For the love of god, English please!!!!

Posted: April 12, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , ,

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of calling any large corporation’s support team after you’re computer went to shit, you’ve undoubtedly come into contact with their handy, fluent, easily understandable outsourced staff. Besides sounding like they’re burrowed into a tunnel surviving on their own limbs, I can’t understand a damn word of what they say. Sure, their voice is a bit muffled because the camel holding up the telephone line bent over to get a drink of water, but even if they had a megaphone attached to their face it doesn’t change the fact that English is the furthest dialect from their first language (which I guess shouldn’t phase me, seeing as how half of the people living in the U.S. hardly speak English anyway). The first time I had to call one of these support centers I hung up right away because I thought I accidentally dialed a fucking 7-11.

As if the initial shock of realizing you will accomplish nothing with this call is bad enough, they lie to you right off the bat! “Hello my name is Michael, how can I help you?” Michael? I’m sorry (hardly) but if you’re telling me your name is Michael, then I’m assuming we’re just picking our own names for fun during the conversation. When it comes time for them to ask me my name, I like to make shit up too. “My name is Megatron, Michael, I’m having trouble with my computer.” Then they’ll have the audacity to question your name, “You said your name was Megatron, sir?” You’re god damn right it is, Michael. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come…

After being lied to, questioned hypocritically about your name and slamming your head into the wall for making this phone call, they drag you through a series of maddening preliminary steps to ensure you’re not completely retarded.

-“Is you’re computer plugged in, Megatron?”

-“Go to hell, Michael.”

-“Does the computer turn on, Megatron?”

-“Lick my balls, Michael”

If you’re lucky enough to have made it through these first 2 hours of the conversation it’s possible you’ve been urged to fashion a noose and start tying it to the nearest available I-beam in your house. By this time you will have re-booted your computer a minimum of 6 times, restarted your modem twice, killed the power to your house once and pissed on the keyboard in an attempt to restore function. After repeating every sentence twice, spelling out most words and calling Michael an assortment of colorful racial slurs you’ll find out that this call was pointless as your computer is flooded with copious amounts of porn stored on the hard drive bringing all systems to a screeching halt. Stuttering, stammering,  repeating and sounding out every single word that comes out of his phonetically challenged mouth becomes too much to bear at some point, and we all eventually break.  F as in foxtrot, U as in uniform, C as in Charlie, K as in kilo, Y as in yankee, O as in Oscar U as in uniform. Goodbye, Michael

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  1. Maura says:

    @ some McDonalds the person you talk to when you order isn’t in the US. There is a camera that snaps a picture of you so that the person you give money to/get food from knows who you are. This is my favorite article about it: “McDonalds indicated that most of their drive through order takers are presently minorities already so it is unlikely that customers would notice who was taking their orders.”

    • Nick says:

      holy crap, I just read that article – Ridiculous. I think I would notice if the order taker sounds like Apu and the guy giving me my food looks like T-Payne… but maybe that’s just me.

  2. hah! This made me laugh so hard. Thank you for the early morning Monday laugh.

    Love this post ❤

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