St. Patrick’s Day tomfoolery

Posted: March 17, 2010 in Whatever
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Don’t get me wrong, I love an excused absence of rational thought to get totally blitzed just as much as the next guy. There are a few things in particular you’re bound to run into as you gallivant the town on this disheveled day and I’m here to give you a heads up.

There will  be plenty of little people with giant egos. I’m Italian, so I know all about this, but the difference here is that the egos will be accompanied by stark raving drunks cloaked in green reeking of cabbage and mustard. Keep a close eye out for the ones in kilts – they’re pretty much begging for an excuse to punch you in the face.

Green beer is surely to be in abundance and this is definitely not a bad thing. If you are the kind of guy looking for the perfect sloppy mess to bring home – look for the green lipstick. If you are the kind of guy looking to just chill out and have a good time – stay home. I haven’t seen this many people flock to an oddly colored beverage since the People’s Temple cult ‘flavor-aid’ incident in 1978.

I’m not sure why they still do it, but some cities will dye the river green. It doesn’t apply in most places anymore because, frankly, the water is green 365 days/year. Nothing fills me with holiday cheer more than peering down into the green Milwaukee River and watching the dead fish, garbage and bodies float by. Erin Go Bragh!

It’s impossible to go the entire night without seeing a shirt, button or other piece of flare that has some ridiculous phrase like “Chi-rish”, or “Kiss me, I’m Irish”… No thanks. If I want a mouthful of vomit, beer and food – I’ll kiss Kirstie Alley.

What St Patrick’s Day celebration would be complete without a parade? I can’t think of a better way to top off this belligerent bash than gathering them all together and placing some behind the wheel of a giant vehicle shaped like a can of Guinness. My home city of Chicago got it right when they banned the damn thing this year. There are only so many vacant spots in paddy wagons and, frankly, I think the cops were simply getting tired of cleaning the piss off their seats.

I’m not here to shit on St Patrick’s Day. I always have a great time, and plenty of my friends are Irish. I just want to give everybody ample warning on the dangers that lurk near every pub in town. Besides, why would I want to piss off the Irish? They, historically, do a perfectly good of job fighting with each other all on their own.

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