(Don’t) Take me out to the ball game

Posted: April 1, 2010 in sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

It’s right around the corner, hidden behind the year’s first sunshine and warm weather. America’s past time is creeping up on us and is just about under way! I can hardly contain my joyous demeanor. The smell of freshly poured beer, the sound of sizzling grills and the chatter of thousands of animated fans. That’s right – tailgate season is only a few days away! The anticipation is killing me. The thought of drinking unmercifully and throwing up one somebody’s car hood is so exciting I could piss my pants! Did you know that some people actually go to the stadium grounds to watch the game? I know! It’s ridiculous. Watching baseball on TV is bad enough – 3 hours of programming and mind-numbing commentary only to accumulate 8 minutes of actual movement. Having to sit through it in person while some dickhead is screaming in your ear and the guy next to you is so close you can feel his chair vibrate when he farts is a fucking nightmare. Have mercy on your soul if you happen to be unlucky enough to attend a game where the pitcher and catcher just throw the ball back and forth for 9 innings. They call this a “perfect game”, but I call it “boring as balls”. The only actual thing to get excited about is the tailgate, because it is there that you get so incredibly hammered that it really doesn’t matter what happens for the next few hours thereafter – you’ll have a great time either way. Don’t get me wrong, there is a small part of me that gets a little excited when baseball season gets near; but there is also a small part of me that gets excited when I can burp for over 10 seconds – so take it for what it’s worth. I don’t need 162 god damn games to let me know who spent the most money. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that throwing cash into something just makes it better…

Do you realize that when a professional baseball player hits in the neighborhood of .300 that it’s considered above average? That means every time this jerkoff comes up to the plate he has a 30% chance of hitting the ball; he does his job 30% of the time and is considered among the best… Well fuck me sideways, I’m in the wrong line of work. I’m sure there are certain nuances of the game that make it exciting for the avid fan but the reality is that those nuances are simply boring as hell and some of the least telegenic garbage of all time. The only other way you can accomplish 30% of your job and still be employed is if you’re a weatherman.

I do have a proposal, however. I can guarantee ticket sales would fly off the charts and people would line up for blocks to gain entry to the spectacle…sounds interesting doesn’t it? Legalize steroids in sports. Hell, make them mandatory. It’s not a coincidence that the Homerun Derby grabs as many viewers as it does. People love to watch guys hit the fucking crap out of the baseball. It’s no secret. Remember when the MLB was tanking and nobody gave 2 shits about baseball? I do, and I also remember what SINGLE HANDEDLY brought it back to life – homeruns. Yeah that’s right – Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa roided up and dominated the record books, making baseball relevant again. “But the cat’s out of the bag now, right, I mean people know about steroids so it wouldn’t matter?” Bullshit. I seem to remember watching Barry Bonds with his giant neck knocking them out of the park every day while being cheered on by thousands. Everybody knew his ass was practically a pin cushion but few actually cared. “He was booed by some though.” Sure, but boos aren’t free either – they paid to get in too. Love him or hate him, people tuned in to see if he would either hit a home run or go on a roid rage rampage killing everybody in the dugout. Both scenarios are fantastic for ratings. I know there is a huge market out there for baseball and plenty of people love it but it’s just not for me. If I want to watch a bunch of guys stand around for a few hours I’ll stay in the parking lot and drink. At least there I can play bags, and my beers aren’t $6 each.

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  1. Sam Chiavola says:

    When I got to the part about “Hell, make em mandatory” I nearly choked drinking my coffee..lol

  2. frank says:

    The Heidi Montag part was spot on! Yea the deal with a guy only being successful 30% of the time while batting and their considered a great hitter is absolutely ridiculous. A valid argument when debating how boring baseball can be. However, I still love baseball (not as much as football). Go Sox!


    • Nick says:

      I find myself rooting for the Sox too. I am a bandwagon baseball fan and I’ll be the first to admit it. I get pumped for opening day/week, then get terribly bored and cycle through failed suicide attempts for the next 120 games then get pumped for the playoffs again. It’s my curse

  3. D. Gonz says:

    that first paragraph was should win you a pulitzer. not that i know what that means… i think people that write get it.

  4. […] day is almost here!!! 3 04 2010 We all know that I like a good tailgate…. But please try to contain your […]

  5. BIll says:

    A Sox fan giving Sammy Sosa credit for something positive? I think that’s one of the signs of the apocalypse, along with a black president and Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar for Best Actress. I’m starting to get really freaked out about all that 2012 crap now…

    • Nick says:

      Sammy Sosa is scared too. Poor guy merely thought of having to learn how to speak English for business now that he’s retired, and he turned pale white as if he saw a ghost!! Oh, he’s just a fucking weirdo? Nevermind…

  6. BIll says:

    What business? I assume business for Sammy is just lying on top of a pile of money surrounded by some hot nasty sluts.

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