Archive for the ‘Headlines that make you want to punch somebody’ Category

This dumbass duo of potheads tried to cash in on the wonders of internet solicitation. Problem is, they were high when they came up with the idea.

Tweedle dee and tweedle dunce were quickly emailed with a trade offer, to an undercover cop. Creative? Sure. Smart? Furthest thing from.

If you thought that was pretty stupid, you won’t believe the kind of shit this Vermont teenager pulled. Nicholas Buckalew, 18, broke into a tomb, opened the casket and sawed off a dead man’s head with the intention of making it into a bong. He then told his friends he did it because “he was bored.” Kids have sure come along way from the apple. Police exercised a search warrant and found the head, hacksaw, crowbar and pieces of the casket. He was going to hide all the evidence, but then he got high.

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Better known as “One of Those Stupid Assholes from Jersey Shore”,  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has found a new way to completely embarrass himself. Adding to the list of things he is terrible at and doomed to failure in, The Situation is going to prove to the world that he not only sucks in general, but now he sucks specifically at rapping too. I, personally, can’t figure out where he found the time to get this done. In between his trips to the gym, tanning bed, ironing board, cat calling women and filming YouTube videos only the brainless give a shit about, he has managed to squeeze in a few minutes to come up with arguably the most awful thing you will ever hear. TMZ first broke a clip of his song which includes incredibly poetic lyrics such as, “Woah, the situation. Woah, woah the mother effing situation. Woah, woah the situation.” Breathtaking. I would expect nothing less from a collaboration with guys named Fatman Scoop, DJ Class, and The Disco Fries. They even put their brilliant minds together to come up with the inventive song title of “The Situation.” Musical masterminds. You can listen to the clip at TMZ here, but I caution you – there is no coming back from that.

Included, but not limited to, in the things I’d rather do than listen to this are: pierce my scrotum with a rusty nail, close my face in a george foreman, watch baseball, be accosted by a priest or listen to Ke$ha. I’m shocked every time a “musician” like Ke$ha or Lady Gaga start selling records, but I shouldn’t be. The bar for good music has been set so low that pretty much any assortment of frequencies including a bass line has every dumbass in the world uniting to pump fists and deny their retardation. It’s gotten so bad that a guy like The Situation just walked into a room with that piece of crap track and other people in the room actually looked at each other and said, “Yes! Let’s all put our names on this so everybody knows that we endorse it!” The collaborative brain function of the average orange-faced Jersey Shore fan is somewhere near that of a half-aborted fetus with downs, but there is no way anybody can think this is good music. I guarantee I’ll be shocked again though when the dickbag actually sells some of these, then thanks god for his achievements – furthering my argument for de-evolution. Stay in the tanning bed and turn it on high, you’ll be doing the world a favor.

This is sign language for "I'm a douchebag"

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I know I’m a little late on this one, lick my ass, I’ve been busy. Besides, I thought it would be good to wait until everybody was sobered up so you can actually comprehend this. I caught this story on Cinco De Mayo about high-school kids who were told to remove their American flag shirts and bandanas or be suspended. “They said we could wear it on any other day,” Daniel Galli said, “but today is sensitive to Mexican-Americans because it’s supposed to be their holiday so we were not allowed to wear it today.” Is this guy kidding? Is this vice-principal so afraid of minorities that he felt the need de-America his school in fear of a revolucion? I suppose during Black History Month we should all have to wear a kufi. Or maybe on St. Patrick’s Day we should not be allowed to stay sober. Forcing somebody to recognize a holiday is almost as bad as bringing kids to church who are too young to think rationally.

Another student said the kids should apologize, and that “We don’t deserve to be get disrespected like that. We wouldn’t do that on the Fourth of July.” I’ll remember that the next time I’m grilling out on the 4th and a car drives by with the Mexican flag strapped to the hood and mariachi music blaring from the system. Forget, for a moment, that this is the United States of America and not Mexico. Also forget for a second that the only apology that should to be made is one to all English-speaking Americans. I can’t even begin to imagine what incredible waste of time and resources are put into forcing us to learn Spanish (I can count the credits I’ve pissed away). When it’s mandatory for immigrants to learn English, I’ll wear a fucking Lucha Libre mask every Cinco de Mayo. I’m pointing out the fact that this Mexican-American student tried to make a connection between Cinco de Mayo and the 4th of July when they have nothing to fucking do with each other! If you don’t even know why “your day” is being celebrated, I’m not going to give a shit either. I’ve found out that most people who celebrate it have no clue as to why, and most Mexicans think Americans are idiotic for doing so, and they’re right.

