Don’t stand so close to me

Posted: March 19, 2010 in Don't be that guy
Tags: , , , , , ,

Especially when I’m trying to take a piss. Listen, I know I’m handsome, but that doesn’t mean I want to carry on a conversation with you or even entertain the jestful idea of playing swords (yes, I’ve been there). There are generally a few rules of urinal etiquette every man knows but many don’t follow. I had a short list of my own, but I was certain there were a few out there I couldn’t remember so I reached out to a few friends on this one.

First of all, if there are a few open spaces between me and the wall, don’t be an idiot – go by the damn wall. Besides being completely unnecessary to stand right next to somebody when there are plenty of open spots, it’s just fucking weird. Also – any time I saddle up to the porcelain bin of filth the last thing I’m thinking about is having a conversation with you about the waitress at table 6. If you’re looking to talk to somebody write your phone number on the wall like everybody else.

Usually that guy who wants to practically hold your hand is also the same guy that strolls in next to you wearing a giant, over sized coat or is, himself, over sized. As if it’s not awkward enough peeing 5 inches away from this heffer, I’m worried for his life as I listen to him struggling to breath. His myriad of chins are severely impacting the ability to get air into his lungs and if I have to catch this bastard while my fly is down I’m going to go berserk. I’m not concerned about the score of the game or the weather and even if I was, I sure as hell don’t want to discuss it while I’m holding my schlong. If you want to talk to me about something, we can talk about how I’m about to piss on your shoes if you don’t shut up – which brings me to my next point.

I love wearing sandals, who doesn’t? They’re light, comfortable and cool – unless you have to enter a public bathroom wearing them – then they’re terrifying. You’re almost better off enduring a bladder infection than risking the shower of piss you’re guaranteed to run into. Have you ever heard the phrase, “Don’t piss on my shoe and tell me it’s raining”? How about, just “Don’t piss on my shoe”. You’d think some of these guys had a super soaker hooked up to their pelvis the way they fight the splashback. Peeing with that kind of force is a danger to my feet as well as your pants so try going more than once a week and you’ll avoid the problem all together. There is no way anybody deserves to have their foot pissed on by some dumb ass who wants to prove how NOT gay he is by stand directly next to you. 

Speaking of gay, I’ve run into a few guys over the years who get entirely too much enjoyment out of taking a wizz. Every action they complete results in an audible release of exultation. The “oooh-ing”, and “aaahhh-ing” through the duration of their time in the bathroom should be punishable by the force-feeding of a urinal cake. It should come as no surprise that the same guy who can’t keep his mouth shut is also the same guy who can’t keep his eyes in front of him. Some establishments have even placed advertisements above each station to assist these perverted creeps in keeping their eyes off your junk and straight ahead, but there are some people who just can’t be helped.

After you’ve been thoroughly disgusted and accosted it’s time to get the hell out of there. It is at this point where you’ll likely run into one of the most repulsive types of people in the urinal etiquette arena. I’m still shocked every time I turn around to wash my hands and watch as the other guy zips up and walks right out the door, bypassing the sink as well as any respect he may have won back after moaning in my ear and pissing on my foot. They’ll all tell you, “I’m keeping my immune system strong!”. No, you moron – you’re a lazy, revolting scumbag who doesn’t have the patience that even a 4 year old would display. If you have to piss, go piss. Shut up, leave me alone and, for the love of god, wash your hands. If you don’t plan on washing your hands let me know right away and I’ll aim at your face – because it’s essentially the same thing.

Not a bad idea....

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