Archive for June, 2010

Milwaukee County Supervisor Peggy West recently made a complete ass of herself at a debate on the boycotting of Arizona Immigration law SB1070.

In case you didn’t catch that – her stupid ass just justified her reason to boycott the law based on the fact that Arizona does not share a border with Mexico (seriously). Pointlessly boycotting a law is bad enough, but you’d think she would have something prepared to say to state her case. Instead she flew by the seat of her pants and was left with them sitting around her ankles. I know the high school graduation rate in Milwaukee is hardly pushing 50%, but god damn, I think even Paris Hilton would know Arizona borders Mexico (probably not, but you get the point). West did try to backtrack later by saying she meant that Texas had a longer border, and thus would have a bigger reception to the fact that there is a problem here. Sorry, Peg, you’re an idiot and now the whole world will know just how unprepared and uneducated you are. Your job was to research this law and boycott it intelligently – you did neither. You can now return to Reading People and watching soap operas, because it seems obvious that’s all your intelligence level allows you to accomplish. Regardless of where you stand on this, I think everybody has to agree that if you are trying to argue for or against something, it might be important to know at least the most basic facts surrounding the cause. The best part – she’s elected, folks. Chosen by the people to make inane, retarded statements to the people.

I wish I could lay waste to this dipshit, I really do, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Somebody has beaten me to the punch, and I feel it imperative to bring to you a beat down of epic proportions. Arizona Senator, Jon Kyl, sent Peggy West a letter explaining to her basic geography. I can not do it any better justice so I’ll give it to you verbatim here.

The Honorable Peggy West
Milwaukee County Board of Supervisors
Milwaukee County Courthouse
901 North 9th Street, RM 201
Milwaukee, WI 53233
Dear Supervisor West:
I understand that, when speaking about Arizona’s new immigration law at a Supervisors’
meeting recently, you said:
“If this was Texas, which is a state that is directly on the border with Mexico, and they
were calling for a measure like this saying that they had a major issue with
undocumented people flooding the borders, I would have to look twice at this. But this is
a state that is a ways removed from the border.”
You will be interested to learn that Arizona does indeed share a border with Mexico. I
have enclosed a map for your convenience.
I hope you will take the time to actually read the Arizona law before formulating an
opinion about it and become familiar with our country’s geography and the challenges that our
border states face.

Included in this public belittlement was a map that Senator Kyl so graciously filled out to illustrate for Ms. West exactly what she should have known since 2nd grade.

Yeah, this actually happened. It makes me feel good to know that other people out there have the balls to say what should be said, and in this case – people with the power to make it heard on a scale as large as this. Senator Jon Kyl – thank you.

Source: TMJ4

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I’m not sure who told Lady Gaga she was attractive, or how we’ve all been tricked to think it’s even a woman but it keeps flaunting around and I’m glad somebody finally called it out. Lady Gaga’s hideous ass was tossed from her seats on the charge of disgusting in public. The report says she was removed for being incredibly drunk, flipping people off, swearing and grabbing her boobs but how is that different from any other Yankee fan? I’m confident that they realized how ugly she was and got rid of her before everybody started throwing up. She then, somehow, made her way to the clubhouse where the shit-show continued. General Manager Brian Cashman found out that she talked her way past security to get there (which means the guards are either retarded or gay) and was furious, banning her from future visits. I’m sure he just feels that the Yankess can’t afford to have players running around covered in STD’s, so it’s best to keep that horrendous slut as far away as possible.

Let me put this into perspective for you – if this was Megan Fox swearing and grabbing herself – she’d be put on the jumbotron. Instead, it’s Lady Gaga, so to protect the minds of all the children and to ensure the men are able to get an erection again – they got her grotesque ass out of there. We need to stop pandering to these assholes. It’s bad enough that there are groups of people out there who actually listen to this shit and buy the CDs, but to let her think she’s attractive too…knock it off or we’ll continue to be subjected to horrible images like this:

Think about the children!!

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The new iPhone 4 goes on sale today, which means groves of people are lined up at electronics stores across the country foaming at the mouth, dry humping each other in frantic anticipation. Have you seen Apple’s tag line? “iPhone 4. This Changes Everything. Again.” The only thing that would make that more insulting to current iPhone users would be to add “…Bitch” at the end of it. It’s like saying, “We’re awesome and you know it, so you’re going to follow us like lemmings. Again.” I’m sure it’s awesome, and I’m sure any ass hat standing in line would be willing to tell me all of the little changes they made to justify spending another $200 and pitching a tent (literally and figuratively) outside of Best Buy, but come on.

They’re touting the video calling feature – no thanks. One of my favorite things to do is make obscene gestures while I talk or, most of the time, not pay any attention at all. If somebody wants to watch me play Madden while nodding my head and replying “uh-huh” to everything, come over, I’ll do the same thing in person.

“Multitasking – give everything your undivided attention.” Except the road, work, school, your significant other or the rest of the world.

“Chemically strengthened engineered glass and a stainless steel band.” I don’t join jousting competitions with my phone or use it for batting practice so I’m good, thanks.

“Gyro + Accelerometer.” I have no idea what this means, but Gyros are delicious. Point: iPhone.

