Archive for the ‘sports’ Category

Great basketball player? No question. Do I want him on the Bulls? You better believe it. Does he have balls the size of watermelons and an ego that makes even Brett Favre bow before him? Obviously. 

...of what happens when ESPN kisses your ass for 7 years."

Tonight at 8pm CST Lebron James is holding an hour-long ESPN special to announce which team he is going to sign with. The balls on this guy, and we thought the Brett Favre shenanigans were bad. I’m not sure how he thinks this Lebron-a-thon doesn’t end with everybody thinking he is a tremendously arrogant, self-absorbed piece of shit. Consider the scenarios: if he stays with Cleveland, he unnecessarily strung along everybody else just to give them the proverbial middle finger on a national stage. If he leaves Cleveland, it is the equivalent of pulling his pants down and asking the Cavalier fans to kiss his ass in one of the most epic breakups I’ve ever seen. Instead of signing an extension years ago or dealing with a team like a normal fucking person, Lebron thinks it necessary to drag this out and parade on stage in what has to be one of the clearest displays of pompous douchebaggery in the history of professional sports. 

Lebron already announced that he will name his team in the first 10 minutes of the broadcast, which means the ESPN anchors will undoubtedly just powder his balls for the next 50 minutes while “King James” makes it rain on them. I’m not saying I blame him, I mean what would you do if the whole world kissed your ass since High School? Granted, whichever team he signs with will produce an elated fan base, and if the Bulls land him I’d be stupid not to be happy – he makes them a much, much better team and closer to winning a title and I’m on record as saying that’s really all I care about. This, however, is a tough pill to swallow. I can not be convinced that this is anything other than a self-indulgent spectacle to show to the world that Lebron James can do whatever the hell Lebron James wants to do and there isn’t a damn thing anybody can do about it. 

“But he’s giving some money to The Boys and Girls Club.” Shut up, that’s what rich people say when they just want to have their feet kissed publicly without feeling guilty about it. If he really wanted to help a charity, why not just cut them a check with his ridiculous contract he’s about to receive? Because he likes it when ESPN gives him a reach around, that’s why. Speaking of which, I’d like to send a personal “fuck you” to ESPN for hugging Lebron’s ass through this whole process. Every reporter has a different source telling them he’s going somewhere else, and the news feeds have just been embarrassing to watch so they thought, “Fuck it, since none of us know what the hell is going on, why not let Lebron do our jobs for us?” I’m convinced that even if Lebron signs with the Bulls, Stephen A. Smith (renowned ass hat) will still report that he’s heading to the Knicks. 

This whole thing is almost too ridiculous to wrap my head around, but that being said, I’ll still tune in because sports are like my bible – regardless of how stupid it sounds I still follow it like mindless drone (it’s my curse). I do want to ask something of you guys though. It’s been widely reported that Lebron finally joined Twitter, and I’m sure he has received an outpouring of affection from all his fans. Take a minute and let @KingJames know he’s kind of a dick (I did) and send him the link to this post.

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6-25-2010

It was a sad day in North Korea as Kim Jong-Il’s pride was beaten to a bloody pulp, so he paid it forward. Monday, North Korea’s World Cup team lost to Portugal 7-0 in a humiliating send off on Soccer’s biggest stage. “Oh, they’re all dead, believe me. It’s not important how they were killed, just know that it was very painful” Jong-Il declared to a terrified press room on Friday. “It makes me look weak, and I can’t have everybody knowing how small my penis is. I’d kill Cristiano Ronaldo too if he wasn’t so damn cute.”

Kim Jong-Il is putting himself in charge of the next World Cup team and says armed guards will surround the field at tryouts. Missed passes, bad shots or goals allowed will result in immediate death “because I fucking can, that’s why”, he said. In a more revealing report, he was overheard saying, “How the hell are we supposed to rule the world when we lose 7-0 in a sport where the average goals scored is 2? This is worse than the days my daughters were born.” He wasn’t asked many more questions, but still occupied about an hour threatening to nuke the media, South Africa, Portugal, anybody associated with FIFA and anybody who ever mentions this game again. He was asked why the team was so ill-prepared and exclaimed, “Your mom was ill-prepared!” then kicked the podium and walked away. It was very awkward, juvenile and disturbing. Additionally, the funeral services will be held “In hell” according to a representative of the Jong-Il administration.

