fake smile and the smell of cigarettes – because those people want to get you out of there just as fast as you want to leave. Look for flair, or a banged up name tag. The brand new name tag or one with a written-in name on it is a clear sign that you have a rookie and need to abort immediately. Once you’ve made sure the clerk you’ve chosen can read, stays away from spray-on tans and has a few merit badges on their vest – it’s time to scan the crowd.

You will need to pay very close attention to shopping carts and the items contained therein. All other shoppers need to be considered your competition, and treated as such. I don’t trust fruit or vegetables. Anything without a UPC can be subject to a price check intercom call – in which case you’re better off just opening that box of Oreos and taking a seat, because it’s going to be a while before the stock boy finishes his bong hit and makes his way up from the back room.

If you see grey, walk away. The only thing slower than standing behind an elderly person in the grocery line is the Cubs march to a World Series title. Don’t forget that they’re usually packing coupons too, and that is 15 minutes you will never get back.

Keep an eye out for lurkers – they are a pawn in the “lurk and swoop” tactic. Has some woman ever asked to cut you in line because she only has 1 item? This is a red flag, don’t become a victim. If they really only have 1 item they can use the self checkout or go to Walgreens, don’t buy into the bullshit. Watch for people hovering nearby with a cart packed with groceries, if you spot somebody putsing around aimlessly – tell that bitch to stuff it and start filling up the conveyor belt. Trust me, the minute you let her jump in front of you, her snot nosed teenager will come barreling in with a cart full of groceries. I have enough going on during the holiday weekend, I don’t have the time or energy to publicly berate somebody in front of her kids.

Sometimes it’s not as easy to choose your line, there are times when split-second decisions need to be made. Any hesitation at all could cost you an extra 20 minutes standing behind the behemoth man in his motorized cart. Consider the situations below. The color green indicates your average in and out shopper – easily scanned items, no fruit or coupons and sitting at a healthy, quick, mid-life age range. Yellow can represent a slightly slower shopper – maybe you notice a few coupons, or even grey hair – but using your best judgement you would have to assume they’re not too slow. Red will represent a dreadful, old, coupon having, broke, fruit lover who doesn’t know their ass from their elbows – you want to avoid them at all costs, sometimes even if they only have a few items. The numbers represent the number of items each person has in their cart. Exhibit A demonstrates a no-brainer situation: The left lane has 30 items total among red and yellow shoppers while the right line contains 15 total items mainly distributed among the competent variety of shoppers. Pick the line to the right, dumbass. Exhibit B is where it gets a little tricky. The line on the left is predominantly red and yellow shoppers, but they only have 20 total items whereas the line on the right has 15 more items, but are held by quick shoppers. Don’t be afraid to cheat a little, favor the right line but position yourself for the easy switch in case the clerk in left line happens to be an all-star during the middle of his shift. Set yourself up for success and stay sharp, these things can change quickly.

Most importantly, trust your instincts – if they look stupid, they probably are. If the guy in line looks like he might only have $3 in his bank account, he probably does, and get out – because voiding an entire sale due to non-sufficient funds will require you to break out the Oreos again. I know this may seem funny now, but you won’t be laughing when some pimple faced jerkoff cuts you in line after his mother preyed on your kindness and the old lady in front of you shakily gathers her coupons to give to the half-wit bimbo clerk… are those bags of apples, broccoli and nectarines? Cancel your plans.

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I know I’m a little late on this one, lick my ass, I’ve been busy. Besides, I thought it would be good to wait until everybody was sobered up so you can actually comprehend this. I caught this story on Cinco De Mayo about high-school kids who were told to remove their American flag shirts and bandanas or be suspended. “They said we could wear it on any other day,” Daniel Galli said, “but today is sensitive to Mexican-Americans because it’s supposed to be their holiday so we were not allowed to wear it today.” Is this guy kidding? Is this vice-principal so afraid of minorities that he felt the need de-America his school in fear of a revolucion? I suppose during Black History Month we should all have to wear a kufi. Or maybe on St. Patrick’s Day we should not be allowed to stay sober. Forcing somebody to recognize a holiday is almost as bad as bringing kids to church who are too young to think rationally.

Another student said the kids should apologize, and that “We don’t deserve to be get disrespected like that. We wouldn’t do that on the Fourth of July.” I’ll remember that the next time I’m grilling out on the 4th and a car drives by with the Mexican flag strapped to the hood and mariachi music blaring from the system. Forget, for a moment, that this is the United States of America and not Mexico. Also forget for a second that the only apology that should to be made is one to all English-speaking Americans. I can’t even begin to imagine what incredible waste of time and resources are put into forcing us to learn Spanish (I can count the credits I’ve pissed away). When it’s mandatory for immigrants to learn English, I’ll wear a fucking Lucha Libre mask every Cinco de Mayo. I’m pointing out the fact that this Mexican-American student tried to make a connection between Cinco de Mayo and the 4th of July when they have nothing to fucking do with each other! If you don’t even know why “your day” is being celebrated, I’m not going to give a shit either. I’ve found out that most people who celebrate it have no clue as to why, and most Mexicans think Americans are idiotic for doing so, and they’re right.

“Cinco de Mayo” celebrates a Spanish victory over the French, not their independence. We have somehow been tricked into believing that this is the day on which we need to drink margaritas, shake maracas and go to Pepe’s. I would hope a school administrator might know that but I watch the news too often to put trust in pretty much anything. Silly me, where do I get off hoping somebody responsible for the education of children might crack open a history book in between bong hits? Did you know St. Patrick’s day is bullshit too? I’m sorry, but most of what we celebrate are made up Hallmark holidays to get you drunk and dump the change out of your pockets, it’s the American dream. If you need an excuse to drink and have fun, celebrate being American – if there’s one thing we do well in this country it’s clouding our judgement and doing something regrettable.

Shit, what’s that phrase you use after saying something that can be misconstrued as racist?… Oh yeah! “It’s OK, one of my best friends is Mexican.” (ask him! @hotfortacos)

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