Archive for April, 2010

OOOH! Hot button topic! Quick – furrow your brow and get mad before reading this. If there is anything I’ve learned from politics it’s that nobody ever wins, but EVERYBODY gets pissed off, which generally makes for good TV. Let me preface this by saying that I lean neither right or left, my posture is pretty decent. I also try to stay away from placing myself into predetermined political categories because I prefer to think for myself. What I do love is making fun of politics because it’s just so damn easy. The issue at hand was interesting to me because it has some fundamental idiosyncrasies I felt compelled to bring to light as a layman peering in from the outside. I will never try to pretend like I know my ass from my face when it comes to politics, but I’d like to think I can smell a little trouble brewing in the political arena.

In case you are lagging behind the rest of the country on news or current events I’ll give you a quick, crude, ill-informed run down of what this bill is all about (I’d give you a link, but then I’d be lambasted for whichever “side’s” site I used by people from the other side). The Arizona bill makes it a crime to be in the U.S. illegally (woo!). The bill also gives local law enforcement the right to question anybody on the legality of their citizenship as long as they have “reasonable suspicion” to believe they may be illegal (ahhh crap). They were so close! Listen, it’s hard for me to take sides on this one because I do agree with what they’re trying to do, but I’m worried about how it will be carried out. Usually when cops are given this kind of open, sweeping authority, a video pops up on the internet of some minority getting the living bejesus beaten out of him. As long as they yell “stop resisting” it’s all good, right? In this case we’re saved, though, because the bill points out that racial profiling is not allowed. Haha, yeah OK, so let me get this straight – the point of this bill is to give the authority to question people about their citizenship who look like they might be illegal, but they’re not not allowed to racially profile? That’s like force-feeding somebody ex-lax and telling them not to shit; it’s damn near impossible. What does an illegal alien look like anyway? Hispanic? Native American? How about Polish, Russian, German, Italian or Irish? I’m just sayin’… How the hell is one supposed to be on the lookout for illegal immigrants without profiling, ESP?

Pro·fil·ing [proh-fahy-ling]

-Noun

the use of specific characteristics, as race or age, to make generalizations about a person.

I haven’t been around too long, but I’m pretty well versed in the meaning of “reasonable suspicion.”  It’s a simple way of saying, “We can do whatever we want, and since the letter of the law is subjective- you’ll never win.” I see where they’re coming from, though. The current border control system has failed so hard that Arizona lawmakers felt compelled to take this kind of extreme action in order to prove their point and take control of their state.

Is this too far? Maybe this is too far. Ehhh....

The left wingers will cling to the fact that this violates all of their civil rights, while the right wingers will cling to the fact that they’re not allowed, per the bill, to racially profile – thereby harming nobody. I will, meanwhile, maintain a realistic approach and say that regardless of what the bill says, the fact of the matter is that human beings are carrying out its work. Living , breathing, emotional, biased, opinionated human beings are being asked to maintain a keen eye for those who may be living here illegally… but not to racially profile them in order to make the determination.

Con-tra-dic-tion [kon-truhdik-shuhn]

-Noun

a statement or proposition that contradicts or denies another or itself and is logically incongruous.
direct opposition between things compared; inconsistency.

Give me a break, who do they honestly think is stupid enough to fall for this? Oh wait… I believe there is a document somewhere that reads ‘all men are created equal’. However, if a black man and I were both pulled over for the same offense, I’m willing to bet he is more likely to get the ticket. I think it’s safe to say that the human interpretation element to any written bill, law or reform can not be ignored.

I agree with what they’re getting at, but am at odds with the route they’re taking to get there. I’m all for border control (and frankly, I’m not completely against racially profiling either – because that’s also called being ‘street smart’), I hate dumping my money to pay for illegal immigrants just as much as the next guy. My problem lies in the fact that we are essentially asking law enforcement to racially profile, but forbidding them to racially profile (yes, you read that correctly). I just can’t shake the feeling that this seems an awful lot like a desperate attempt by a group of insecure officials to give authority figures free-reign to do whatever the hell they want in order to make up for an already failing border patrol system. Oh, ya know what – nevermind, I forgot that we’re fixing that too. Our hero is here.

pro·fil·ing

[proh-fahy-ling] Show IPA

–noun the use of specific characteristics, as race or age, to make generalizations about a person, as whether he or she may be engaged in illegal activity

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We’re a little over a month into the season, and not much has changed. These games still don’t matter as there are roughly 682 left to play, but I could be mistaken. In the second installment of this series I’d like to tackle (yes, pun intended, because football fucking rules) a few things I’ve noticed that lead me to believe even the players know these middle 437 games are worth shit.