“Cinco de Mayo” celebrates a Spanish victory over the French, not their independence. We have somehow been tricked into believing that this is the day on which we need to drink margaritas, shake maracas and go to Pepe’s. I would hope a school administrator might know that but I watch the news too often to put trust in pretty much anything. Silly me, where do I get off hoping somebody responsible for the education of children might crack open a history book in between bong hits? Did you know St. Patrick’s day is bullshit too? I’m sorry, but most of what we celebrate are made up Hallmark holidays to get you drunk and dump the change out of your pockets, it’s the American dream. If you need an excuse to drink and have fun, celebrate being American – if there’s one thing we do well in this country it’s clouding our judgement and doing something regrettable.

Shit, what’s that phrase you use after saying something that can be misconstrued as racist?… Oh yeah! “It’s OK, one of my best friends is Mexican.” (ask him! @hotfortacos)

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OOOH! Hot button topic! Quick – furrow your brow and get mad before reading this. If there is anything I’ve learned from politics it’s that nobody ever wins, but EVERYBODY gets pissed off, which generally makes for good TV. Let me preface this by saying that I lean neither right or left, my posture is pretty decent. I also try to stay away from placing myself into predetermined political categories because I prefer to think for myself. What I do love is making fun of politics because it’s just so damn easy. The issue at hand was interesting to me because it has some fundamental idiosyncrasies I felt compelled to bring to light as a layman peering in from the outside. I will never try to pretend like I know my ass from my face when it comes to politics, but I’d like to think I can smell a little trouble brewing in the political arena.

In case you are lagging behind the rest of the country on news or current events I’ll give you a quick, crude, ill-informed run down of what this bill is all about (I’d give you a link, but then I’d be lambasted for whichever “side’s” site I used by people from the other side). The Arizona bill makes it a crime to be in the U.S. illegally (woo!). The bill also gives local law enforcement the right to question anybody on the legality of their citizenship as long as they have “reasonable suspicion” to believe they may be illegal (ahhh crap). They were so close! Listen, it’s hard for me to take sides on this one because I do agree with what they’re trying to do, but I’m worried about how it will be carried out. Usually when cops are given this kind of open, sweeping authority, a video pops up on the internet of some minority getting the living bejesus beaten out of him. As long as they yell “stop resisting” it’s all good, right? In this case we’re saved, though, because the bill points out that racial profiling is not allowed. Haha, yeah OK, so let me get this straight – the point of this bill is to give the authority to question people about their citizenship who look like they might be illegal, but they’re not not allowed to racially profile? That’s like force-feeding somebody ex-lax and telling them not to shit; it’s damn near impossible. What does an illegal alien look like anyway? Hispanic? Native American? How about Polish, Russian, German, Italian or Irish? I’m just sayin’… How the hell is one supposed to be on the lookout for illegal immigrants without profiling, ESP?

Pro·fil·ing [proh-fahy-ling]

-Noun

the use of specific characteristics, as race or age, to make generalizations about a person.

I haven’t been around too long, but I’m pretty well versed in the meaning of “reasonable suspicion.”  It’s a simple way of saying, “We can do whatever we want, and since the letter of the law is subjective- you’ll never win.” I see where they’re coming from, though. The current border control system has failed so hard that Arizona lawmakers felt compelled to take this kind of extreme action in order to prove their point and take control of their state.

Is this too far? Maybe this is too far. Ehhh....

The left wingers will cling to the fact that this violates all of their civil rights, while the right wingers will cling to the fact that they’re not allowed, per the bill, to racially profile – thereby harming nobody. I will, meanwhile, maintain a realistic approach and say that regardless of what the bill says, the fact of the matter is that human beings are carrying out its work. Living , breathing, emotional, biased, opinionated human beings are being asked to maintain a keen eye for those who may be living here illegally… but not to racially profile them in order to make the determination.

