Archive for May, 2010

Ass or crotch?

Posted: May 28, 2010 in Random thought
Tags: , , , , , , ,

It’s the age-old question, one we must ask ourselves every time we shuffle into our seat at a movie theater, airplane or sporting event. Once you’ve purchased your hot dog, beer and #1 foam finger it’s time to get back to your seat. When you arrive, you’ll notice that you’re the last one to get there because you were probably wasting time loading your dog up with condiments that have surely been sneezed and coughed on, idiot.

Whether or not you do it consciously, it definitely happens. You must make a choice on which side of your lower half the seated people will get a clear look at as you shuffle by towards your seat. I believe the way you approach this situation says a lot about who you are, like the toilet paper debate. To turn towards your neighbor and walk through suggests you have no shame. Sitting face-to-junk is unpleasant for anybody, not to mention that if you’re at a sporting event there are probably beverages and food being balanced just above your head. The problem with the crotch approach is that it’s unnatural to bend the way you need to while passing by seated persons, let me explain. Shuffling through while flaunting your priest magnet to those sitting also means that your ass is likely to graze the heads of all those sitting in the row in front of you. Even if you tried to push your pelvis forward to avoid the ass-to-skull slam behind you, you’d just appall the people in front of you that much more. Don’t forget the possibility that they might stand up to let you through, which means you’ll make eye contact with every one of them as you slide by. THAT puts you in an even weirder situation because looking face-to-face with them might force you to feel like have to say “hi” or “whats up”, which is just awkward. This leaves me with what has to be the only acceptable mode of crowded seat entry – the ass approach.

As you can see from the diagram above, this approach allows you to bend at the knees slightly – keeping your crotch away from those in front of you while keeping your ass at a safe distance from the people in back of you. Yes, I agree that neither of these scenarios are ideal, and there is always the possibility of accidentally ripping one onto somebody’s nachos, but that’s the risk you have to take. So the next time you stand before a crowded row and contemplate your entry strategy ask yourself: Give them the trunk, or flaunt your junk? Ass… or crotch?


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This sign on Interstate 39 in Stevens Point, WI is easily the most exciting thing the area has ever seen. Reports say that it was hacked, but I am positive is it a ploy to draw some attention to the area besides random one liners in movies including its relation to purgatory.

The sign reads “Danger! High Voltage” by the Detroit-based rock band Electric Six…. Really? Electric Six? That’s the best you could come up with?

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Bristol Palin is striving to be just as annoying as her mother, and succeeding. The hypocritical tramp signed with a speaker’s circuit to talk about, who woulda thunk it, teen pregnancy and the importance of abstinence. Yeah, the same person who got pregnant at 18 years old. In case you’re not pissed off already, she is reported to collect anywhere from $15,000 – $30,000 per speech! I’m currently fashioning a noose. I’m almost done, now I just need to find a sturdy spot.

What exactly will people line up around the block to hear her talk about? Her incredible 19 years of experience on this earth? How difficult it is to raise a child with support from your family and more disposable income than 75% of the Country? I would like to see how she ends her speech. “Listen girls, don’t do what I did because you’re all very average, dumb and, most of all, insignificant. My mom made a fool of herself in front of  the whole country so that allows me to get rich from this.” Most people face some rough times after making this kind of mistake. Where is the speaking circuit for Mary from Milwaukee, or Christine from Chicago? I’d be more likely to take advice on the perils of teen pregnancy from somebody who had to drop out of school, lost familial support and worked at McDonald’s – all while raising a child on her own and making it out alive than to listen to some bullshit from an over-privileged, 19-year-old, spoon fed hosebag who will make more money from one speech than an average single teen mother would in a year. Please Bristol, spare us the story of your rough life and keep your advice to yourself – it’s gotten you so far already. Most people have to pay for their poor decisions, but not if you’re the spawn of political mediocre-ness, not in America. Here you can get rich for fucking up just so long as you have an audience dumb enough to listen.

Don’t forget about her Candie’s ad, where they are teaming up to encourage abstinence in an effort to prevent teen pregnancy.

Because nothing says "abstinence" like Britney Spears and Candie's ads

Candie’s preaching abstinence is like Domino’s preaching healthy eating.

In a release from the foundation, Palin said that she feels she can serve as an example to other young women about the consequences of teen pregnancy. Consequences? Are you serious? I’ll take $30,000-per-speech consequences. Bristol Palin doesn’t know the first thing about actual consequences. I’m not sure if I’m more amazed that she’ll be making this kind of money for doing what millions of other, less fortunate, women have been doing for years; or that people still give a shit about what the Palins are doing. As I’m writing this, I found out she will also be acting in ABC’s “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” – a show about the consequences of teen pregnancy. If we want a portrayal of “the American teenager”, why the hell would we follow the story of a rich, falsely entitled slut? Bristol, do us all a favor and stay on your back, we all liked you better that way when we had no idea who the hell you were.

