Interpretation of a shopping list

Posted: March 31, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , ,

I’ve been sent to the grocery store enough times to know the drill, yet every time I get home I seem to have messed it up royally. It would seem that sometime in between being told the shopping list and walking to the car I absolutely forget everything and go rogue. From that point on I’m on my own, so let me caution all of the wives and girlfriends out there: we nod our head only to end the conversation. It’s nothing personal, there is just a limited amount of space up there seeing as how we’ve filled it with witty insults and sports facts ready to be launched at a moment’s notice. I’m afraid that if I keep filling my brain with more tasks they’ll eventually push out Walter Payton’s all time career combined net yards (21,803), and that is not a risk I am willing to take. Shopping list? Please – it’s like a receipt, as soon as any small piece of paper (receipt, post-it, traffic ticket)  is put in my hand I crumple it up and toss it on the ground. IT’S NOT MY FAULT! I have just been conditioned to do that, hell, most of the time I make a game out of it. Ever see how small you can crumple one of those? I would kick your ass at that!

Skim milk you say? How about a 4 pack of Monster instead. Lunch meat, wheat bread and mayonnaise? I’m getting a frozen pizza and calling it a day. You want me to go to the bakery section and ask for a special assortment of… that one never even had a chance, I’m most likely coming home with a donut. I will also not be held responsible for buying random shit either. Putting me in a big place like that surrounded by dozens of identical items with different brand names at different prices and bargain deals is destined to make me panic. Instead of getting paper towels I might end up with an issue of Guitar World Magazine, sue me, they’re both paper products – it’s an easy mistake. have you ever been in a cereal aisle? Holy shit – it’s dizzying. Generally everything goes blurry, I black out, then wake up at the checkout line with 26 boxes of Lucky Charms in my cart.

Don’t even get me started on the checkout line. If I end up with Kit-Kats, Now-n-Laters, and the latest issue of Quick and Easy Recipes, it’s only because I’ve spent the past 40 minutes standing behind Mildrid as she disputes the sale price on her Depends then fails to locate her checkbook. So I’ve come home with Monster, a pizza, donuts, candy and magazines… so what? Milk, bread and lunch meat are overrated. This is you’re fault anyway. If you really wanted us to remember the shopping list – you would buy an advertising slot during televised sporting events… or write it down on your chest.

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Nick. Nick said: Interpretation of a shopping list: […]

  2. Tim says:

    Write it on your chest…brilliant!! I’ll have to clue my wife in on that one.

    • Fatchops says:

      haha. I don’t mean to sound crass (lies) but I’m pretty sure it would be effective. Or maybe instead of those stupid phrases on the butt of pants (“juicy”) it should read “Get bread”.

  3. BIll says:

    This one’s going up on the fridge. Maybe then I’ll be able to buy myself some forgiveness for forgetting to buy Smart Balance & Maria’s contact lens solution.

    • Fatchops says:

      oh hell, specific brands like that never even get a fair shake. Once they reach my ear canal I lock up and start singing the Superbowl Shuffle… it’s the damndest thing…

  4. lifo9 says:

    Haha, that was awesome and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Mind if I print this out and post it on my fridge? It will be my little disclaimer the next time the wife asks me to run to the store.

    • Fatchops says:

      definitely. We all need a little help leveling the playing field, and since we can’t all hire one of those fast talking disclaimer guys I think this should suffice. (it would be funny to be followed by one of those guys though…after getting instructions from your wife, he can jump in and say very quickly, “Your husband may or may not have understood or comprehended everything you just said, he is not liable for any mistakes had later on”) … just a thought

      • lifo9 says:

        hahaha….Somebody should definitely make that apart of a comedic skit. Maybe I’ll look into hiring a guy to do that for me. Come to think of it, I have a few friends who would do it for free.

  5. breezehbree says:

    haha I do that to my mom, too. Seee? Girls do it, too! >.> Overly specific shopping lists should be shopped by those who need the shopping done. Anyone else is likely to wonder “what…”, followed by, “well…I guess this is good enough” and then to have “…hey that looks cool, too” added on top. >D

  6. izziedarling says:

    Oh my, I’d never send the Man to the grocery store unless I was dying. Each time we walk into any store, he goes all ADD on me and I have to track him with my cell in order to leave.

    • Nick says:

      This is a known defect in the male gender. The ADD is usually accompanied by hissy fits, compulsive drumming on their thighs, and occasional crying. Worst case scenario – if there is a video game or stuffed animal game nearby, don’t fret, there is a good chance we can be found there.

  7. Add “snapshots” to your list, OK?

    • Nick says:

      To my list of what? You’re awfully demanding for having never talked to me before. If you did have a conversation with me I must have forgotten so I am sorry, but if you read this post you commented on you would know why.

  8. darthbergen says:

    First off, I do the shopping and come up with the list, and sometimes I just make up the list as I go (what? I’m sure that _____ was on the list). Secondly, you could never write the list on my chest, or maybe you’d have to shave it first (which is not going to happen). Thirdly, your response above is awesome.

    Thanks for the laughs.

    • Nick says:

      hahaha. I know right? the balls on this guy… I haven’t been blogging too long but I’ve figured out that one way to gain readers is to comment with a purpose and say something not totally worthless…
      I also got a chance to look at your site and that is some good stuff on there! I’ll be stopping in often

  9. Lakia says:

    lol don’t you just hate standing in line when the person in front of you is disputing something?? Or, if they thought the price was one thing and then it rings up another price lol then they have to stop and go search for the item… this really sucks lol

    • Nick says:

      and it’s always over some sale price which would result in a reduction of roughly 2 bucks. Most times I debate giving them 2 dollars just to get the hell out of my way.

  10. Slamdunk says:

    Great post. My situation is usually complicated by having little ones badgering me for ice cream or cookies as I try to recall what was on the “list.”

    • Nick says:

      Oh man! I didn’t even take into account distractions. Holy hell… commendable effort, but nobody should expect to get what they asked for when having to deal with that.

  11. stocktoc says:

    I swear, my shopping lists always end up taking several pages when I have to write them out for my husband. Including details like “with the green label, NOT the blue one”. I’ll give him this, though. He’s actually pretty good at following instructions as long as they’re written down on the list. So when he’s done daydreaming in the store, he can get back to the task at hand.

    • Nick says:

      Oh christ, I wouldn’t even be able to read the list because my tear drops would smear the ink. It would be like reading a book that sucks after only the first few lines… I would stop reading, page through for the pictures and use my imagination.

  12. kkellehe says:

    minor adjustments that work in your favor never hurt anybody.

  13. Moranna says:

    Oh that was good – had a real rib hurting cackle!! But nits a brave wife that lets her husband go shopping alone in the first place! and as to taking him with you wuen you shop…NEVER!!!

    • Nick says:

      I’m glad you liked it! I think she feels as if I have it in me to make a successful grocery store run…. bless her heart. And she always asks for me to go to the grocery store with her but I usually end up pissing her off somehow. Maybe one of these days…

  14. mediaalive says:

    Absolutely brilliant

  15. LOLmerrill says:

    I feel like I always walk in motivated and purposeful… and then there are running children and screaming infants and huge people in those slow motorized carts and a spill on isle 5 and horrific elevator music or else bad 90s soft rock playing and I just need to escape! I usually toss a few bottles of wine in the cart and call it a day.

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