Archive for the ‘Random thought’ Category

Ass or crotch?

Posted: May 28, 2010 in Random thought
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It’s the age-old question, one we must ask ourselves every time we shuffle into our seat at a movie theater, airplane or sporting event. Once you’ve purchased your hot dog, beer and #1 foam finger it’s time to get back to your seat. When you arrive, you’ll notice that you’re the last one to get there because you were probably wasting time loading your dog up with condiments that have surely been sneezed and coughed on, idiot.

Whether or not you do it consciously, it definitely happens. You must make a choice on which side of your lower half the seated people will get a clear look at as you shuffle by towards your seat. I believe the way you approach this situation says a lot about who you are, like the toilet paper debate. To turn towards your neighbor and walk through suggests you have no shame. Sitting face-to-junk is unpleasant for anybody, not to mention that if you’re at a sporting event there are probably beverages and food being balanced just above your head. The problem with the crotch approach is that it’s unnatural to bend the way you need to while passing by seated persons, let me explain. Shuffling through while flaunting your priest magnet to those sitting also means that your ass is likely to graze the heads of all those sitting in the row in front of you. Even if you tried to push your pelvis forward to avoid the ass-to-skull slam behind you, you’d just appall the people in front of you that much more. Don’t forget the possibility that they might stand up to let you through, which means you’ll make eye contact with every one of them as you slide by. THAT puts you in an even weirder situation because looking face-to-face with them might force you to feel like have to say “hi” or “whats up”, which is just awkward. This leaves me with what has to be the only acceptable mode of crowded seat entry – the ass approach.

As you can see from the diagram above, this approach allows you to bend at the knees slightly – keeping your crotch away from those in front of you while keeping your ass at a safe distance from the people in back of you. Yes, I agree that neither of these scenarios are ideal, and there is always the possibility of accidentally ripping one onto somebody’s nachos, but that’s the risk you have to take. So the next time you stand before a crowded row and contemplate your entry strategy ask yourself: Give them the trunk, or flaunt your junk? Ass… or crotch?

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I’m sure you’ve heard it, hell, you’ve probably said it more than once. It’s just another one of those phrases that usually leaves me shaking my head or doing a facepalm.

“No offense”, but (insert insult here). Oh, so beginning a sentence with ‘no offense’ means that anything following is in good fun? Well in THAT case, no offense, but you are a tremendous douche bag and I’ve hated you for as long as I can remember. Most days I think about ways I can make your life a living hell. Stings, doesn’t it? Now I’ll highlight a more practical scenario: “No offense, but you cooked these burgers too much.” Oh yeah? Well no offense, but I burned yours on purpose you self-important ass hat. Saying “no offense” before making a statement only accomplishes giving us warning that you’re about to say something that is going to piss us off. If that’s what you’re going for then kudos, jagoff, mission accomplished. If I know that the next words out of your mouth are going to make me want to punch you in the face, there’s a good chance I’m not going to pay much attention to what you say, and instead, just envision what you’d look like with a few teeth missing. If you have something to say then say it. Prefixing your sentence with some blase combination of words like ‘no offense’ just gives me a good gauge on how afraid you are to make your point you spineless piece of shit. No offense, but kiss my ass.

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Sounds like a nursery rhyme doesn’t it? Too bad it’s the furthest thing from. I had to get this one out there because the whole thing is pretty ridiculous. Today Ben Roethlisberger, Superbowl winning quarterback, was given a 6 game suspension for his naughty bathroom antics (if you don’t know the story, pick up a newspaper and crawl out from the rock you’re under). I like the Steelers, and I like Ben but he hardly got what he deserved. This entire situation reeks of drunken bathroom rape with a pay-off to follow, but whatever, that’s not my point.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, handed down the 6 game punishment with a stipulation that if Ben undergoes rehab therapy it can be reduced to 4 games. Rehab for what, being a dirtball? Pardon me if I’m wrong, but I thought the reason for rehab is to rehabilitate a problem. His only issue is that he’s, frankly, kind of a scumbag. What is he supposed to say? “Hi my name is Ben and I like dirty, forceful, bathroom sex, somebody please help me”? His problem is feeling over-entitled and thinking it was somehow OK to have his bodyguards grant girls access to meet him in a bathroom stall like it’s a fucking VIP champagne room. I’ve had enough with all of this rehab bullshit for everything. The way we’re going, I’ll have to be in rehab for my inability to resist passing gas in elevators. You don’t get rehab for rape, you get a prison sentence (unless you’re an NFL star, then you get a 6 week break before returning to your million dollar career). I know he wasn’t convicted, so shut up before you go there. Point is, this isn’t the first time he’s been caught flicking the forbidden bean. I would think a person with million$ of reasons to stay out of trouble would spend a few weekends inside the god damn house. For christ’s sake, he doesn’t need rehab, he needs a little time in a Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. I hear the bathrooms are quite the happening place over there, so he should feel right at home.

"Did she give you permission to have sex with her? Nevermind, say cheese!"