Con-tra-dic-tion [kon-truhdik-shuhn]

-Noun

a statement or proposition that contradicts or denies another or itself and is logically incongruous.
direct opposition between things compared; inconsistency.

Give me a break, who do they honestly think is stupid enough to fall for this? Oh wait… I believe there is a document somewhere that reads ‘all men are created equal’. However, if a black man and I were both pulled over for the same offense, I’m willing to bet he is more likely to get the ticket. I think it’s safe to say that the human interpretation element to any written bill, law or reform can not be ignored.

I agree with what they’re getting at, but am at odds with the route they’re taking to get there. I’m all for border control (and frankly, I’m not completely against racially profiling either – because that’s also called being ‘street smart’), I hate dumping my money to pay for illegal immigrants just as much as the next guy. My problem lies in the fact that we are essentially asking law enforcement to racially profile, but forbidding them to racially profile (yes, you read that correctly). I just can’t shake the feeling that this seems an awful lot like a desperate attempt by a group of insecure officials to give authority figures free-reign to do whatever the hell they want in order to make up for an already failing border patrol system. Oh, ya know what – nevermind, I forgot that we’re fixing that too. Our hero is here.

pro·fil·ing

[proh-fahy-ling] Show IPA

–noun the use of specific characteristics, as race or age, to make generalizations about a person, as whether he or she may be engaged in illegal activity

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I didn’t say it, so don’t get mad at me. The whole article is here, but I’ll break it down for you. An Iranian Cleric had some pretty wacky shit to say: “Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi said.” WHAT?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Really?! I mean honestly… is this where we’re at? Is this how far we’ve fallen? At this point, thoughts elude me. When somebody is this far gone and delusional, there isn’t much you can do to bring them back to reality, not even reminding them that seismologists (ya know, earth experts) have warned them for 2 decades that an awful quake like this was coming. But what the hell is science anyway? I’d much rather rely on such air tight logic like, “it was the sluts’ fault”. We already know why earthquakes happen, you stupid, mindless moron! We don’t need to make this kind of shit up! Please, make my brain stop hurting, somebody PLEASE make the incessant, ridiculous, psycho babble stop! I’m sorry, if it seems like I’m screaming it’s because I am. I am slowly working myself into an enraged crying session. If the women who are covered in clothing from head to toe are considered whores and starting earthquakes, then America should be a god damn pile of dust. Here is the best part: “Minister of Welfare and Social Security Sadeq Mahsooli said prayers and pleas for forgiveness were the best ‘formulas to repel earthquakes’.” Excuse me while remove my fist from the computer monitor.

It's all your fault. REPENT!

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First reported by FOX

Didn’t click on it? I probably wouldn’t either, I’m not sure I can be trusted. To make a short story shorter, the police are on the lookout for a man accused of serial crotch grabbing. He lurks on the UCLA campus, waits for women to be distracted on their cell phones and pounces like a fat kid on the last ho-ho, accosting their crotchal region. It is reported that the mad clam spanker has gotten away with 6 walk-by fondles and is still on the loose.

Whatever happened to the “side-boob handshake” or the “slip-by ass graze”? They’re getting bold out there on the west side. Los Angeles police have obtained the following description of the suspect: Hispanic man, between 40 and 60 years old, with a dark complexion and a pot belly. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard from Carlos Mencia in a while…

My money's on Mencia

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"Oh no you di-int"

OK, maybe not – but this is pretty ridiculous. Walmart has been long known to pillage a town and tear them apart small business by small business, but now it seems that one store is taking a swing at civil rights too. This picture was (allegedly) taken at a Louisiana Walmart, and why not, winning the Superbowl gives you the right to do whatever the hell you want. (see: Saints Superbowl celebration). The ‘darker’ dolls are marked as being on sale at $3.00 while the Barbies to the right go for $5.93. I’d like to meet the trailer park hero who had the price gun privileges on this fateful day and take a gander into his barren mind. How does anybody with even the slightest distinction between right and wrong make this decision? I am willing to bet that changing the numbers on that price gun is the most effort this toothless yokel has put into anything since shooting at aid helicopters after hurricane Katrina.

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