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Bernard Berrian, mediocre NFL wide receiver, recently blocked me from following him on Twitter. I consider it a small feat for every person who’s sick and tired of hearing millionaires complain about stupid shit. Berrian consistently complained about having to pay bills, and about how much he hated it. So I told him that millionaires aren’t allowed to bitch about money. He complained again, so I let him have it again. That’s all it took, he couldn’t handle it and blocked me without ever responding. Even though he never had the balls to say anything back, he took the time to block me so I am putting this in the win column. In all seriousness, I’m pretty bummed. Now I’ll be left without Tweets like

And the classics:

Awwww, sorry buddy, still sore about losing your job to a rookie and somebody else nobody’s ever heard of. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do just fine as the #3 WR, and I’m sure you’ll get the money you want when they renegotiate your contract and realize how much they overpaid for your sorry ass in the first place. At least your avatar picture isn’t incredibly gay. Oh, wait.

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If you’ve watched the World Cup at all recently you’re probably wondering, “Where is the giant pile of shit?” Considering the constant buzzing of flies around the stadium I thought there must have been a huge waste hole somewhere nearby, and considering the location, I wouldn’t be too surprised. I was shocked to find out that this ridiculous, overbearing, endless annoyance is actually being produced by the fans… on purpose! They all have a plastic noisemaker named a Vuvuzela horn, which translates to “Instrument of petulance” (I looked it up on Wikipedia, it HAS to be accurate). They are being sold extremely cheap to ensure that every fan in the stadium has the ability to contribute to another’s eventual deafness. They tried to have them banned, being described by some people on the field as sounding like a “heard of elephants.” Some players said they can’t even communicate on the field just a few feet away from each other. Will they be banned? Hell no, manufacturing those things for 20 cents and selling them for $3 is the reason why the rand (South African dollar) was the best-performing currency against the US Dollar a few years back (or maybe that’s an indictment, whatever) – They’re making assloads of money off of them and aren’t dumb enough to stop. People get murdered for their diamonds… MURDERED, do you honestly think they give a shit if some old man is inconvenienced by another blaring fart noises in his ear? Doubt it. The rest of the world pays money to get shit faced, fight each other and yell in order to be annoying. The South Africans make a killing by manufacturing horns that annoy the piss out of everybody. I’ve also read that they are selling ear-plugs marketed as “vuvu-stop”… GENIUS! They took a page out of the American medical playbook – create something to sell that causes a problem, then sell the solution – win/win! (unless you’re the vaccinated kid with autism…then it’s a lose/lose, but enough wet blanket for now)

That'll be 2 bucks

On TV it sounds like a constant barrage of flies, or as if somebody punched a hornets nest the size of Rhode Island. Regardless, it’s an easy way of knowing that you should either change the channel or leave the room. When it sounds like my wife let a family of bees take up residence in our living room, it lets me know that I should just stay in the basement. At the very least the Vuvuzela serves as an excellent source of white noise, contributing further to a televised soccer game’s ability to quickly put me to sleep. The biggest pro for the Vuvuzela horns, in my opinion (always right), is the way they drown out the British commentators. I would rather listen to Paris Hilton fart on a snare drum while trying to explain to me why she’s famous than to hear a British accent for any longer than 30 seconds. However, whenever I think I’m the one who’s annoyed, I remind myself that at least I’m not the guy sitting directly in front of some dickwad with one of those damn things aimed directly at the back of my head.

There are only a few times during which the Vuvuzela horn is permitted to be used. I don’t know all the rules, so this is based off of what I could tell from watching on TV:

Picture’s from the Tosh.0 blog. (Which, If you don’t frequent or watch the show – I question your outlook on life)

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I’ve been noted as saying I am a recent bandwagon Hockey fan. You’re damn right I am, that sport is incredibly exciting, I’m pissed I never watched it before AND my hometown Chicago Blackhawks just won the Stanley Cup – so lick my balls! Unfortunately everything has an antagonist so I was forced to think of those sports that are, well, less than inspiring to have to sit through.

5. Soccer

This one is rough because my wife coaches and has played soccer her whole life so I’m sure I’ll be reproached, but she knows where I stand. It is simply painful to watch on TV, there’s no way around it. People will say “Well you don’t understand soccer, so you won’t like it”. Let me stop you there and respectfully ask you to shut it. I don’t have a damn clue what’s going on in a hockey game, but I can’t peel myself away from the television. Plus I’ve been watching Soccer for a while now because of my wife and I still won’t be caught watching games on TV unless the stakes or high, or it’s in HD. Most games end with very little scoring, gameplay stops constantly, players flop all over the place trying to draw fouls and games ending in a tie is completely normal. The only thing more ridiculous than playing for 90 minutes with nothing to show for it is going home afterwards. The most exciting part of a soccer game is the shootout, but busting your ass all game just to tie is cool too, if you’re a communist. I’m also pretty sure the games are filmed from the Hubble Telescope, they look like ants running around my front lawn. I will watch some of the World Cup, though, because it’s kind of famusing to see teams like Ghana get their asses absolutely pounded. What made this the best of the worst is the fact that when a goal is finally scored, it’s pretty exciting (but that could just be the pent-up anticipation talking). It’s just a damn shame that you have to wait a few weeks to actually see one. There’s a reason why it never became popular here.