First things first, what goes on in the outfield? By my expert eye witness accounts, I noticed a lot of standing around. Like in my first post, while I was watching the batter foul off 12 in a row my attention was diverted to the outfielders. There wasn’t much happening out there, but one of them caught my eye because he was waving his hat around like an idiot. While the batter was jostling his cup, the camera moved in a bit closer to right field. I giggled to myself when, come to find out, he was swatting a fly. I thought about all the money he was making as he adjusted his shades and scratched his ass. I can’t be completely certain, but I’m willing to bet he was falling in and out of sleep behind those sunglasses too. The game was terribly exciting as the crowd was so loud I could hear the vendor yelling, “Big juicy wiener.” That guy deserves a web gem because he was easily the most entertaining part of the game.

Pitching changes: Holy christ, these are fucking brutal. The manager walks his tired, slow ass from the dugout while the relief pitcher makes his way all the way from left field (more on that later). After we wait a few minutes for both parties to reach the mound, they all stand there for a while and talk into their gloves like it’s some big god damn secret. Pssst, I know what they’re saying: Pitcher #1 was throwing the ball but sucked so we need you, pitcher #2, to get in there and throw the ball. Got it? That’s all that needs to be said. Instead they all fucking stand there and talk about god knows what while the announcers struggle to fill the time. They’ll eventually panic and end up reciting some ridiculous statistic telling us that some guy’s batting average in the 6th inning of games during the hours of 1-3pm, between the months of April and May, while trailing by 3, while wearing a throwback uniform, while holding his sunflower seeds on the right side of his mouth, after he’s been laid, when the sun is shining over right field, with 2 men on base and one shoe untied is .286. We need somebody to come in unannounced and yank them off the mound with a shepherd’s staff like in cartoons, that would be much quicker and a hell of a lot more entertaining.

A quick point on my previous note about pitchers walking out to the mound. I’m sure this happens around the league, but my first and only experience was while watching the Brewers (so before all my local brethren get all hot and bothered – cool it, I am equally hateful to all baseball teams). I was watching a game when suddenly AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” came on. Trevor Hoffman, the closer, emerged from the bullpen and walked way all the way to the mound. When I say walked, I mean we had a chance to hear the intro, verse, and guitar solo before this asswipe finally got to his spot. Besides the whole “Hells Bells” thing making no sense and being incredibly corny, the camera was awkwardly fixated on him for his entire stroll. Get to the fucking mound and do your job already, you’re embarrassing yourself. (By the way – after the long, drawn out spectacle, his ass got rocked and he blew the game).

Sweet jorts, and what the hell happened to your sleeves?

April 17th, 2010. I will never forget this date because on this day I was subjected to some of the most inane, aggravating, boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Ubaldo Jimenez, Colorado Rockies pitcher, threw a no hitter while the Cardinals and Mets played a game that went 20 innings. This combination of mind numbing nonsense is the kind of shit that should be reserved for torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. I can hear them now… “What do you mean, a no hitter is awesome!!” Shut up, don’t be fooled, a no hitter is a fancy way to say “you spent $80 on your tickets, $30 on food and$15 on parking to watch 2 guys play catch for 3 hours.” I used to play the no hitter game with my dad on the front lawn and nobody gave a shit. Oh, and that 20 inning game I mentioned ended with a score of 2-1. These fucktards played a professional sport for over 6 hours and barely squeaked out a few runs. 6 hours and 53 minutes of low scoring baseball is the equivalent of placing your balls on a hill of fire ants while having somebody hit you in the face with a meat tenderizer. No thanks. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last, the NFL Network is looking awfully enticing right now.

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I was left a comment on my last post that had me a little suspicious.

Suspicion confirmed.

I’m all for healthy debate, but you’ll need to stop hiding behind fake email addresses in order to back yourself up.

[EDIT] Forgot to point out that the fake email he left was “yourmom@yahoo.com”…. I remember grade school too.