I just put down an entire pizza, anybody want to pay me to speak on the pitfalls of gluttony? I’m a bargain – only $10,000 per speech.

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If you’ve ever been sat down in front of a computer for 8 hours a day you have undoubtedly been exposed to some of the most mind numbing, inane bullshit one should ever have to handle. I have very little tolerance for the moronic, and when your email address is linked to thousands of others, you’re bound to run into a few half-wit dicktards just begging to let everybody know how close they are to proving Darwin right. One of the clearest examples of pure, unadulterated ineptitude is the chain reaction one person sets off with a dumbass question sent to a distribution list. Depending on the size of your company, this can last a few minutes or a few hours. Whichever way this scenario goes, most times I’d rather hold my eyelids open over a pan of sizzling bacon than to read whatever the next numbnuts has to say. In case you’ve never had the distinct pleasure to watch one of these nonsensical displays of incompetence unfold, I’ll generically outline what it might look like for you (with embellishments).

From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person distribution list
I’m having trouble with the new operating system, I’ve tried everything but can’t seem to execute this function
From: Asshat #2
To: 2000 person dist. list
We are having that problem too, let me know what you find out. Instead of just replying to you, which I obviously should have done, I replied to all because I’m useless
From: Asshat #3
To: 2000 person dist. list
I hate when I have said problem! I get that all the time, UGH! I just restart my computer usually and it goes away because I’m completely retarded (stupid emoticon). I also replied to all because I just want you to see my name on your computer screen and I’ll cut myself at night if I don’t get this kind of attention.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
Stop replying to all! There are like 2000 people on this list
From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person dist. list
Woops, sorry (stupid emoticon)
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
No, you just did it again – you replied to all. This isn’t helping!
From: Asshat #5
To: 2000 person dist. list
Replying to all in order to say “stop replying to all”  is pretty dumb.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
You just did it too, so who’s dumb?
From: Asshat #6
To: 2000 person dist. list
You guys are both dumb for arguing about replying to all by replying to all. Haha, idiots.
From: Asshat #3
To: 2000 person dist. list
Hey guys! In case you forgot about me, I’m still here! Now I’ll say something idiotic again (stupid emoticon)
From: Asshat #7
To: 2000 person dist. list
Hey, Asshat #1, to fix that problem you have to download the file from the main server to install the update – that should fix it.
From: Asshat #1
To: 2000 person dist. list
Thanks all, I got what I needed
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
Yes, we know because everybody has replied to all the whole time!
From: Asshat #8
To: 2000 person dist. list
[cliche picture of a man looking frustrated]
From: Asshat #9
To: 2000 person dist. list
[another picture depicting frustration, but I’ll send one so big it will slow down all of your computers – ironically making the situation worse]
From: Asshat #10
To: 2000 person dist. list
This whole thing has been ridiculous, I can’t believe you guys are all replying to all. There are like 2000 people on this list.
From: Asshat #4
To: 2000 person dist. list
ARE YOU F&#$ING KIDDING ME?!?!
From: Asshat #5
To: 2000 person dist. list
Please take me off of this list

Yeah, they all kind of look like this

The confession? I love these. I absolutely LOVE when this happens. Every time I see a dumb question posed to a distribution list of over 500 people I cross my fingers and hope to high hell that somebody else can’t help themselves but to add on to the heaping pile of verbal diarrhea. It is one of very few things I am able to look forward to on a daily basis while staring at a computer screen, fighting back the headaches and resisting the urge to fill my coffee cup with Everclear.
And on a side note – any time somebody replies “Got it” to an email and misspells it to read “Go Tit”, I giggle like a little girl.

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I’m watching Nightline right now and am being sternly reminded why I normally don’t. Tonight’s episode includes stories about 2 children, 4 and 7 years old, who are both terribly obese (What perfect timing, right after my last post). Anyway, after showing video of these kids jamming pie and cookies into their giant faces while their assbag parents look on and smile, in walks the “expert” on how to alleviate this problem. Here comes Dr. Dickface, touting his PHD in Blatantly Obvious and a certification in Taking your money for teaching you how to do shit you should already know how to do because you’re a fucking adult. The master plan that Dr. Dildo came up with? A traffic light system. Green = good food, Yellow = decent food, Red = the food that made you the way you are now. Wait a minute, do you mean to tell me that all these years I shouldn’t have been eating a breakfast of fried Snickers wrapped in bacon and dipped in lard? Damn it! Why didn’t somebody tell me?! I had the remote cocked back (hehe – “cocked”) and ready to hurl at the TV when the host posed the viewers a question. He said something to the effect of, “How do you teach a 4 year-old how to eat right and correct his/her bad habits?” With clenched fists I screamed, “YOU DON’T! Be a fucking parent and pack them a turkey sandwich instead of their regular triple decker peanut butter and chocolate cake sandwich. Feed them a healthy breakfast, feed them a sensible lunch, and cook them a dinner that won’t leave them wheezing after tying their shoes.