4. Baseball

I’m sure you’re surprised to see baseball get such a high mark from me, considering my past, but that should only tell you how truly awful the next 3 on the list are. A 3 hour game with 48 seconds of actual movement makes for a good nap. The standing around, incessant foul balls, drawn out deliberation on every pitch, pick off attempts, lack of contact and non-existent crowd presence is too little to handle and incredibly boring. A “good” batter hits around .300, which means he has a 30% doing his job. A 30% chance of contact from the league’s best batters means there is a 100% chance I’d rather watch monkeys throw shit at the zoo. I’m also pretty sure there’s roughly 876 games in a season, or something ridiculous and unnecessary like that. If you’ve ever been unlucky enough to witness a perfect game, you know first hand that it’s awfully similar to closing a waffle iron on your balls. I watch my neighbor’s kid throw a perfect game every weekend, only they call it “playing catch”. Make steroids mandatory, or blindfold the outfielders to ensure collisions and maybe I’ll tune in. Until then I’ll just watch my neighbor play catch with his son, at least there I’m guaranteed some entertainment when he misses and the baseball drills him directly in the forehead. The only thing keeping this one away from the #1 spot are home runs and the possibility of a collision, which brings me to the next mind eraser on the list.

3. Auto Racing

What’s red, pale and racist all over? Nascar fans! Have you ever seen the crowd at one of these hoedowns? It’s like Wal-Mart threw up all over the seats. The only part of these races worth a damn are the first quarter-mile (which is where drag racing got it right), after that we’re left to watch these guys drive in circles while crossing our fingers hoping for a 10 car wreck. Have you ever heard somebody say, “We’re just going in circles here” ? That means you are engaging in a situation that is senseless, mundane, has no end in sight and needs to be stopped. These guys are literally driving in circles, in some races for 500 laps! Who’s got the strychnine? I can’t even appreciate the cars because they’re all the same, literally. Nascar designed the Car of Tomorrow (COT) then forced it on all racing teams. The biggest race of the year is first, those hillbillies must have had their dictionary upside down when they read about culmination. The drivers are walking advertisements and their cars can only be told apart by their ads. If I want random advertisements to start flying by my screen I’ll frequent copious amount of porn sites and disable my anti-virus. Nascar actually pays teams for not racing. A strategy called a start and park is used, meaning a team who has qualified to race will run one lap then drop out. This allows teams to avoid carrying a pit crew and paying for the pricey sets of tires that wear out during a race. How many highlights on ESPN have you seen that don’t include a crash? Exactly. If the most exciting part of your sport is when they screw up, you might be a redneck. Who’s winning anyway, I can’t tell? Who cares, car #52 is about to spin out and the car behind him looks like he doesn’t give a shit.

2. Long distance cycling/running

First off, any sport that starts with “long distance” should be as far away from a television broadcast as possible. Unless we’re measuring the length or distance of which somebody can throw a midget, I don’t care to watch it. There is nothing appealing about watching Lance Armstrong ride his bike through France in yellow tights while grunting, sweating and throwing dixie cups of water at his own face. I can’t figure out if I’m more shocked that this is put on TV, or that there is commentary on it. There are actually people who get paid to talk about the men riding their bikes as they ride their bikes. If anybody wants to pay me to commentate on a drying wall of paint, I’m available. In cycling, we come across the same criteria as auto racing – if the best part is when they all bite it, chances are it’s not too exciting. I don’t even know how long these wretched things are, all I know is any time I see a front and rear wheel get dangerously close I wait impatiently for the explosion of spandex, bikes and helmets. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a cycling highlight (besides a crash) on ANY sports network. I can imagine how that goes in the sports writer’s pre-show meeting though: “The Tour de France was last week, we can show some highlights from that.” “Was there a wreck?” “No.”You’re fired.”

