What the F#@* is that noise?!

Posted: June 15, 2010 in sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

If you’ve watched the World Cup at all recently you’re probably wondering, “Where is the giant pile of shit?” Considering the constant buzzing of flies around the stadium I thought there must have been a huge waste hole somewhere nearby, and considering the location, I wouldn’t be too surprised. I was shocked to find out that this ridiculous, overbearing, endless annoyance is actually being produced by the fans… on purpose! They all have a plastic noisemaker named a Vuvuzela horn, which translates to “Instrument of petulance” (I looked it up on Wikipedia, it HAS to be accurate). They are being sold extremely cheap to ensure that every fan in the stadium has the ability to contribute to another’s eventual deafness. They tried to have them banned, being described by some people on the field as sounding like a “heard of elephants.” Some players said they can’t even communicate on the field just a few feet away from each other. Will they be banned? Hell no, manufacturing those things for 20 cents and selling them for $3 is the reason why the rand (South African dollar) was the best-performing currency against the US Dollar a few years back (or maybe that’s an indictment, whatever) – They’re making assloads of money off of them and aren’t dumb enough to stop. People get murdered for their diamonds… MURDERED, do you honestly think they give a shit if some old man is inconvenienced by another blaring fart noises in his ear? Doubt it. The rest of the world pays money to get shit faced, fight each other and yell in order to be annoying. The South Africans make a killing by manufacturing horns that annoy the piss out of everybody. I’ve also read that they are selling ear-plugs marketed as “vuvu-stop”… GENIUS! They took a page out of the American medical playbook – create something to sell that causes a problem, then sell the solution – win/win! (unless you’re the vaccinated kid with autism…then it’s a lose/lose, but enough wet blanket for now)

That'll be 2 bucks

On TV it sounds like a constant barrage of flies, or as if somebody punched a hornets nest the size of Rhode Island. Regardless, it’s an easy way of knowing that you should either change the channel or leave the room. When it sounds like my wife let a family of bees take up residence in our living room, it lets me know that I should just stay in the basement. At the very least the Vuvuzela serves as an excellent source of white noise, contributing further to a televised soccer game’s ability to quickly put me to sleep. The biggest pro for the Vuvuzela horns, in my opinion (always right), is the way they drown out the British commentators. I would rather listen to Paris Hilton fart on a snare drum while trying to explain to me why she’s famous than to hear a British accent for any longer than 30 seconds. However, whenever I think I’m the one who’s annoyed, I remind myself that at least I’m not the guy sitting directly in front of some dickwad with one of those damn things aimed directly at the back of my head.

There are only a few times during which the Vuvuzela horn is permitted to be used. I don’t know all the rules, so this is based off of what I could tell from watching on TV:

Picture’s from the Tosh.0 blog. (Which, If you don’t frequent or watch the show – I question your outlook on life)

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Comments
  1. granny1947 says:

    Interesting comment….”and considering the location”….I take it you have been here then?

    • Nick says:

      Oooooo I knew I’d get the world traveler comment. No, I havent and I know it was a reach but I would make the same comment about Mississippi so it’s not the sum, but the part.

  2. Lyndatjie says:

    Ha ha ha ha….. now you know what its been sounding like for us poor South Africans having to listen to that gay duck on crack sound and that supposed airhorn that sounds as if Celine Dion’s nipple is caught in her zip. Oh and lets not forget about Ole ole ole ole ole ole ole ole ole…. all you have to do is repeat the word on a different note and you have yourself a song that everybody can sing at every single soccer match over and over and over again. Eeeekkk…. Gimme my Vuvuzela… I feel a song coming on.

    • Nick says:

      hhahaha! that Celine Dion crack is fucking classic! Also- can you hear that shit from wherever you live? See granny- its called a sense of humor, Lyndatike didnt get all red assed from one comment. I actually felt like I gave S. Africa some credit. Gimme a vuvuzela, I want to join you in song!

      • Lyndatjie says:

        I was right in the middle of that shit last night getting pissed on by the heavens who I think might be objecting to the Vuvuzelas as well. I sat 5th row from the front and blew my Vuvuzela until I farted. (Bloody hard work blowing that damn thing)
        You’ll love granny – she is a hoot… right now she is just sussing out your sense of humour. Wait until she gets going -her one-liners will crack you up completely.

        Watch again on Friday night – I’ll be the one slapping the crap out of the England team with my Vuvuzela because I don’t think my lungs are going to last much longer…. Viva SOCCER!

      • Nick says:

        alright sounds good- ill look for you. For now it seems granny and I will be sussing each other.

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