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I know their is a large number of people out there who honestly believe that any blotch or random splattering of paint is art, so this might offend a few. However, I can not reiterate enough the level of not giving a shit I have reached, it’s historic, and a bit alarming. I’ve heard people talk about this nonsense for too long, and in a sleepy stupor I stumbled across some late night TV in which they were discussing some “art” pieces. I heard words like “passion” and “angst” used to describe the process of making said “art”. They went on to mention how each piece “spoke to them” and expressed its individuality. After listening to these babbling boneheads for 15 minutes I reached my breaking point. I can’t be certain what happened but when my black out ended I was outside, naked and covered in grass stains and lacerations. I can’t take it anymore. Listen, it’s not art. I know that’s tough to hear, but I will never believe that blasting Alanis Morrissette and throwing cans of paint into a canvas while crying and screaming is art. If you Google image search “abstract art” and “spilled coffee or paint” the results are identical.

His eyes are crooked, he looks to have 3 mouths but no hands to hold the trumpets, the bass is sitting unplayed in the background and I’m pretty sure he’s wearing a party hat. If this is art, then I was a fucking prodigy at age 4.

Does this one speak to you? Does it scream of anger, passion or angst? It speaks to me. It says “I’m a nosebleed”. Sometimes it says “I’m a dropped can of paint” but I can’t be certain. If it looks like a used tampon thrown against a wall, it’s not art, it’ a mess.

Another interesting piece. To some, this one may seem like a good use of various brush strokes and interesting shapes. To me, it looks like somebody needs to buy a new cup of coffee, and perhaps, change their pants.

Look, I’m not trying to offend anybody (I couldn’t even type that with a straight face) but this shit has gone on long enough. I can’t wait to have kids because I’ll be rich after throwing their diapers off the wall and taking pictures of it. If I can’t tell whether or not a 3rd grader or some snobby, self-inflated douche made it – it will always be a ‘doodle’ in my book.

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He’s back again, and still I can not believe that this actually exists. I am still struggling with the fact that I watched this and it was a real event. And yes, the random dancing people are back too.

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Slap chop rap. Seriously

Posted: April 26, 2010 in Videos
Tags: , , , , , ,

I wouldn’t believe it but I saw it for myself on TV. I still can’t believe this is actually a real thing.

…WTF?

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As most of you may or may not know, I like football (the Bears especially) to a level most would consider unhealthy. With that in mind, it shouldn’t be a surprise when I tell you that I watch the NFL Draft so close that I can tell you when I think Mike Mayock is going to fart. Every year I look forward to watching, in large part, because of the interviews. After these kids are drafted, Deion Sanders will walk up to them and ask some general question like, “How do you feel?” I’m usually left laughing my ass off as these guys stammer their way through phrases like “dream come true” and “this feeling is unbelievable” (which ends up sounding like ‘dis felin’ it unbelvable’). When it’s all said and done they’ll thank god, unless it’s Tim Tebow – then he will try to bless you himself while stuttering through generic phrases involving terms like “110%” and “give it my all”. What I’m waiting to see is for somebody to come up to that podium be completely honest, and I don’t think we’re too far away.

Imagine a scenario where a top 10 pick is announced to be drafted by the Detroit Lions. The camera will switch into the green room where they all sit, normally they’re crying, hugging and talking about how many whores and AK 47s $45 million will buy. I, just once, want to see the draftee sitting down with his head in his hands realizing he had just been drafted by one of the worst NFL teams in the league. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to watch him pound his fist on the table, throw a chair across the room, walk to the podium incredibly pissed off then snatch the #1 jersey from the commissioner and not smile for the picture? Now THAT would be some good TV. Then when it comes time for the long anticipated interview, I’d like him to say exactly what he’s thinking.

Deion: How does it feel to know you’ll be playing for the Detroit Lions?

Player: Terrible, I think they went 0-16 2 seasons ago… do you have any idea how bad that is? That’s fucking awful. I played so well in college and got rewarded with having my career ended before it even begins? Fuck that.

Deion: This is an incredible opportunity though, you are going to be playing in the NFL

Player: Yeah whatever, I guess I should have stayed out a little more, drank a lot, killed a stripper or 2 and got a few DUI’s. Then maybe my character issues would have me slip down in the draft so I’d be picked by a team that’s worth a shit like the Patriots or Saints or something. I’d like to thank god for making me so talented that I got stuck in one of the worst places to play football, ever. Thanks for nothing. (walks away, throws jersey to the floor)

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