I struck out Prince Fielder!

Posted: April 15, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I recently had a conversation with a friend during which we got started on a topic regarding a particularly annoying group of people. I’m sure you have come across one of them sooner or later, and in case you’re not sure, don’t worry, they’re generally easy to spot. Keep an eye out for jean jackets, popped collars, jorts, or anything else that screams “I will do whatever it takes to be cool but only succeed in becoming an enormous d-bag”. It’s not uncommon to have one of these self-important morons lean on their uninspiring, outdated car, tip back an Old Style and tell you about how they, once upon a time,  played against a modern-day professional athlete and came out on top. It turns out my friend actually knows one of these idiots who made a big deal out of doing something like this.

“Ya know…  back in college, I struck out Prince Fielder.” Please, I’m begging you, shut the hell up. Even if I tried to give a shit about some random, useless excuse for you to open your mouth in order to remind yourself of how far you didn’t come, I wouldn’t make it long before eventually passing out and soiling myself. Nobody gives a shit. In fact, I’d rather sit there in silence while one of us makes awkward mouth noises (do-do-do) to pass the time instead of listening to you reference some irrelevant statistic from a sport you played years ago, all of which interests me less than going to the dentist – stick a fucking fork in my eye! I say that with the highest level of sincerity, of course. Besides, you do realize that professional baseball players generally only hit the ball 25% of the time anyway, right? (I’m about to give a qualifier, so hold your breath before yelling “YOU COULDN’T DO IT!”, loser). If you were both collegiate athletes playing at the same time I would hope you at least had a fighting chance at striking somebody out every now and then when spotted a 75% chance to do so and weren’t a complete waste of space. Tell me a story after you knock out Brock Lesnar because I’d love to hear that one, dickhead.

Do you have some good stories about hanging out with Gary Fencik? Cool, I’m all ears. Want to tell me what Joe Thomas was like in school? OK, that’s mildly interesting. However, if you have some war story about your one shining moment on the gridiron where you tackled Barry Sanders, got up and fist pumped wildly after headbutting your teammates… tell somebody else, because I just can not stress enough just how little of a flying fuck I actually give. Opening your pathetic mouth to mentally masturbate about something tons of other people have also done only accomplishes in making you look like the Mayor of douche bag city (which, after recent events, I’m positive is somewhere near the Jersey shore). I know it probably makes you feel really cool, but just continue to do whatever the hell it is that you do, because talking about your retarded, self-loving sports stories only succeeds in embarrassing yourself, and it’s hard to watch.


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  1. BIll says:

    I think your friend’s friend is talking out of his ass, unless he specifies that he was playing American Legion ball or something. Fielder was drafted out of high school in 2002, therefore HE NEVER PLAYED COLLEGE BALL.

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