“Get pregnant, get rich: The Bristol Palin story”

Posted: May 26, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bristol Palin is striving to be just as annoying as her mother, and succeeding. The hypocritical tramp signed with a speaker’s circuit to talk about, who woulda thunk it, teen pregnancy and the importance of abstinence. Yeah, the same person who got pregnant at 18 years old. In case you’re not pissed off already, she is reported to collect anywhere from $15,000 – $30,000 per speech! I’m currently fashioning a noose. I’m almost done, now I just need to find a sturdy spot.

What exactly will people line up around the block to hear her talk about? Her incredible 19 years of experience on this earth? How difficult it is to raise a child with support from your family and more disposable income than 75% of the Country? I would like to see how she ends her speech. “Listen girls, don’t do what I did because you’re all very average, dumb and, most of all, insignificant. My mom made a fool of herself in front of  the whole country so that allows me to get rich from this.” Most people face some rough times after making this kind of mistake. Where is the speaking circuit for Mary from Milwaukee, or Christine from Chicago? I’d be more likely to take advice on the perils of teen pregnancy from somebody who had to drop out of school, lost familial support and worked at McDonald’s – all while raising a child on her own and making it out alive than to listen to some bullshit from an over-privileged, 19-year-old, spoon fed hosebag who will make more money from one speech than an average single teen mother would in a year. Please Bristol, spare us the story of your rough life and keep your advice to yourself – it’s gotten you so far already. Most people have to pay for their poor decisions, but not if you’re the spawn of political mediocre-ness, not in America. Here you can get rich for fucking up just so long as you have an audience dumb enough to listen.

Don’t forget about her Candie’s ad, where they are teaming up to encourage abstinence in an effort to prevent teen pregnancy.

Because nothing says "abstinence" like Britney Spears and Candie's ads

Candie’s preaching abstinence is like Domino’s preaching healthy eating.

In a release from the foundation, Palin said that she feels she can serve as an example to other young women about the consequences of teen pregnancy. Consequences? Are you serious? I’ll take $30,000-per-speech consequences. Bristol Palin doesn’t know the first thing about actual consequences. I’m not sure if I’m more amazed that she’ll be making this kind of money for doing what millions of other, less fortunate, women have been doing for years; or that people still give a shit about what the Palins are doing. As I’m writing this, I found out she will also be acting in ABC’s “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” – a show about the consequences of teen pregnancy. If we want a portrayal of “the American teenager”, why the hell would we follow the story of a rich, falsely entitled slut? Bristol, do us all a favor and stay on your back, we all liked you better that way when we had no idea who the hell you were.

I just put down an entire pizza, anybody want to pay me to speak on the pitfalls of gluttony? I’m a bargain – only $10,000 per speech.

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  1. Ain’t it the truth!!! Thank you for saying what my mind has been screaming for days! Glad to be a new subscriber.

  2. barbsobel says:

    i have a zillion issues with Miss Palin’s speaker’s fee. but i think what made me roar, literally, was her PSA that did everything but say verbatim “parenting is HARD. even for someone so privileged as i. so if i think its hard, it’ll be 10 times worse for you, you poor lower/middle class trash”.

    believe me, i could go on. and on. but i’ll spare you that.

    • Nick says:

      Oh god, I’m glad I didn’t catch that. Reading the text about what she said was painful enough. I envision it sounding like a cross between a Paris Hilton and Tim Tebow interview.

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ora Barbabosa, Katie Brooks. Katie Brooks said: “Get pregnant, get rich: The Bristol Palin story” « Retort Nation http://bit.ly/csNQzt […]

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