Who ate all the damn muffins?!

Posted: April 19, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , ,

Let me tell ya, chubbin’ aint easy (well actually the gluttonous, sedentary road to becoming fat is very very easy, but whatever). My point is that my rotund stature has allowed me to be a part of situations that usually result in a bit of hilarity at the expense of my pride, but most times it’s too funny for me to care, so I thought I’d share a few.

Family gatherings: These are great times, you get to be with your closest family members and loved ones, relax and catch up on all the latest. I always enjoy holidays, birthdays, etc for the company but also, definitely, for the food. I come from a big Italian family so any get together, for me, is synonymous with insane amounts of over-portioned cuisine. Eventually the meal will be ready and the family will need to be notified. This is where it gets annoying: at some point, others in the room will start to sense that it may be time to eat and one of them will inevitably look at me and say something like, “Nick, is the food ready yet?” What? How the fuck should I know? Oh, I forgot, all fat guys have our brains synced to the oven timer so that when it’s finished we begin to smile uncontrollably and salivate like Pavlov’s dogs. Don’t ask me, because from now on I think I’m going to start giving answers that don’t make any sense. If I’m asked about dinner’s ready time, I’ll be tempted to respond with some random fact like, “90% of house dust consists of dead skin” (look it up). So, ask somebody else. I pay attention to my surroundings just as little as any other guy does, just ask my wife. On a related topic is the fact that on most occasions I seem to be the first person to be made aware that everything is ready. They’ll tell me, as if it’s a secret, to allow me a head start on the competition. Do us both a favor and announce it to everybody at the same time, if I happen to miss dinner it wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to me.

T-shirt distribution: This occasion is rare, but I’ve run into it enough times for it to be mentioned. Have you ever been a part of a rec sports team, annual gathering or other group where everybody gets a t-shirt? I have, and let me tell you, it’s pretty funny. Somebody will enter with the box of shirts and begin passing them out to everybody. This person will look at them one by one and say something like, “What size are you, a large?” or otherwise guess their shirt size, suggesting which one he thinks would fit. Down the line he’ll go, tossing out shirts until getting to me where the question changes to, “What size do you need?” Depending on the person, it can be fun to play games with him at this point. “What size do you think I need?” I heard you ask the anorexic girl if she needed a small, and the average dude if he wanted a large, so why avoid the challenge here? This can be dangerous though, because if this person is afraid to hurt your feelings, you’ll end up looking like this

No, it fits fine. This one's good.

Conference room buffets: I’ve had a few jobs over the years, and every one of them eventually posed a situation in which there was a conference room or kitchen with plates of food in it. This situation is a little different from the family gathering because the food selection is limited, and the tastes are very diverse. Breakfast is a good example here because there is only so much you can do besides donuts, muffins and fruit. First things first, the fat guy can’t be the first person to go in. Besides just being funny, the skinny ones get terrified because as far as they’re concerned – I’m going in there to eat as much as humanly possible, leaving no crumb behind. So even if I wait it out, somebody always comes back with their panties bunched because their favorite flavor of muffin is gone. “Who ate all the damn blueberry muffins?!” Before their eyes can even begin to wander over towards my desk (because I ate them all, of course), it’s customary for me to give a sarcastic response with the sole purpose of pissing them off further. “I did, I knew they were your favorite so I built up my appetite for 3 days in order to have the wherewithal to demolish every last morsel of blueberry muffin just so I can smile as you walk back there to find an empty plate. I am currently staking out your lunch time preferences so I can beat you to your favorite establishment and make sure I eat all of whatever it is you were going to order.” Give me a fucking break, I’ll go to the store and buy you a blueberry muffin so it can be inserted directly into your ass. How come they never look my way when they’re pissed about the fruit being gone? Assholes. I can jump to conclusions to, ya know. The next time there is some extra food left over, I’ll be sure to ask the first skinny little bitch with red knuckles and patches of missing hair I see if she’s going to finish it, then advise her as to where the bathroom is so that she can throw it back up.

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  1. gonz says:

    haha ok this post brought the lols and also a weird mixture of guilt, pity, and a warm fuzzy feeling possibly indicating that i find u adorable

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