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All I heard about yesterday were these damn Tea Parties everybody was going to. People were taking off of work, skipping school and getting stark raving drunk all day and hanging out in large groups in cities all over the country. I like tea, and I never got an invite so I’m pretty fucking salty over this. I like green tea and chamomile mostly, but my tea horizons are the opposite of broad and this could have been the perfect opportunity for me to spread my wings a bit and sample some of the best. A friend of mine attended the party and seemed to have a great time because he sent me a few pictures from the event. I have to say, after getting a look at what was going on, I’m not sure I like tea nearly as much as these guys do.

Who is spending this much money on tea?!

I'm not sure who Chris Matthews is, but that logo looks familar. Maybe it's a new brand of tea not released yet, for babies apparently.

This poor man looks to be fresh out of jail and, according to his sign, the president stole all of his hamburgers. He's probably looking for a soothing tea to calm himself down.

This kind of tea does not sound appealing

No wonder why they seem so pissed, I wouldn't want to drink this either

I’m kind of glad I didn’t go, this party looks like it sucked anyway.

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So Ricky Martin is officially openly gay…. who gives a shit? Seriously, why is this news? When I read the news I’m a little more interested in whether or not we’ve pissed off somebody else that would like to nuke our asses to smithereens, but I guess that would be too much to ask. Instead we get Ricky Martin’s smiling face and a headline that reads “Ricky Martin says he’s gay!” Shoot me. I beg for the day when I can go to a major news outlet and see a headline like, “If you’re surprised, you’re an idiot – Ricky likes dicky.” It’s concise, engaging and completely accurate. Or maybe a poll – “Ricky Martin: Pitcher or Catcher?” I’d love to meet a Westboro Baptist Church member/Ricky Martin fan (In case you don’t know the Westboro nutjobs – they’re the psychopaths who protest everywhere with the “God Hates Fags” signs).

In all seriousness, I don’t care if he or anybody is straight, gay, bi or likes to cover their self in peanut butter and go to the dog park. What I do care about is that it’s presented in a way that suggests we should all be shocked. You should have known he was gay anyway, I didn’t believe “She Bangs” and you shouldn’t have either. Besides, if this picture wasn’t a dead giveaway – you need to get your gaydar checked.

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In case you are unfamilar, I’ll run a quick catch-up to those who don’t know the story about Minnesota Vikings lineman Kevin Williams. He is very fat, he is a professional football player, he took a supplement that had something in it which was banned by the NFL, NFL tried to suspend him, fat man put up a fight, now fat man is suing the NFL.

This dumb ass now claims that he didn’t know the substance was banned. I’m sorry but if your only job is to play football, make millions of dollars and take care of your body one would think you would pay extra attention to what goes into it. Not to mention the fact that the NFL has a huge list of banned substances that every player has access to. There is absolutely no gray area here. Before an NFL athlete takes any supplement you would think he would run it by somebody just to be on the safe side. But no, fatty couldn’t handle the fact that his usually slender 310 pound frame ballooned to 315 and he needed the quickest way to drop those extra lbs. He turned to the weight loss drug to “help me shed a couple extra pounds, for health reasons, keep the coach off my back”. Yea – because dropping from 315 to 310 is going to be the difference in whether or not you have a heart attack while hauling your kankles up the stairs. Side note: he had to make his “playing weight” to cash in on a $400,000 roster bonus. What that means is that not even $400,000 could tempt this behemoth sloth to drop the snickers bar which is awfully pathetic. When you’re privileged enough to play Football for a living and become filthy rich because of it – you are not allowed to come in a little heavy to camp; and you sure as hell aren’t allowed to make weak ass excuses like “I didn’t know”. I understand he didn’t exactly get through college due to his sharp intellect but come on, how stupid and irresponsible do you have to be? Kevin Williams- you fat, stupid piece of trash – get your colossal ass out of the McDonald’s line and into the weight room – you’re embarrassing yourself.

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I spotted this poor bastard outside of a Liberty Tax establishment in West Allis, WI. I was waiting to get my car worked on, ran across the street for lunch and just had to get a snapshot of the inhumanity – I couldn’t help myself. In my opinion there is something fundamentally wrong with a boss that trots his employees out on the street in ridiculous garb in what must be a failed attempt at securing new business. I witnessed first hand just how successful this guy was… at getting people to honk at him. It was a sad cycle: they would turn the corner, honk, laugh and he would wave back all the while keeping his head down. It is hard to tell from the picture, but he is wearing sunglasses; it wasn’t very sunny out that day so the only viable explanation is that he needed to hide his identity as best he could in an effort to not completely out himself as “that guy in the stupid costume on the corner”. Even his crown is angled down, like a dog’s ears after they’ve been scolded. There is nothing about a disgraced man in a woman’s costume that makes me thing, “Hell – I was going to wait but I’ll get my taxes done right this instant!” I hope one day his slimy boss dresses himself in degradation and paces back and forth while being scoffed at. The only thing that would have made this experience even more unwatchable is if he had a Big Gulp hurled at him from a car window (and I can not say with confidence that this didn’t happen). I’m still not sure if he is holding his hand out to say hello, or trying to hail a cab to get the hell out of there. I feel bad for ya pal, but don’t worry – I’m sure this is the final step before you’re rewarded with that big promotion!

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