The 5 least telegenic sports of all time

Posted: June 10, 2010 in sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been noted as saying I am a recent bandwagon Hockey fan. You’re damn right I am, that sport is incredibly exciting, I’m pissed I never watched it before AND my hometown Chicago Blackhawks just won the Stanley Cup – so lick my balls! Unfortunately everything has an antagonist so I was forced to think of those sports that are, well, less than inspiring to have to sit through.

5. Soccer

This one is rough because my wife coaches and has played soccer her whole life so I’m sure I’ll be reproached, but she knows where I stand. It is simply painful to watch on TV, there’s no way around it. People will say “Well you don’t understand soccer, so you won’t like it”. Let me stop you there and respectfully ask you to shut it. I don’t have a damn clue what’s going on in a hockey game, but I can’t peel myself away from the television. Plus I’ve been watching Soccer for a while now because of my wife and I still won’t be caught watching games on TV unless the stakes or high, or it’s in HD. Most games end with very little scoring, gameplay stops constantly, players flop all over the place trying to draw fouls and games ending in a tie is completely normal. The only thing more ridiculous than playing for 90 minutes with nothing to show for it is going home afterwards. The most exciting part of a soccer game is the shootout, but busting your ass all game just to tie is cool too, if you’re a communist. I’m also pretty sure the games are filmed from the Hubble Telescope, they look like ants running around my front lawn. I will watch some of the World Cup, though, because it’s kind of famusing to see teams like Ghana get their asses absolutely pounded. What made this the best of the worst is the fact that when a goal is finally scored, it’s pretty exciting (but that could just be the pent-up anticipation talking). It’s just a damn shame that you have to wait a few weeks to actually see one. There’s a reason why it never became popular here.

4. Baseball

I’m sure you’re surprised to see baseball get such a high mark from me, considering my past, but that should only tell you how truly awful the next 3 on the list are. A 3 hour game with 48 seconds of actual movement makes for a good nap. The standing around, incessant foul balls, drawn out deliberation on every pitch, pick off attempts, lack of contact and non-existent crowd presence is too little to handle and incredibly boring. A “good” batter hits around .300, which means he has a 30% doing his job. A 30% chance of contact from the league’s best batters means there is a 100% chance I’d rather watch monkeys throw shit at the zoo. I’m also pretty sure there’s roughly 876 games in a season, or something ridiculous and unnecessary like that. If you’ve ever been unlucky enough to witness a perfect game, you know first hand that it’s awfully similar to closing a waffle iron on your balls. I watch my neighbor’s kid throw a perfect game every weekend, only they call it “playing catch”. Make steroids mandatory, or blindfold the outfielders to ensure collisions and maybe I’ll tune in. Until then I’ll just watch my neighbor play catch with his son, at least there I’m guaranteed some entertainment when he misses and the baseball drills him directly in the forehead. The only thing keeping this one away from the #1 spot are home runs and the possibility of a collision, which brings me to the next mind eraser on the list.

3. Auto Racing

What’s red, pale and racist all over? Nascar fans! Have you ever seen the crowd at one of these hoedowns? It’s like Wal-Mart threw up all over the seats. The only part of these races worth a damn are the first quarter-mile (which is where drag racing got it right), after that we’re left to watch these guys drive in circles while crossing our fingers hoping for a 10 car wreck. Have you ever heard somebody say, “We’re just going in circles here” ? That means you are engaging in a situation that is senseless, mundane, has no end in sight and needs to be stopped. These guys are literally driving in circles, in some races for 500 laps! Who’s got the strychnine? I can’t even appreciate the cars because they’re all the same, literally. Nascar designed the Car of Tomorrow (COT) then forced it on all racing teams. The biggest race of the year is first, those hillbillies must have had their dictionary upside down when they read about culmination. The drivers are walking advertisements and their cars can only be told apart by their ads. If I want random advertisements to start flying by my screen I’ll frequent copious amount of porn sites and disable my anti-virus. Nascar actually pays teams for not racing. A strategy called a start and park is used, meaning a team who has qualified to race will run one lap then drop out. This allows teams to avoid carrying a pit crew and paying for the pricey sets of tires that wear out during a race. How many highlights on ESPN have you seen that don’t include a crash? Exactly. If the most exciting part of your sport is when they screw up, you might be a redneck. Who’s winning anyway, I can’t tell? Who cares, car #52 is about to spin out and the car behind him looks like he doesn’t give a shit.

