Watch the NFL Draft? No? Read this anyway

Posted: April 26, 2010 in sports
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

As most of you may or may not know, I like football (the Bears especially) to a level most would consider unhealthy. With that in mind, it shouldn’t be a surprise when I tell you that I watch the NFL Draft so close that I can tell you when I think Mike Mayock is going to fart. Every year I look forward to watching, in large part, because of the interviews. After these kids are drafted, Deion Sanders will walk up to them and ask some general question like, “How do you feel?” I’m usually left laughing my ass off as these guys stammer their way through phrases like “dream come true” and “this feeling is unbelievable” (which ends up sounding like ‘dis felin’ it unbelvable’). When it’s all said and done they’ll thank god, unless it’s Tim Tebow – then he will try to bless you himself while stuttering through generic phrases involving terms like “110%” and “give it my all”. What I’m waiting to see is for somebody to come up to that podium be completely honest, and I don’t think we’re too far away.

Imagine a scenario where a top 10 pick is announced to be drafted by the Detroit Lions. The camera will switch into the green room where they all sit, normally they’re crying, hugging and talking about how many whores and AK 47s $45 million will buy. I, just once, want to see the draftee sitting down with his head in his hands realizing he had just been drafted by one of the worst NFL teams in the league. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to watch him pound his fist on the table, throw a chair across the room, walk to the podium incredibly pissed off then snatch the #1 jersey from the commissioner and not smile for the picture? Now THAT would be some good TV. Then when it comes time for the long anticipated interview, I’d like him to say exactly what he’s thinking.

Deion: How does it feel to know you’ll be playing for the Detroit Lions?

Player: Terrible, I think they went 0-16 2 seasons ago… do you have any idea how bad that is? That’s fucking awful. I played so well in college and got rewarded with having my career ended before it even begins? Fuck that.

Deion: This is an incredible opportunity though, you are going to be playing in the NFL

Player: Yeah whatever, I guess I should have stayed out a little more, drank a lot, killed a stripper or 2 and got a few DUI’s. Then maybe my character issues would have me slip down in the draft so I’d be picked by a team that’s worth a shit like the Patriots or Saints or something. I’d like to thank god for making me so talented that I got stuck in one of the worst places to play football, ever. Thanks for nothing. (walks away, throws jersey to the floor)

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  1. Aaron says:

    Jerry Angelo is a retard. Can you tell me why on God’s green earth he would draft a frickin’ QB?? Giangantic holes on the O-line, no recievers worth a crap and he drafts a fourth QB. Asshole.

    • Nick says:

      I liked the Wright pick, I hear Wootten is a pretty solid talent that fell b/c of injury. But I’m with you on the rest. We need O lineman first and foremost. They better go after Faneca

  2. D. Gonz says:

    absolutely hilarious! i mean, you absolutely do know the draft so well you can predict announcers bowel movements! as for the bears, why would you get chester t. and NOT go after faneca? last season the runners found opponent jerseys in the backfield as much as the blue and orange ones. we need to put some big angry men into our o-line.

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