I’m trying to like baseball. No, seriously (part 2)

Posted: April 29, 2010 in I'm trying to like baseball. No, Seriously
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We’re a little over a month into the season, and not much has changed. These games still don’t matter as there are roughly 682 left to play, but I could be mistaken. In the second installment of this series I’d like to tackle (yes, pun intended, because football fucking rules) a few things I’ve noticed that lead me to believe even the players know these middle 437 games are worth shit.

First things first, what goes on in the outfield? By my expert eye witness accounts, I noticed a lot of standing around. Like in my first post, while I was watching the batter foul off 12 in a row my attention was diverted to the outfielders. There wasn’t much happening out there, but one of them caught my eye because he was waving his hat around like an idiot. While the batter was jostling his cup, the camera moved in a bit closer to right field. I giggled to myself when, come to find out, he was swatting a fly. I thought about all the money he was making as he adjusted his shades and scratched his ass. I can’t be completely certain, but I’m willing to bet he was falling in and out of sleep behind those sunglasses too. The game was terribly exciting as the crowd was so loud I could hear the vendor yelling, “Big juicy wiener.” That guy deserves a web gem because he was easily the most entertaining part of the game.

Pitching changes: Holy christ, these are fucking brutal. The manager walks his tired, slow ass from the dugout while the relief pitcher makes his way all the way from left field (more on that later). After we wait a few minutes for both parties to reach the mound, they all stand there for a while and talk into their gloves like it’s some big god damn secret. Pssst, I know what they’re saying: Pitcher #1 was throwing the ball but sucked so we need you, pitcher #2, to get in there and throw the ball. Got it? That’s all that needs to be said. Instead they all fucking stand there and talk about god knows what while the announcers struggle to fill the time. They’ll eventually panic and end up reciting some ridiculous statistic telling us that some guy’s batting average in the 6th inning of games during the hours of 1-3pm, between the months of April and May, while trailing by 3, while wearing a throwback uniform, while holding his sunflower seeds on the right side of his mouth, after he’s been laid, when the sun is shining over right field, with 2 men on base and one shoe untied is .286. We need somebody to come in unannounced and yank them off the mound with a shepherd’s staff like in cartoons, that would be much quicker and a hell of a lot more entertaining.

A quick point on my previous note about pitchers walking out to the mound. I’m sure this happens around the league, but my first and only experience was while watching the Brewers (so before all my local brethren get all hot and bothered – cool it, I am equally hateful to all baseball teams). I was watching a game when suddenly AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” came on. Trevor Hoffman, the closer, emerged from the bullpen and walked way all the way to the mound. When I say walked, I mean we had a chance to hear the intro, verse, and guitar solo before this asswipe finally got to his spot. Besides the whole “Hells Bells” thing making no sense and being incredibly corny, the camera was awkwardly fixated on him for his entire stroll. Get to the fucking mound and do your job already, you’re embarrassing yourself. (By the way – after the long, drawn out spectacle, his ass got rocked and he blew the game).

Sweet jorts, and what the hell happened to your sleeves?

April 17th, 2010. I will never forget this date because on this day I was subjected to some of the most inane, aggravating, boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Ubaldo Jimenez, Colorado Rockies pitcher, threw a no hitter while the Cardinals and Mets played a game that went 20 innings. This combination of mind numbing nonsense is the kind of shit that should be reserved for torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. I can hear them now… “What do you mean, a no hitter is awesome!!” Shut up, don’t be fooled, a no hitter is a fancy way to say “you spent $80 on your tickets, $30 on food and$15 on parking to watch 2 guys play catch for 3 hours.” I used to play the no hitter game with my dad on the front lawn and nobody gave a shit. Oh, and that 20 inning game I mentioned ended with a score of 2-1. These fucktards played a professional sport for over 6 hours and barely squeaked out a few runs. 6 hours and 53 minutes of low scoring baseball is the equivalent of placing your balls on a hill of fire ants while having somebody hit you in the face with a meat tenderizer. No thanks. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last, the NFL Network is looking awfully enticing right now.

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  1. Jill Wiles says:

    I just snorted and am pretty sure snot flew out of my nose – listen I LOVE baseball but this post nails it!! I mean seriously… I hate the pitching changes too – but just because it is like a public firing – the poor pitcher is getting fired essentially in front of a gazillion people… no thanks. AND the NFL Network – it plays awesome old school games where they are barely wearing helmets! Love the NFL network!!

  2. Dave says:

    Hey, i know you are trying to watch baseball and be entertained, i dont know if you would be interested in reading a good book about the game, its called “is this a great game or what?” by tim kurkijan, from espn. i love baseball, and this book is showing me another side of the game. just something to help, i hope.

  3. Bill says:

    That Trevor Hoffman poster may be the gayest looking picture of a heterosexual male I’ve ever seen.

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