iPhone 4: This Changes Everything. Again… Bitch

Posted: June 24, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

The new iPhone 4 goes on sale today, which means groves of people are lined up at electronics stores across the country foaming at the mouth, dry humping each other in frantic anticipation. Have you seen Apple’s tag line? “iPhone 4. This Changes Everything. Again.” The only thing that would make that more insulting to current iPhone users would be to add “…Bitch” at the end of it. It’s like saying, “We’re awesome and you know it, so you’re going to follow us like lemmings. Again.” I’m sure it’s awesome, and I’m sure any ass hat standing in line would be willing to tell me all of the little changes they made to justify spending another $200 and pitching a tent (literally and figuratively) outside of Best Buy, but come on.

They’re touting the video calling feature – no thanks. One of my favorite things to do is make obscene gestures while I talk or, most of the time, not pay any attention at all. If somebody wants to watch me play Madden while nodding my head and replying “uh-huh” to everything, come over, I’ll do the same thing in person.

“Multitasking – give everything your undivided attention.” Except the road, work, school, your significant other or the rest of the world.

“Chemically strengthened engineered glass and a stainless steel band.” I don’t join jousting competitions with my phone or use it for batting practice so I’m good, thanks.

“Gyro + Accelerometer.” I have no idea what this means, but Gyros are delicious. Point: iPhone.

It’s a damn phone, so if you can forget for a moment about how tightly Steve Jobs has you by the balls you’ll realize that standing in line for 6 hours for it is fucking ridiculous. Why do you need to wait in line for it? You are the first to get a new phone, congratulations dipshit. Enjoy all the bugs and glitches, the rest of us will buy one when they fix them and the price goes down. If I need to go to Best Buy for anything today I’m bringing a bat so I can mow down the crowd and take your money like hookers in Grand Theft Auto (cause I know you’re packin’). After you get your iPhone, just be sure to clean the excited mess you made in your pants with the iPad you were raped on a month ago.

stole the picture from @JoelKodner’s blog (awesome, btw)

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  1. Colby says:

    There’s actually a really big flaw in the design of the iPhone 4. there are two areas that receive the phones connection with one on each side of the phone, which are in the same areas as where you hold it. because of this placement, you will lose your connection immediatly and if your lucky, keep one bar.

  2. ann sterzinger says:

    Even if you don’t buy Apple, here comes a cider-scented dick poking out of your PC at you anyway. I was ready to strangle Steve Jobs when idiotunes bought out and shut down the far superior Lala service. BBBBBBAAAAAAsssssTURRRRRDDDDDSSSS!

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