Confessions of a cubicle jockey

Posted: May 21, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

If you’ve ever been sat down in front of a computer for 8 hours a day you have undoubtedly been exposed to some of the most mind numbing, inane bullshit one should ever have to handle. I have very little tolerance for the moronic, and when your email address is linked to thousands of others, you’re bound to run into a few half-wit dicktards just begging to let everybody know how close they are to proving Darwin right. One of the clearest examples of pure, unadulterated ineptitude is the chain reaction one person sets off with a dumbass question sent to a distribution list. Depending on the size of your company, this can last a few minutes or a few hours. Whichever way this scenario goes, most times I’d rather hold my eyelids open over a pan of sizzling bacon than to read whatever the next numbnuts has to say. In case you’ve never had the distinct pleasure to watch one of these nonsensical displays of incompetence unfold, I’ll generically outline what it might look like for you (with embellishments).

From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person distribution list
I’m having trouble with the new operating system, I’ve tried everything but can’t seem to execute this function
From: Asshat #2
To: 2000 person dist. list
We are having that problem too, let me know what you find out. Instead of just replying to you, which I obviously should have done, I replied to all because I’m useless
From: Asshat #3
To: 2000 person dist. list
I hate when I have said problem! I get that all the time, UGH! I just restart my computer usually and it goes away because I’m completely retarded (stupid emoticon). I also replied to all because I just want you to see my name on your computer screen and I’ll cut myself at night if I don’t get this kind of attention.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
Stop replying to all! There are like 2000 people on this list
From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person dist. list
Woops, sorry (stupid emoticon)
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
No, you just did it again – you replied to all. This isn’t helping!
From: Asshat #5
To: 2000 person dist. list
Replying to all in order to say “stop replying to all”  is pretty dumb.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
You just did it too, so who’s dumb?
From: Asshat #6
To: 2000 person dist. list
You guys are both dumb for arguing about replying to all by replying to all. Haha, idiots.
From: Asshat #3
To: 2000 person dist. list
Hey guys! In case you forgot about me, I’m still here! Now I’ll say something idiotic again (stupid emoticon)
From: Asshat #7
To: 2000 person dist. list
Hey, Asshat #1, to fix that problem you have to download the file from the main server to install the update – that should fix it.
From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person dist. list
Thanks all, I got what I needed
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
Yes, we know because everybody has replied to all the whole time!
From: Asshat #8
To: 2000 person dist. list
[cliche picture of a man looking frustrated]
From: Asshat #9
To: 2000 person dist. list
[another picture depicting frustration, but I’ll send one so big it will slow down all of your computers – ironically making the situation worse]
From: Asshat #10
To: 2000 person dist. list
This whole thing has been ridiculous, I can’t believe you guys are all replying to all. There are like 2000 people on this list.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
ARE YOU F&#$ING KIDDING ME?!?!
From: Asshat #5
To: 2000 person dist. list
Please take me off of this list

Yeah, they all kind of look like this

The confession? I love these. I absolutely LOVE when this happens. Every time I see a dumb question posed to a distribution list of over 500 people I cross my fingers and hope to high hell that somebody else can’t help themselves but to add on to the heaping pile of verbal diarrhea. It is one of very few things I am able to look forward to on a daily basis while staring at a computer screen, fighting back the headaches and resisting the urge to fill my coffee cup with Everclear.
And on a side note – any time somebody replies “Got it” to an email and misspells it to read “Go Tit”, I giggle like a little girl.

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Comments
  1. Tim says:

    Hilarious. I so remember when this would inevitably happen at work. We would make fun of these people relentlessly.

  2. Jules Manson says:

    I used to work at Northrop Grumman and this happened once. The servers got overloaded and they shut down. That was what eventually stopped this runaway train of asshats emailing each other. This happened because one person, an upper mid-level manager, accidentally sent to all at our facility of a good 5,000 employees.

  3. Jules Manson says:

    Oh yeah, I never reply to these runaway trains. That is basically what you’re supposed to do and it is common sense but many, I think, do it for the attention.

  4. I read this one on my phone so I never got to comment but I was working at my second jog (I do census work at night) and had just encountered a resistance. I practically fell out of my car reading this. I was sitting in my driveway trying to figure out whether to keep going or give up for the day. I kept going. Don’t know why this just put me over the edge and made me want to stand up to the rest of the day.

  5. Shoot! I mean job. Geez. Not illiterate. I promise.

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