What an ass hat

Posted: April 8, 2010 in sports
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Damn it, I swear I thought I was done with the Tiger Woods posts. (I promise you don’t have to be a sports fan to appreciate the level of douchebaggery contained herein, so please – read on) Right before the Masters tournament, Dr. Shitbag came rolling in with a whole slue of retarded nonsense to rain down on us just when we thought we heard it all.  Billy Payne, raging redneck and Chairman of the Augusta National and Masters opened his inane, righteous mouth and had absolutely nothing of any use to offer anybody.

As expected, ESPN didn’t allow the clip to be shared/embetted, so I have to give you a link.


And just in case the frightened douche bags at ESPN take down the video (which I’m sure is only a matter of time) here is a quick transcript of what Billy Bukakke had to say.

“It’s not simply the degree of his conduct that is so egregious here, it is the fact he disappointed all of us and more importantly our kids and grandkids…Our hero did not live up to the expectations as a role model that we sought for our children…”Is there a way forward? I hope, yes. I think, yes. But certainly his future will never again be measured only by his performance against par, but by the sincerity of his efforts to change… We at Augusta hope and pray that our great champion will begin his new life here tomorrow in a positive, hopeful and constructive manner, but this time, with a significant difference from the past. This year, it will not be just for him, but for all of us who believe in second chances.”

Fuck You. Seriously, who the hell does this guy think he is? Tiger Woods is the reason why millions of people even give a flying shit about watching golf on TV. The next time you hop in your Bentley and pay off the hooker, remember that it’s only possible because of your ‘Great Champion’. This Tiger bullshit has been going on for 5 months and this incestuous hillbilly decides to open his irrelevant mouth 1 day before the biggest tournament in golf? I’m hardly even mentioning the fact that  nothing he said is of any importance or breaking any ground at all. Tiger’s “egregious conduct”? The fact that he ‘disappointed our kids and grandkids’? First of all, if your children are so excited by watching golf on TV to the point that they are actually able to be disappointed, then you need to broaden their horizons a bit. I’d hate to see them watch a program with actual movement on the screen, they’d probably seize. And his “egregious behavior”? The only men who find Tiger’s behavior egregious are the ones talking about it in front of their wives. I’ll say it again, Tiger’s only mistake is that he got married before he was ready. If you can’t take the heat, stay away from the bordello. Billy Payne is so incredibly jealous that he might have to start hitting on his sister again, like the good ol’ days.

Then he hits us with the biggest piece of absolute shit, cop-out excuse in the book when he mentions how Tiger didn’t live up to the expectations as a role model that “WE sought for OUR children”. I’ve been over this before, but WHO IS MAKING SPORTS FIGURES ROLE MODELS FOR THEIR CHILDREN!??! How can this stammering fool generalize that we did anything for our children? I didn’t set any role model expectations for Tiger, did you? If you did, then you are a dickwad and there is no other way around it. Be a role model for your own god damn kids, so when athletes inevitably fuck up it won’t matter and we can keep doing what we always do and be entertained by watching them on television. They are professional athletes, not examples of high moral fortitude, and don’t give me that shit about their celebrity status coming with a higher level of responsibility because that makes me want to start punching infants. They say the old remedy of drinking coffee to sober up is false, and that all you end up with is a wide-awake drunk. Well, in my opinion, the old tale claiming that fame brings upon added role-model responsibility is “egregious”. Giving a smug, irresponsible athlete a contract and tons of money ensures that all you’ll end up with is a rich, smug, irresponsible asshole.

Billy – if your daughter’s knocked up and your son is huffing paint fumes, don’t blame Tiger. Look in the mirror, try not to puke, and remind yourself of the grumbling piece of shit you really are. If you want to say you’re disappointed in Tiger, just do it. Don’t hide behind some 2 bit cliche about role models, because thats your job.

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    • Nick says:

      Thanks for reading! Question for ya – are you much of a sports fan? Sometimes I worry that when I write these ones about sports they fall on deaf ears, but I feel like this was so ridiculous that I had to say something. It’s tough trying to appeal to all of my readers and I don’t remember seeing much about sports on your page (http://izziedarling.wordpress.com/). I liked your “stupid article day” headline, haha – right up my alley.

  1. izziedarling says:

    Thanks back at you! I like baseball sometimes. Father was football player, drafted for pros, ex a scratch golfer, daughters la crosse queens. Would I turn on sports on purpose? Nah. But you are funny and I like to read your stuff. So don’t worry about the deaf ears – it’s the headlines that grab people like me! Carry on!

    • Nick says:

      Alright! well thanks for reading. I used to think I was the only person who found myself funny, then my wife said she thought I was funny – so I’m on a roll.

  2. izziedarling says:

    Whoops – it’s the headline (singular) grammar goof.

  3. D. Gonz says:

    Time to play devils advocate…. SO…. i think hes saying it partly because he has to. i mean yeah he is an ass hat but look who he is catering to: republican WASPs. People like George W who think that if your not christian there is something wrong with you. People who think building a giant, expensive ass wall will save us from the immigrants and therefore save our economy. Some people just cant help but rub their own personal ideologies in your face.

    • Nick says:

      exactly, that’s why it bothers me so much. Just once I want a prominent figure to come out and say, “He was wrong, but I don’t give a shit and you shouldn’t either” We like him because he plays golf. Don’t tell us how OUR kids were disappointed, fucktard.

  4. promajaneck says:

    I think everyone is paying waaaay too much attention to this nonsense. the idea of athletes as role models is continued only by aging baby boomers that loved Mickey Mantle and can’t let go. As our generation takes over athletes will begin to be seen as the assbags that they are, and loved for playing game X well.

    • Nick says:

      Right on, after I saw this guy I thought to myself, “do people still think like this?” In a day in age where athletes have kids by 5 women, become famous for the gambling addictions, dominate girls in bathrooms and Tweet shit talk back n forth what do these old farts expect? I’m sure Mickey Mantle looked like a really good guy back in the day but I’m positive it’s only because they didn’t have TMZ out there to catch him banging some hose bag.

  5. BIll says:

    Driving home yesterday I heard an awesome “Who you crappin’?” directed at Mr. Billy Payne, basically calling him a hypocrite considering that he and the golf club he represents were such great role models that didn’t even allow black people to join their little fraternity until the 1990s, and still don’t allow women to join.

    • Nick says:

      Oh man, that is awesome. I was hoping on hope that some journalist would investigate this guy. I hope the hits keep on coming, I want somebody to hold a press conference to let us know what a scumbag Billy Payne is.

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