Ass or crotch?

Posted: May 28, 2010 in Random thought
Tags: , , , , , , ,

It’s the age-old question, one we must ask ourselves every time we shuffle into our seat at a movie theater, airplane or sporting event. Once you’ve purchased your hot dog, beer and #1 foam finger it’s time to get back to your seat. When you arrive, you’ll notice that you’re the last one to get there because you were probably wasting time loading your dog up with condiments that have surely been sneezed and coughed on, idiot.

Whether or not you do it consciously, it definitely happens. You must make a choice on which side of your lower half the seated people will get a clear look at as you shuffle by towards your seat. I believe the way you approach this situation says a lot about who you are, like the toilet paper debate. To turn towards your neighbor and walk through suggests you have no shame. Sitting face-to-junk is unpleasant for anybody, not to mention that if you’re at a sporting event there are probably beverages and food being balanced just above your head. The problem with the crotch approach is that it’s unnatural to bend the way you need to while passing by seated persons, let me explain. Shuffling through while flaunting your priest magnet to those sitting also means that your ass is likely to graze the heads of all those sitting in the row in front of you. Even if you tried to push your pelvis forward to avoid the ass-to-skull slam behind you, you’d just appall the people in front of you that much more. Don’t forget the possibility that they might stand up to let you through, which means you’ll make eye contact with every one of them as you slide by. THAT puts you in an even weirder situation because looking face-to-face with them might force you to feel like have to say “hi” or “whats up”, which is just awkward. This leaves me with what has to be the only acceptable mode of crowded seat entry – the ass approach.

As you can see from the diagram above, this approach allows you to bend at the knees slightly – keeping your crotch away from those in front of you while keeping your ass at a safe distance from the people in back of you. Yes, I agree that neither of these scenarios are ideal, and there is always the possibility of accidentally ripping one onto somebody’s nachos, but that’s the risk you have to take. So the next time you stand before a crowded row and contemplate your entry strategy ask yourself: Give them the trunk, or flaunt your junk? Ass… or crotch?

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  1. Bill says:

    Wow, when I saw the title I thought it was going to be a fun game of guessing where a particular offensive smell emanated from, ass or crotch?

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