One of the mothers said in her interview, “He got so used to eating mac and cheese for dinner every night because that’s all we ever ate.” At what point did you look across the table as tiny buried his face into the bowl and think, “Gee, this might be a bad idea.” ? You stupid, deserving, jackass – I hope he throws tantrums. I hope that every time he rolls around and kicks his feet while crying for cheese you are reminded of what a complete ass hat you are.

While shaking with rage, Dr. Dumbshit made another appearance with something just as useless and aggravating to say as the host did earlier. “If it’s difficult for an adult to lose weight, how difficult must it be for a child?” It’s not difficult for a child to change their habits because it’s their parents job to do that for them! It’s your job to feed your kids, so chances are if they get a twinkie and a bag of M&Ms for lunch every day they’re going to be massive mounds of motorized cart shit in the very near future. Don’t blame a 4 year-old, and stop thinking that a kid who can barely read should have to start rationally changing their eating habits. You are the enabler, be a god damn parent. The next time Junior McFattyPants waddles in and passes out with powdered sugar all over his face – contemplate buying some celery sticks because you’re ruining his life.

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There’s always something on the news, or somebody writing something somewhere regarding the root of society’s problems. Money is a likely culprit, drugs get a bad rap and poor schooling is always thrown under the bus. Every moron with a laptop or microphone has an opinion but most of them dodge what I feel is the most obvious issue. Main stream media has yet, as far as I’ve noticed, to speak loudly about the fact that if stupid people just stopped having kids – most of the world’s problems would be alleviated.

Who’s out there running up credit card debts, filling our jails, remaining uneducated, getting pregnant in their teens and sticking oxycontin in their fucking noses? Idiots. And where do idiots come from? Older idiots. Every redneck or piece of garbage with working equipment is out there banging anything that moves without taking any precaution ending up with 300 god damn kids they can’t handle and don’t want. Ever hear stories about how mom or dad had to hold down 4 jobs in order to make ends meet? I’m sure it’s tragic but if mom or dad spent more time in class than on their back they wouldn’t have 7 kids they can’t support. From there it’s a ripple effect: can’t support kids? get more jobs; more jobs means you’re never home; never home means your kids are doing whatever they please; crazy kids = frustration; frustration = burnout; burnout = apathy. Apathetic, strung out, uneducated, stressed parents with too many out of control kids they never planned for is a disaster, and unfortunately extremely prevalent in today’s society. Those kids go on to make the same awful decisions their half-wit parents did leaving them uneducated and overwhelmed with 28 kids of their own to raise poorly and not give a shit about. Those idiots spawn more idiots, and so on, and so on… Who ends up taking the brunt of this nonsense? You and I. When Cletus and Gretchen kick the baby factory into high gear, spend their free time ripping bong hits, ignoring their kids and pissing away any money they have – we are the ones who have to pay for that shit. While you and I go to work, the ass hat twins are shitting out more kids, spelling their names incorrectly and passing out with the tourniquet still tied around their arms while they receive a stipend from us enabling them to stay that way. Are there some that might make it? Sure – but I’ve said it before: I. Do. Not. Have. Faith. In. Humanity.

It’s easily preventable though, that’s the worst part. If Dr. Dumbass wore a fucking condom or if Little Miss Shit-for-brains took her pill this would be a non-issue. Then they could waste their lives all by themselves and not drag any future convicts into the picture. If they used their fucking brains they would be able to focus on 2 kids instead of 30, thereby giving their children a fighting chance at life. Every kid comes with their share of problems, and chances are if you only have a few you’ll be able to afford it when something happens. Plenty of competent people have huge families who end up just fine, mainly because their parent’s IQs are at least in double digits.

It’s not uncommon to hear one of these assholes claim that their ignorance of birth control is due to their religious restriction – which makes me want to strangle them to within an inch of their life, then piss in their hair to wake them up. Please don’t try to tell me that your god would rather have 13 kids destined for failure than to have you take a pill to prevent it, because that is absolutely retarded. Anybody that short-sighted and controlling would be tossed from whatever office they held (unless they are figments of insecure imaginations, of course, then they serve terms of infinity).

If you see a cockroach in your house, you will probably call an exterminator. When that exterminator comes over do you think he will try to find and stomp out every single one? No – because that is extremely consumptive of time and resources not to mention incredibly ineffective. He will find the source – the nest, and destroy it.

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I wish I could have been in the room where a round-table of morons got together and thought this would be a great idea.

I guess if you’re going to shit your pants, why not do it in style?

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