Don’t be that guy (phone etiquette edition)

Posted: April 21, 2010 in Don't be that guy
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I wasn’t sure if this really qualified for the “Dont be that guy” category, but I make the rules around here, so deal with it. 90% of my day-to-day is spent on the phone, so I come in contact with a lot of terribly aggravating people and have compiled a list of things that, essentially, just piss me off (shocking, I know).

“Woops, Hang on”: If you’re going to ask me for information, be prepared to take that damn information. There are fewer interactions more aggravating than when somebody will ask you, for example, “what’s your callback number?” Then as soon as you begin to say it they interject with, “woops, hang on, I need to grab a pen.” What the fuck do you mean ‘woops’? What in the shit did you just ask me for if you weren’t ready to write it down? What the hell did you expect would happen next, the god damn number would fall out of the phone and onto the paper? You moron, how about the next time you pull some bullshit like that, I’ll wait until you get a pen, then I’ll say my number very quietly to force you to ask me to speak up a few times before I just fart into the phone and hang up. Deal?

Unprepared callback: On a related note, it’s not uncommon for any of us to call somebody for information and have them call us back after they found it. The part of this process that makes me want to take cover in a bell tower is the scenario where nothing gets accomplished but multiple calls are made, let me explain. If I call you for something and you need to call me back once you’ve found it, call me crazy, but I expect you to have it ready. After you’ve found whatever you needed (let’s say an address) and you call me back, it’s normal for me to ask, “What is that address?” If you answer, “Hang on, I have it right here somewhere” I’m going to scream into the receiver before repeatedly smashing my phone off of the desk until it breaks, then I’ll call you back from my cell phone to reiterate what a fucktard you are. What the hell happened from the time you got the address and called me back? What shiny object caught your eye causing you to lose all train of thought? Idiot.

Hlisgnlsbhgdsy: Doesn’t make sense, does it? Well neither does your voice when you call me while you’re fucking eating! Save your lunch for the noon hour, and spare me the awful noises that come sloshing from your jowls after my phone rings. I don’t know what’s worse, listening to you gargle on a mouthful of chicken wings, slurp on your drink, or the fact that I can picture you’re gluttonous ass sitting at your desk with sauce all over your cheeks while you stuff your ugly face. I’ve decided that, from now on, if you insist on calling me with a mouthful of food, I’m going to call you while I’m in the bathroom taking a piss – it echoes pretty good in there. Finish your food before picking up the phone, you disgusting pig.

Stop copying me!: We are not in a romantic comedy movie and we’re not married, so stop finishing my god damn sentences. Want to make sure we have the same info? Read me what you have, or let me read to you what I have. Don’t wait for me to get halfway through then finish the rest, because besides being completely annoying and terribly vain, it really makes me want to hang up, call you back and hang up repeatedly for the next 7 hours. Either that or repeat every word you say, like a 5-year-old would. That would be pretty fucking annoying, wouldn’t it?

Call me right back: If you call me and I just miss it, then call you back seconds later and you don’t answer – I am driving to your house, taking your phone and throwing into the street then running it over with my car repeatedly. What the hell did you do from the time you’ve brought the phone from your ear and placed it back into your pocket? If you just called me, you must be available to answer which only leaves me, by deductive reasoning, with one conclusion: You are an ass bag.

K-I-L-L  M-E: I’m not sure how common this is for everybody else, but it happens to me every day and it’s the reason why I’ll die a terribly angry person. If your grasp on the English language isn’t the best, have somebody else make your phone calls for you because my patience for incoherent, broken, spelled-out sentences is non-existent. Spelling out street and business names is bad enough, but it’s even worse if I can’t even tell which one we’re talking about. A word of advice: if you need to spell out more than one word in a paragraph to make it understandable, you might need a green card and the latest version of Rosetta Stone. Just send me a fucking email, because it’s likely that I’m only seconds away from crumpling some paper near the phone and pretending the call was lost.

Cave man: If, when I pick up the phone, it sounds like you are sitting in the middle of a Cathedral while typing on the computer, receiving a fax, talking to a co-worker, and finishing your lunch – chances are you have me on speaker phone. In case you haven’t figured it out by now, we can’t hear a god damn thing you’re saying. I rip out clumps of my own hair when one of these speaker phone shit heads yells from the other side of the room, “You’ll need to speak up, I can’t hear you.” No, you need to put in the excruciating effort to lift the phone from the hook and place it next to your stupid face so I can make sure you hear what I’m about to say: If you are going to be too lazy to pick up the damn phone, then I’m going to lose all motivation to be of any worth to the conversation. Any question you ask is going to be answered with a random color, bodily function, or some combination of both. For example: (on speaker phone) “Hi Nick, were you able to take care of that for me?” I’ll reply, “Sneezing yellow fart” and hang up. The respect is mutual, dickhead.

I’m sure there plenty more situations that have you yelling insults into your phone, or elaborations on these, so let me hear them!

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Comments
  1. I am always baffled when people who work in an office tell me they need to find a pen and paper. How scarce can these essential office items be? Once I had to wait fifteen minutes for a secretary to find a pen. Of all people that work in an office environment I could not wrap my head around the fact that she had nothing to write on.

    One of my peers has a heavy Russian accent. It drives me crazy when he gives me detail messages on the phone. After two and half years I still have a hard time understanding half the stuff he is saying. I have hinted a few times to email me details so I have a record. He gets flustered with my request and I have no clue how to tell him I have trouble understanding him without sounding like an asshole.

    I have one agent that acts a lot like a needy girlfriend. If he goes straight to voice mail he will called twenty times nonstop. This usually happens on my lunch hour or during a meeting. Instead of giving me an hour or two to get back to him he will call my supervisor. It is a good way to put me in a stink when people do that. My usual response is “Get in line! I have someone that left me twenty more messages then you did in the last freaken hour.”

    This sort of bullshit makes me feel that I am not cut out to work in an office. Or maybe it is time to retire?

    • Nick says:

      I get that shit too, the repeated call while I’m in a meeting or something. If I didn’t answer the first 4 fucking times, what makes you think I’ll answer the 5th? Leave a voice mail and go dig a hole or something. I’ll call you back after I’m done cursing your name.

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