1. Golf

Atop our list of underwhelming, coma-inducing sports rests the Whore of Bore, the Sultan of Siesta, the Lord of Lethargy, the one and only – Golf. Golf is easily the most boring way to spend any amount of time in front of your TV. Soccer offers some contact (although minimal, and usually over dramatic) as well as the excitement of a goal scored. In baseball there are big hits, fast pitches and the chance hilarious errors. Auto racing and cycling always run the risk of containing some tremendous crash. Golf offers no telegenic value whatsoever. The game is terribly slow, the announcers are usually whispering and the crowd isn’t allowed to make any noise. Even the ball rolls into the hole slow and apathetic. If that doesn’t have “wake me up when I’m dead” written all over it, I’m not sure what does. They smash the shit out of the ball, go find it, then smash the shit out of the ball again. You can’t even see the damn thing on TV, so that means we’re just watching this dumbass swing, then watching him walk after it. There is little to no chance of any error, wreck, crash, contact or explosion to make any of it engaging. The most exciting thing to happen to golf in years was Tiger Woods drilling everything that moved, then nailing 3 people in the crowd. If there is ever any chance or sighting of rain, lightning or thunder an air horn sounds and everything stops. I heard it once and thought, “Yeah! keep that shit up!”. It was easily the most exhilarating thing that happened all day. “The PGA Tour is on this weekend, I’m having people over to watch.” “Ya know what,  I can’t make it. There’s a suicide convention that same day, sorry.”

So there it is, my list of nap time favorites. Now before all you get pissed at me, I want you to look up the word “telegenic” (I made it easy for you). This isn’t a list of sports I hate (well, except for Nascar. I mean seriously, that is just the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen). There are probably some of you who can’t wait to get in the comments section and say some shit like, “hitting a small ball with a bat is the hardest thing to do in any sport”. I’m sure it is, it’s just mind-numbing to watch.

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It seems like there are always new rules popping up all over the country: seat belts must be worn, you can no longer piss on your neighbor’s cat, and worst of all – neighborhoods all over the country are advocating the abolishment of keeping score in organized youth sports! Are you kidding me? I keep running into stories wherein some upper-class, snobby, scared-of-everything suburb wants to protect Johnny Dearest’s feelings in order to keep him interested in whichever sport it is that he sucks at. I might be wrong, but I thought the idea of playing a team sport was to work together as a group to reach a common goal, not to run around like assholes for an hour then head home to watch Spongebob and forget what the hell just happened. It’s absolutely pathetic, and I’m pretty sure that even these penguins keep score.

I’ve read that some fear keeping score makes parents encourage competitiveness at a very young age, which they believe is unhealthy. I guess we’d hate to teach our children to have to earn something, right? We’re probably better off showing them that just so long as you try your hardest you’ll always be a winner, because that’s relative to real life. Give me a break, have them bring that mentality into grade school, and don’t be surprised when they cry over every scolding, bad grade, or negative comment from the kid who just kicked your son’s ass in basketball – and knows it because he kept score in his head. The pussification of todays youth has reached a new level of embarrassment. The other dumbass doctrine out there is that parents want their kids to be well socialized, and somehow believe that keeping score is antithetic. Right, because practice 3 days a week, games every weekend and tournaments every month just spawn isolation. But if they keep losing, we’d hate for the kids to get discouraged and give up on the sport they love so much. Listen, if your kid really likes playing a particular sport, chances are he or she will want to continue playing said sport regardless of whether or not they win or lose, so think about who is really the one getting discouraged here – it’s not Timmy’s fault you blew your knee out, dad. Fact of the matter is, some people will just never be good at certain things. Sometimes a kid just needs to realize that he or she sucks at a certain sport, and that it’s time to either improve or move on to something else so they don’t continue falling over their own uncoordinated feet playing sports their horrible at.

You can’t protect your kids from everything, and most times a good old fashioned ass whooping is just what they need to keep them humble and make sure their noses stay out of the air. Have you ever had to deal with an over-arrogant 10 year-old? Talk to that same kid after he gets his ass handed to him in an 8-1 blowout loss. Organized youth sports are one of the oldest “gimmes” in the book. You’re kids get a babysitter, exercise, a learned skill-set, socialization, team building experience and life lessons all rolled into one; don’t screw it up because you’re too damn lazy to explain to them why they’re awful, or god forbid, teach them how to get better. When little Timmy chokes a girl at school because she doesn’t want to go to homecoming with him, I bet you’ll wish he learned how to deal with failure a little earlier on.

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Just when I thought it was over… The bore of baseball had me on the ropes, and I was one pitcher/catcher stare down away from switching to NFL Network for good. The pitching changes, foul balls, standing around and groundouts were becoming too much to handle when this Phillies fan single-handedly sparked my interest in baseball all over again.

(I gave you this video because all the official sources had advertisements in them… f that)

Now THAT’S what I call excitement! If they can make this happen during every game, baseball will definitely gain one more fan.

I'm gonna git you sucka!

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