My wife and dog are trying to kill me

Posted: March 23, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The day began as any other, and as I sat up in bed on this Saturday morning my phone began to dance on the nightstand as Pantera’s “Walk” rang through its speaker. My wife was at work and she was calling to ensure my morning wouldn’t consist solely of Xbox and Facebook. She rattled off a few tasks, I struggled to retain them and stumbled over to the coffee maker. I didn’t make it too far before I tripped on a conveniently placed shoe hidden underneath her sweatshirt. After peeling my face from the floor I made my way to the bathroom. Upon exiting I heard a loud ‘squeak’ as I slipped on the dog’s tennis ball that laid right outside the door giving me, yet again, another face plant – this time into the hallway wall. Frustrated, embarrassed and banged up I shook it off and forged ahead. 2 steps into the kitchen and there I was – bumbling around dancing on one foot while trying to shake off the computer bag that was tightly wrapped around the other foot. Having bit it twice this morning already I was seemingly starting to get my wits about me as I didn’t go down. This was no accident, and now my previous incidents started to make sense – I had been booby trapped.

I went to the fridge to get milk for my cereal and was stunned to find that it was green. She would later tell me this is a St Patrick’s Day tradition but I know the truth – it was a blatant attempt to poision me. When I opened the cabinet above I was ambushed by a hailstorm of paprika, oregano, basil and bay leaves. They rained down from the shelf striking my hands, arms and feet. Although the aerial attack was well planned, I wasn’t fazed. It became very clear that these were a series of well thought out schemed attacks, but I needed to be sure. I went back to the bathroom door, closed it but didn’t go inside. Instead I quickly took cover behind the living room wall, peered over the edge and was shocked by what I witnessed next. Rocky, my sweet innocent puppy, went right back to place the tennis ball directly outside of the door. He caught me snapping a picture of him but I didn’t care, at this point I knew it was me vs. them. She had trained him well and he would surely pose as my most immediate threat in the house. It was time to get to my first chore.

As I unloaded the dishwasher I encountered what was definitely the most deliberate attempt on my life so far. Hidden amongst many pieces of silverware was a steak knife loaded upside down, point facing up. Had I not been paying better attention I was assured a serious injury. This move was intelligent. She took advantage of my lack of experience with this piece of equipment and preyed on my ignorance to its engineering. Her moves were becoming more clear and calculated and I had to be on high alert. I went downstairs to change the laundry and stumbled on the final step. This one seemed to be my fault but I couldn’t be sure – I’m positive it was part of her plan to get inside my head to the point where I may harm myself. My mental focus needed to stay sharp, she had me guessing at all angles. In the laundry room I was greeted by a small puddle of water which sent me flailing across the floor falling into a splits position that was in no way conducive to conception. There I laid – hunched over in pain on the basement floor. After crying for a minute I climbed back to my feet and finished up.

Upstairs Rocky was waiting by the door to be let out. Just as I got close enough to grab the doorknob I had an electric shock blast through my fingers and into my hand. Static electricity? Don’t be naive – the house had been wired, I’m sure of it. I can’t be certain who was responsible for this one, but Rocky sure as hell didn’t look above suspicion. Bruised, battered and imprisoned in my own home by electrical fencing I was left with nothing to do but sit and sulk. It was then that it hit me. They say lessons can’t be learned until blood is shed, and I will beat myself up over this decision for years but if I had to do it all over again – I’d probably put the seat down.

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  1. The Muzz says:

    This was a good laugh

  2. […] right?! So somebody was actually researching ways to kill his wife’s dog, stumbled upon my blog post, had a laugh, then went upon his¬†diabolical day. Since it’s looking like this may be a good […]

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