News from the Future: “Kim Jong-Il murders entire North Korean soccer team after loss to Portugal”

Posted: June 22, 2010 in sports, Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6-25-2010

It was a sad day in North Korea as Kim Jong-Il’s pride was beaten to a bloody pulp, so he paid it forward. Monday, North Korea’s World Cup team lost to Portugal 7-0 in a humiliating send off on Soccer’s biggest stage. “Oh, they’re all dead, believe me. It’s not important how they were killed, just know that it was very painful” Jong-Il declared to a terrified press room on Friday. “It makes me look weak, and I can’t have everybody knowing how small my penis is. I’d kill Cristiano Ronaldo too if he wasn’t so damn cute.”

Kim Jong-Il is putting himself in charge of the next World Cup team and says armed guards will surround the field at tryouts. Missed passes, bad shots or goals allowed will result in immediate death “because I fucking can, that’s why”, he said. In a more revealing report, he was overheard saying, “How the hell are we supposed to rule the world when we lose 7-0 in a sport where the average goals scored is 2? This is worse than the days my daughters were born.” He wasn’t asked many more questions, but still occupied about an hour threatening to nuke the media, South Africa, Portugal, anybody associated with FIFA and anybody who ever mentions this game again. He was asked why the team was so ill-prepared and exclaimed, “Your mom was ill-prepared!” then kicked the podium and walked away. It was very awkward, juvenile and disturbing. Additionally, the funeral services will be held “In hell” according to a representative of the Jong-Il administration.

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Comments
  1. Rico Swaff says:

    Hans Brix…. awwwwwnnnnnaaaaaaaaaawwwww. (Team America quote.)

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