6-25-2010

It was a sad day in North Korea as Kim Jong-Il’s pride was beaten to a bloody pulp, so he paid it forward. Monday, North Korea’s World Cup team lost to Portugal 7-0 in a humiliating send off on Soccer’s biggest stage. “Oh, they’re all dead, believe me. It’s not important how they were killed, just know that it was very painful” Jong-Il declared to a terrified press room on Friday. “It makes me look weak, and I can’t have everybody knowing how small my penis is. I’d kill Cristiano Ronaldo too if he wasn’t so damn cute.”

Kim Jong-Il is putting himself in charge of the next World Cup team and says armed guards will surround the field at tryouts. Missed passes, bad shots or goals allowed will result in immediate death “because I fucking can, that’s why”, he said. In a more revealing report, he was overheard saying, “How the hell are we supposed to rule the world when we lose 7-0 in a sport where the average goals scored is 2? This is worse than the days my daughters were born.” He wasn’t asked many more questions, but still occupied about an hour threatening to nuke the media, South Africa, Portugal, anybody associated with FIFA and anybody who ever mentions this game again. He was asked why the team was so ill-prepared and exclaimed, “Your mom was ill-prepared!” then kicked the podium and walked away. It was very awkward, juvenile and disturbing. Additionally, the funeral services will be held “In hell” according to a representative of the Jong-Il administration.

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This dumbass duo of potheads tried to cash in on the wonders of internet solicitation. Problem is, they were high when they came up with the idea.

Tweedle dee and tweedle dunce were quickly emailed with a trade offer, to an undercover cop. Creative? Sure. Smart? Furthest thing from.

If you thought that was pretty stupid, you won’t believe the kind of shit this Vermont teenager pulled. Nicholas Buckalew, 18, broke into a tomb, opened the casket and sawed off a dead man’s head with the intention of making it into a bong. He then told his friends he did it because “he was bored.” Kids have sure come along way from the apple. Police exercised a search warrant and found the head, hacksaw, crowbar and pieces of the casket. He was going to hide all the evidence, but then he got high.

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Bernard Berrian, mediocre NFL wide receiver, recently blocked me from following him on Twitter. I consider it a small feat for every person who’s sick and tired of hearing millionaires complain about stupid shit. Berrian consistently complained about having to pay bills, and about how much he hated it. So I told him that millionaires aren’t allowed to bitch about money. He complained again, so I let him have it again. That’s all it took, he couldn’t handle it and blocked me without ever responding. Even though he never had the balls to say anything back, he took the time to block me so I am putting this in the win column. In all seriousness, I’m pretty bummed. Now I’ll be left without Tweets like

And the classics:

Awwww, sorry buddy, still sore about losing your job to a rookie and somebody else nobody’s ever heard of. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do just fine as the #3 WR, and I’m sure you’ll get the money you want when they renegotiate your contract and realize how much they overpaid for your sorry ass in the first place. At least your avatar picture isn’t incredibly gay. Oh, wait.

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Irony is a son of a bitch. A six-story statue of jesus in the town of Monroe, OH was struck by lightning and burned to the ground a few days ago. Did Jesus forget to clean his room? Was this a cruel form of omnipotent punishment? I searched like crazy to read the explanations from religious nutjobs but became increasingly frustrated when they continued to elude me. It’s funny how when something terrible happens (i.e. September 11th) the delusional masses find ways to exploit those situations into some ecclesiastical “I told you so” lecture (i.e. God is mad, so he allowed September 11th to happen to teach us a lesson). What happens when tragedy strikes their own iconic figure? Nothing. I guess there’s no good explanation for why God would shit where he eats huh? What I DID find, though, were plenty of explanations about how the steel frame was what attracted the lightning strike. So science and reason are admissible for this incident, but not for everything else they believe in? Selective reasoning is also called denial.

Church pastor, Darlene Bishop, said, “It will be back, but this time we are going to try for something fireproof.” What about prayer and holy water, no good? It’s the same reason why some churches have lightning rods on their steeple, and it’s a direct contradiction to their very dogma. Maybe they’re not so confident anymore? Listen, if you’re going to cite scientific fact of electrical conductivity in metal then I don’t think you’re allowed to hypothesize that a magic man created everything from thin air in 7 days with nothing to prove it with. If you’re going to be irrational, be irrational all the time – don’t jump in and out like some drunken moron attempting double-dutch. The damage to the statue and amphitheater is reported to be around $100,000 but it’s cool, when your company’s not taxed and your customers believe everything you tell them, you can make that up pretty quickly.

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I’ve heard this happen before and know people who it has happened to. You might be familiar with the scenario, it generally takes place at a party, other get together or sometimes over the phone:

-I’m sorry, what was your name? Mr. Jones?

-It’s Dr. Jones.