It’s a damn phone, so if you can forget for a moment about how tightly Steve Jobs has you by the balls you’ll realize that standing in line for 6 hours for it is fucking ridiculous. Why do you need to wait in line for it? You are the first to get a new phone, congratulations dipshit. Enjoy all the bugs and glitches, the rest of us will buy one when they fix them and the price goes down. If I need to go to Best Buy for anything today I’m bringing a bat so I can mow down the crowd and take your money like hookers in Grand Theft Auto (cause I know you’re packin’). After you get your iPhone, just be sure to clean the excited mess you made in your pants with the iPad you were raped on a month ago.

stole the picture from @JoelKodner’s blog (awesome, btw)

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6-25-2010

It was a sad day in North Korea as Kim Jong-Il’s pride was beaten to a bloody pulp, so he paid it forward. Monday, North Korea’s World Cup team lost to Portugal 7-0 in a humiliating send off on Soccer’s biggest stage. “Oh, they’re all dead, believe me. It’s not important how they were killed, just know that it was very painful” Jong-Il declared to a terrified press room on Friday. “It makes me look weak, and I can’t have everybody knowing how small my penis is. I’d kill Cristiano Ronaldo too if he wasn’t so damn cute.”

Kim Jong-Il is putting himself in charge of the next World Cup team and says armed guards will surround the field at tryouts. Missed passes, bad shots or goals allowed will result in immediate death “because I fucking can, that’s why”, he said. In a more revealing report, he was overheard saying, “How the hell are we supposed to rule the world when we lose 7-0 in a sport where the average goals scored is 2? This is worse than the days my daughters were born.” He wasn’t asked many more questions, but still occupied about an hour threatening to nuke the media, South Africa, Portugal, anybody associated with FIFA and anybody who ever mentions this game again. He was asked why the team was so ill-prepared and exclaimed, “Your mom was ill-prepared!” then kicked the podium and walked away. It was very awkward, juvenile and disturbing. Additionally, the funeral services will be held “In hell” according to a representative of the Jong-Il administration.

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This dumbass duo of potheads tried to cash in on the wonders of internet solicitation. Problem is, they were high when they came up with the idea.

Tweedle dee and tweedle dunce were quickly emailed with a trade offer, to an undercover cop. Creative? Sure. Smart? Furthest thing from.

If you thought that was pretty stupid, you won’t believe the kind of shit this Vermont teenager pulled. Nicholas Buckalew, 18, broke into a tomb, opened the casket and sawed off a dead man’s head with the intention of making it into a bong. He then told his friends he did it because “he was bored.” Kids have sure come along way from the apple. Police exercised a search warrant and found the head, hacksaw, crowbar and pieces of the casket. He was going to hide all the evidence, but then he got high.

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Bernard Berrian, mediocre NFL wide receiver, recently blocked me from following him on Twitter. I consider it a small feat for every person who’s sick and tired of hearing millionaires complain about stupid shit. Berrian consistently complained about having to pay bills, and about how much he hated it. So I told him that millionaires aren’t allowed to bitch about money. He complained again, so I let him have it again. That’s all it took, he couldn’t handle it and blocked me without ever responding. Even though he never had the balls to say anything back, he took the time to block me so I am putting this in the win column. In all seriousness, I’m pretty bummed. Now I’ll be left without Tweets like

And the classics:

Awwww, sorry buddy, still sore about losing your job to a rookie and somebody else nobody’s ever heard of. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do just fine as the #3 WR, and I’m sure you’ll get the money you want when they renegotiate your contract and realize how much they overpaid for your sorry ass in the first place. At least your avatar picture isn’t incredibly gay. Oh, wait.

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Irony is a son of a bitch. A six-story statue of jesus in the town of Monroe, OH was struck by lightning and burned to the ground a few days ago. Did Jesus forget to clean his room? Was this a cruel form of omnipotent punishment? I searched like crazy to read the explanations from religious nutjobs but became increasingly frustrated when they continued to elude me. It’s funny how when something terrible happens (i.e. September 11th) the delusional masses find ways to exploit those situations into some ecclesiastical “I told you so” lecture (i.e. God is mad, so he allowed September 11th to happen to teach us a lesson). What happens when tragedy strikes their own iconic figure? Nothing. I guess there’s no good explanation for why God would shit where he eats huh? What I DID find, though, were plenty of explanations about how the steel frame was what attracted the lightning strike. So science and reason are admissible for this incident, but not for everything else they believe in? Selective reasoning is also called denial.

Church pastor, Darlene Bishop, said, “It will be back, but this time we are going to try for something fireproof.” What about prayer and holy water, no good? It’s the same reason why some churches have lightning rods on their steeple, and it’s a direct contradiction to their very dogma. Maybe they’re not so confident anymore? Listen, if you’re going to cite scientific fact of electrical conductivity in metal then I don’t think you’re allowed to hypothesize that a magic man created everything from thin air in 7 days with nothing to prove it with. If you’re going to be irrational, be irrational all the time – don’t jump in and out like some drunken moron attempting double-dutch. The damage to the statue and amphitheater is reported to be around $100,000 but it’s cool, when your company’s not taxed and your customers believe everything you tell them, you can make that up pretty quickly.

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