A little greed never hurt anybody. Right, BP?

Posted: June 2, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

As I’m sure you’re all well aware of by now, BP has screwed the pooch. That may be putting it too lightly. BP has dropped the ball on a scale so massive and in a manner so blatantly negligent that it probably even has George W. Bush doing a facepalm. On April 20th, 2010 an explosion aboard the Deepwater Horizon killed 11 people and left an unstoppable surge of oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Tragic, right? Not if you consider the level of dickwad we’re dealing with here.

I will assume you know the basics: BP is evil and the CEO, Tony Hayward (above), is a complete asshat. Agreed? Good. Now lets take a look at the things that severely piss me off. The impetus for writing this post was a headline I read wherein BP was asking for volunteers to help clean up the mess. Really? I mean, really? One of the richest companies in the world had the audacity to ask for help cleaning a mess they created due to their own ignorance and greed. If you’re the altruistic type like me (believe it or not) you’re probably thinking, “What’s so bad about pitching in?” Let me put it to you this way: If you place your hand on a stove knowing full well it’s red hot, I will not help you when your hand is blistered. If you were dumb enough to touch it knowing the risk, you should be forced to handle the aftermath yourself.

Translation: The oil giant selected a cheaper, less reliable method of drilling that provided only a single layer of protection to prevent gas from leaking into the well. This resulted in a build up of gas and the eventual explosion that claimed 11 lives and the oil spill that is still wreaking havoc on marine life. Can you put a cost on human life and unforeseeable future ecological damage? BP can. If they used the more reliable, recommended liner and casing method, it would have taken nearly a week longer for the company to finish the well. Estimated rig costs are $533,000 a day and additional personnel and equipment costs are reported to push the tab to $1 million daily. Aggravating, isn’t it? It gets better. BP was warned, and knew about the risks but referred to it as the “best economic case”. So the next time you go for a swim at your favorite beach and come out looking like a god damn sea monster, at least we can be rest assured knowing BP saved a few bucks.

I worried about the fishermen whose livelihoods are destroyed, but my mind was quickly put at ease when I learned how BP was handling that. The good guys at Big Oil are offering the fishermen no more than $5,000 and the surrendering of their right to sue in exchange for their efforts to help clean up the mess. $5,000 in exchange for the annihilation of my career and jeopardization of my family’s well-being, plus I can’t sue your ass? Excuse me for sounding crass, but lick my balls, BP. I believe absolutely nothing that you say and sure as hell don’t trust anything you’re a part of. I get the same feeling from BP as I do from religion – something just isn’t right and it all smells of striking resemblance to bullshit. Spend some of that money you saved on your lax safety regulations and clean this shit up yourselves. (Although I’m sure it’s tough to allocate money to clean the spill you’re responsible for when you’re already spending more money on the lawyers to protect you because of it)

First their idea was to dump an egregious amount of chemicals into the gulf to help dissipate the oil (because nothing says clean water like oil and chemicals, right?). Next they attempted to stop the leak at the source, but quickly ran out of cool names for the procedures like “Junk Shot” and “Top Kill” (which was essentially just dumping mud and cement into the pipe to block it… yeah, that was the best they came up with) and finally just decided to cut the pipe in half. Sweet, now the oil is spilling into the Gulf at double the rate while they attempt to drop in a siphon on top of the pipe’s opened end. Let me put this in perspective for you: the Exxon Valdez spill, which was over 20 years ago, leaked 11 million gallons of oil. That was over 20 years ago and we’re still dealing with the repercussions of that blunder. It is estimated that the Deepwater Horizon has already leaked over 120 million gallons of oil into the gulf, and hurricane season is a week away. In a few short weeks we will all be able to get oil fresh from the shores of Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. In a few months the oil will work its way through the ocean to depths and shores unknown, serving as a constant reminder that BP sucks at everything besides looking out for themselves. It has become so incredibly obvious that they’d rather pay off their mistakes than try to prevent them, which means it must be cheaper that way. BP has paid $485 million in fines in the U.S. alone in the past five years. They also paid $87.43 million to OSHA in October 2009, the largest fine in OSHA’s history, for the Texas refinery explosion. An additional $50 million went to the Department of Justice for that same explosion. Last month, BP paid $3 million to OSHA for 42 safety violations at an Ohio refinery. The company was also fined $20 million by the Department of Justice for the Alaska Prudhoe Bay spill that violated the Clean Water Act. Ridiculous.

How will this effect marine life? What impact will this have at the gas pump, or on the economy? These are things we will not know for some time, but what I am confident about is that BP is a company full of spineless, deceitful, voracious scumbags. Nothing would make me happier than to see them sued and fined into submission while that piece of garbage Tony Hayward stammers over his words trying to find a way out. Thanks, BP. During a time in which our economy is in the shitter, we’re at war, constantly being threatened by religious nutjob terrorists, Lady Gaga is atop the charts and people like Paris Hilton and Khloe Kardashian are popular, you have given us one more catastrophic thing to worry about; unfortunately it seems like the effects of this mess will stay with us long after Lindsay Lohan takes her last breath into an 8 ball on the bathroom floor. Kiss my ass, BP, I wish nothing but the worst for you.

Love,

Nick

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Comments
  1. Dan says:

    I think I love you . . . in an absolutely non-homosexual way of course . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that. Cheers!

  2. Nicole says:

    Nick, did you write this? If so, you are a fantastic writer and consider journalism as a career choice.

    • Nick says:

      Yeah, the whole site is mine. Thanks so much!! I would love to get into journalism or something similar but I picked my college major when I was 18 yrs old and “Criminology and Law” sounded cool…. hindsight’s 20/20. I’d most likely have to go back to school. Keep reading or subscribe, I also have the fan page too – so all my latest posts go there as well.

  3. Frank says:

    Well said and well written my friend. This whole debacle is a frigging joke especially as I continue to hear BP try and spin this shit faster then Fox News. On another note, I have to admit that I chuckled out loud when I read this. “…unfortunately it seems like the effects of this mess will stay with us long after Lindsay Lohan takes her last breath into an 8 ball on the bathroom floor.”

    http://www.youtube.com/frankiebaby29

    • Nick says:

      Thanks man, yeah this whole think is fucking ridiculous. The Lindsay Lohan thing… I think I should just call it… yeah, I’m calling it – she will die by O.D. There, done.

  4. Ann Sterzinger says:

    When Hayward said there was going to be no problemo, because “the Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean,” I decided to move to the country of Africa, since it’s so very far away from the continent of Texas and shit. Is it possible to swim to the moon?

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