Oh is it? I don’t think you heard me. I didn’t ask if you were an arrogant prick, I asked you what your fucking name was, but thanks for answering the former. Are we in a doctor’s office, is there a reason why I should drop to my knees and weep before you? Oh, my bad, you have me confused with somebody who gives a shit. Besides, I’m pretty sure you go home, take a dump and watch TV just like I do so excuse me for not boosting your fucking ego any more than it already is. Why the hell should I have to address you with a special title, because you went to medical school? Kiss my ass, you’re smart, we get it – now do your job like every other god damn citizen in this country. I won’t bow to you because you’re allowed to fondle my balls once a year. Is there actually a viable reason why we’re supposed to address these people with the title of their academic achievement? I’m coming up with very few reasons why it would benefit anything except, of course, just enabling them to remain on their pedestal. I’ve actually had people tell me, “Make sure you address him as Dr.” Give me a break, if his name is Fred I’m calling him Fred, if for no other reason, to spite him. If he wants to throw a fit about that, then I’ll just go with “turd.” Listen, Dr. Dickbag, your payoff for completing medical school is the giant paycheck. If you’re spending it on hookers, blow, prescription drugs and need a title to feel superior, then come to my office where Dr. Nick administers free humbling punches to the face. I’ll write you a prescription for tell somebody who cares and a lifetime dose of shut the fuck up. If you insist or ask that I call you Dr outside of the workplace, I’m going to have to insist that you stop wasting your time. You paid for the title, not me. Look in the mirror and call yourself Dr, because I’ll most likely just call you Fred. If that makes you sad, then drive your BMW to your country club and cry about it there.

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Better known as “One of Those Stupid Assholes from Jersey Shore”,  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has found a new way to completely embarrass himself. Adding to the list of things he is terrible at and doomed to failure in, The Situation is going to prove to the world that he not only sucks in general, but now he sucks specifically at rapping too. I, personally, can’t figure out where he found the time to get this done. In between his trips to the gym, tanning bed, ironing board, cat calling women and filming YouTube videos only the brainless give a shit about, he has managed to squeeze in a few minutes to come up with arguably the most awful thing you will ever hear. TMZ first broke a clip of his song which includes incredibly poetic lyrics such as, “Woah, the situation. Woah, woah the mother effing situation. Woah, woah the situation.” Breathtaking. I would expect nothing less from a collaboration with guys named Fatman Scoop, DJ Class, and The Disco Fries. They even put their brilliant minds together to come up with the inventive song title of “The Situation.” Musical masterminds. You can listen to the clip at TMZ here, but I caution you – there is no coming back from that.

Included, but not limited to, in the things I’d rather do than listen to this are: pierce my scrotum with a rusty nail, close my face in a george foreman, watch baseball, be accosted by a priest or listen to Ke$ha. I’m shocked every time a “musician” like Ke$ha or Lady Gaga start selling records, but I shouldn’t be. The bar for good music has been set so low that pretty much any assortment of frequencies including a bass line has every dumbass in the world uniting to pump fists and deny their retardation. It’s gotten so bad that a guy like The Situation just walked into a room with that piece of crap track and other people in the room actually looked at each other and said, “Yes! Let’s all put our names on this so everybody knows that we endorse it!” The collaborative brain function of the average orange-faced Jersey Shore fan is somewhere near that of a half-aborted fetus with downs, but there is no way anybody can think this is good music. I guarantee I’ll be shocked again though when the dickbag actually sells some of these, then thanks god for his achievements – furthering my argument for de-evolution. Stay in the tanning bed and turn it on high, you’ll be doing the world a favor.

This is sign language for "I'm a douchebag"

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If you’ve watched the World Cup at all recently you’re probably wondering, “Where is the giant pile of shit?” Considering the constant buzzing of flies around the stadium I thought there must have been a huge waste hole somewhere nearby, and considering the location, I wouldn’t be too surprised. I was shocked to find out that this ridiculous, overbearing, endless annoyance is actually being produced by the fans… on purpose! They all have a plastic noisemaker named a Vuvuzela horn, which translates to “Instrument of petulance” (I looked it up on Wikipedia, it HAS to be accurate). They are being sold extremely cheap to ensure that every fan in the stadium has the ability to contribute to another’s eventual deafness. They tried to have them banned, being described by some people on the field as sounding like a “heard of elephants.” Some players said they can’t even communicate on the field just a few feet away from each other. Will they be banned? Hell no, manufacturing those things for 20 cents and selling them for $3 is the reason why the rand (South African dollar) was the best-performing currency against the US Dollar a few years back (or maybe that’s an indictment, whatever) – They’re making assloads of money off of them and aren’t dumb enough to stop. People get murdered for their diamonds… MURDERED, do you honestly think they give a shit if some old man is inconvenienced by another blaring fart noises in his ear? Doubt it. The rest of the world pays money to get shit faced, fight each other and yell in order to be annoying. The South Africans make a killing by manufacturing horns that annoy the piss out of everybody. I’ve also read that they are selling ear-plugs marketed as “vuvu-stop”… GENIUS! They took a page out of the American medical playbook – create something to sell that causes a problem, then sell the solution – win/win! (unless you’re the vaccinated kid with autism…then it’s a lose/lose, but enough wet blanket for now)

That'll be 2 bucks

On TV it sounds like a constant barrage of flies, or as if somebody punched a hornets nest the size of Rhode Island. Regardless, it’s an easy way of knowing that you should either change the channel or leave the room. When it sounds like my wife let a family of bees take up residence in our living room, it lets me know that I should just stay in the basement. At the very least the Vuvuzela serves as an excellent source of white noise, contributing further to a televised soccer game’s ability to quickly put me to sleep. The biggest pro for the Vuvuzela horns, in my opinion (always right), is the way they drown out the British commentators. I would rather listen to Paris Hilton fart on a snare drum while trying to explain to me why she’s famous than to hear a British accent for any longer than 30 seconds. However, whenever I think I’m the one who’s annoyed, I remind myself that at least I’m not the guy sitting directly in front of some dickwad with one of those damn things aimed directly at the back of my head.

There are only a few times during which the Vuvuzela horn is permitted to be used. I don’t know all the rules, so this is based off of what I could tell from watching on TV:

Picture’s from the Tosh.0 blog. (Which, If you don’t frequent or watch the show – I question your outlook on life)

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