2. Long distance cycling/running

First off, any sport that starts with “long distance” should be as far away from a television broadcast as possible. Unless we’re measuring the length or distance of which somebody can throw a midget, I don’t care to watch it. There is nothing appealing about watching Lance Armstrong ride his bike through France in yellow tights while grunting, sweating and throwing dixie cups of water at his own face. I can’t figure out if I’m more shocked that this is put on TV, or that there is commentary on it. There are actually people who get paid to talk about the men riding their bikes as they ride their bikes. If anybody wants to pay me to commentate on a drying wall of paint, I’m available. In cycling, we come across the same criteria as auto racing – if the best part is when they all bite it, chances are it’s not too exciting. I don’t even know how long these wretched things are, all I know is any time I see a front and rear wheel get dangerously close I wait impatiently for the explosion of spandex, bikes and helmets. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a cycling highlight (besides a crash) on ANY sports network. I can imagine how that goes in the sports writer’s pre-show meeting though: “The Tour de France was last week, we can show some highlights from that.” “Was there a wreck?” “No.”You’re fired.”

1. Golf

Atop our list of underwhelming, coma-inducing sports rests the Whore of Bore, the Sultan of Siesta, the Lord of Lethargy, the one and only – Golf. Golf is easily the most boring way to spend any amount of time in front of your TV. Soccer offers some contact (although minimal, and usually over dramatic) as well as the excitement of a goal scored. In baseball there are big hits, fast pitches and the chance hilarious errors. Auto racing and cycling always run the risk of containing some tremendous crash. Golf offers no telegenic value whatsoever. The game is terribly slow, the announcers are usually whispering and the crowd isn’t allowed to make any noise. Even the ball rolls into the hole slow and apathetic. If that doesn’t have “wake me up when I’m dead” written all over it, I’m not sure what does. They smash the shit out of the ball, go find it, then smash the shit out of the ball again. You can’t even see the damn thing on TV, so that means we’re just watching this dumbass swing, then watching him walk after it. There is little to no chance of any error, wreck, crash, contact or explosion to make any of it engaging. The most exciting thing to happen to golf in years was Tiger Woods drilling everything that moved, then nailing 3 people in the crowd. If there is ever any chance or sighting of rain, lightning or thunder an air horn sounds and everything stops. I heard it once and thought, “Yeah! keep that shit up!”. It was easily the most exhilarating thing that happened all day. “The PGA Tour is on this weekend, I’m having people over to watch.” “Ya know what,  I can’t make it. There’s a suicide convention that same day, sorry.”

So there it is, my list of nap time favorites. Now before all you get pissed at me, I want you to look up the word “telegenic” (I made it easy for you). This isn’t a list of sports I hate (well, except for Nascar. I mean seriously, that is just the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen). There are probably some of you who can’t wait to get in the comments section and say some shit like, “hitting a small ball with a bat is the hardest thing to do in any sport”. I’m sure it is, it’s just mind-numbing to watch.

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Comments
  1. D. Gonz says:

    at least soccer is five. 1-4 are spot on. id say curling should get a spot because the first 5 mins are pretty much irrelevant.

    • Nick says:

      Curling has a few hot players, including one who posed topless. So, win. Plus curling is more fun to watch when your drunk than soccer

  2. Colby says:

    How the fick did that bike get so much air? Are the bikes so lightweight that they just float away if the cyclist flies off at a high enough velocity?

  3. Colby says:

    fuck*
    my bad, an iTouch is a bitch to type on.

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