Don’t be that guy (Drunk edition)

Posted: March 15, 2010 in Don't be that guy
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My most recent night out was an observational humor masterpiece. My eyes were wide in an attempt to take in the calamity. My ears were ringing from the casino-like buzz of mumbled conversation and boisterous tirades. It seems that in any crowd of inebriated fools there are always a handful that scream for attention even if they don’t know it. I can’t say with 100% certainty that I have not, at one point, fit one of these roles. What I can say is that I have been watching, and for years I have been compiling a mental list of the deplorable  behavior.

“The barbaric douche bag”: This is probably one of the more common drunk types out there, but it’s worth pointing out. This asshole is usually found with a beer soaked shirt (because liquor is for sissys) and plenty of enemies. On a good night you can find these guys in groups with, obviously, no women in sight. They’re generally yelling at and punching each other taking turns showing off bruises from their latest man-romp. If you’re unsure as to whether or not you’re dealing with one of these jerkoffs – wait until he goes to the bar and ‘accidentally’ bump into him. If he immediately threatens you with homophobic banter – this is your guy. You can try to get ahead of him in the bar line by sending your girlfriend but it won’t matter – these guys usually prefer stubble and adams apples anyway.

“Crouching tiger hidden tough guy”: I know what you’re thinking – “the barbarian douche bag” is the same thing. I am sorry to say, but you couldn’t be more wrong. The barbarian might fight if provoked but he is concerned about more important things – like anal beads. This weekend warrior is the kind of guy that goes from 0 – MMA wannabe in about 3 beers. He is usually looking for a fight for almost any reason imaginable and is totally prepared because he just watched ‘UFC Fight Night’ hours prior to heading out. This annoying asshole is tough to spot so you may need to wait it out. After everybody has settled in to the bar it is not uncommon to notice a scurry of people. After the dust has settled you will most likely find this beer balls ninja laid out on the floor after receiving a thorough ass beating.

“The wailing annoyance”: Generally female, she can be found bawling about something irrelevant or otherwise completely her own fault. Whether it be an argument she started, or a guy she mercilessly clings to that tossed her aside – she will be there – sniffling, stuttering and smearing the mascara on her face leaving her resembling Alice Cooper. Another trademark of this bumbling bitch is the almost guaranteed nature of misplacing a personal belonging. I recently witnessed one of these trifling tramps cry for over an hour about her lost wallet only to later find it underneath her seat. This is where, in some instances, the pestering becomes aggravated and she turns into the “Generic Accuser”. This is where the assailant ostracizes herself by accusing anybody and everybody of stealing her cell phone, lip gloss, or whatever worthless, bedazzled piece of shit she had managed to lose.

“The dance floor rapist”: This person is gender neutral, carefree and un-embarrassable in their attempts to completely violate you wherever you stand. Not to mention the fact that they, in no way, limit themselves to the dance floor. Standing by the bar waiting for a drink? Look out for the pelvic thrust. Talking to a friend? Keep your head on a swivel for the unannounced face squeeze. You can try to avoid her/him but it is unlikely to matter as you WILL be found, hugged, and spilled on. Directing this person towards the ‘wailing annoyance’ usually results in a healthy bought of laughter. The dance floor rapist in this instance is usually a woman, but there is a male version in this awkward alliance.

“Just let me sneak by”: You know this guy, squeezing his way through the crowd taking the most difficult route solely to cop as many feels as humanly possible. It happens so fast you don’t even know what hit you. A soft ‘excuse me’ followed by a violation of your personal space. This guy is often seen in such classics as the overzealous side-boob hug, the stumble and grope and the ‘scuse me ass grab. Most often this person is also the “hidden tough guy” so look for him to be knocked out cold after swiping a free feel from one of  “barbaric’s” frat brothers.

Phone call phantom”: You don’t even need to go out to run into this late-night hot mess. This person is identified by the fact that he/she is completely unidentifiable. This phone conversation is typically short lived; consisting of you saying things like “what?” or “hello?” while the dumb ass on the other end is screaming inaudibly as the noise from (Insert hot new annoying band name here)’s latest track is blaring in the background. They’ll tell you the next day it was done on accident or they were ‘so drunk they couldn’t remember’, but it is blatantly obvious this person  has severe daddy issues and just yearns for somebody else to notice what a good time they had.

“The pretentious pisser”: Corners, plants, sinks, walls, DJ tables… it doesn’t matter – this guy will piss anywhere and be damn proud of it. If you watch closely enough you can see it coming. He will get quiet and fade away from the conversation and if you’re lucky you will hear it before you feel it hit your ankles. There he is, letting loose, swaying back n forth and probably looking over his shoulder for approval. Unfortunately for him nobody gives a shit and it is almost always his one way ticket to a bouncer ass beating and a free toss into the street.

“The wanderer”: I couldn’t think of a better way to drift out of my post by describing that person that seems to always end up drifting away from the crowd. Most groups have this person, we’ll call her “Kristin” in this case for no reason at all. At some point you’ll hear one of your friends say, “Where the hell is Kristin?”. If it happens often (which it usually does) nobody gets too worried because that son of a bitch always seems to turn up somewhere, sometimes even beating you home. It is not uncommon to find her mingling with another group or even partaking in celebratory birthday shots with people you have never met. On some occasions the wanderer turns out to be the “passer outer” in which case he/she didn’t wander anywhere but to sleep. This inevitably leads to tampering with said person which is always downright hilarious.

Everybody knows these people, and if there is one on here that you can’t seem to figure out who it sounds like… it’s you.

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  1. Maura says:

    Another laugh out loud…. “Kristin” hahaha awesome.

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