A war tale

Posted: March 13, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , ,

They assemble at 05:00 hours, discussing the attack strategy and preparing for the morning’s battle. It is today that they have prepared for, today for which they have meticulously mapped every obstacle and it is today that they have strategized every possibility in expectation of a victorious outcome. It is Free Sample Friday at Pick ‘n’ Save and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This elderly battalion stood armed and ready, clothed in their smocks loaded with plastic gloves. Their utility belts were full of tooth picks, dixie cups and plastic sporks ready to be disbursed at a moment’s notice. All were ready for the grueling 3 hour shift, and prepared for the long haul by wearing their trademark orthopedic non-slip sneakers. At the front door stood Beauford, unassuming yet vehement in his goal to make sure I tasted the pineapple chunks he had sprawled out before him. I hurled a barrel of oranges at his feet and darted into the cereal aisle. I avoided disaster briefly but there stood Mabel, armed and ready with a wide array of oatmeal bars. I avoided eye contact but it just wasn’t enough to halt the barrage. She followed me down the aisle, launching a verbal assault of discounted sale prices and comparisons to lesser brands. Mabel fought her hardest but her swollen feet just weren’t enough to keep up so I was able to escape unscathed. As I screeched through the beverage section to cross off the final task on my grocery list I was confronted with my toughest foe yet. Ruth was prepared, ready and willing to do whatever it took to ensure I sampled the V8 drink she had set before her. I tried to escape left, then right but it was obvious she had been studying me for quite some time. Eye contact avoidance, turning my back, even the patented ‘wave off’ and “no thanks” were unsuccessful. I backed away slowly but quickly realized they had both exits flanked – one by a table of pizza rolls, the other by sausage and cheese trays. Panic began to set in and I feared for the worst. Ruth moved in closer, her prosthetic knee creaking. In the reflection of her oversized inch-thick eyeglasses I noticed Beauford closing in on me. That bastard managed to fend off my orange attack and was aggravated – trucking down the aisle at a pace so fast the tennis balls were propelled from his walker. I thought this was it, I  prepared to give in to the sample and as I put the cup to my lips I heard a sound so sweet it must have come from the heavens – it was my salvation. Dashing through the dairy section perched atop her shopping cart was my wife. Lauren’s ferocity was unmatched by our assailants as she blasted through Ruth’s table of terrible and crushed Beauford’s tray of annoyance. With a sense of urgency so great I leapt into the cart as we sped to the checkout line. We had made it… for now. Walking away from the grocers battlefield I saw Mabel gazing, grinning into the distance. Some say it’s Alzheimer’s, but I am sure she was mentally preparing for the next battle. Today we were victorious, purchasing only what we needed and not succumbing to the tactics of our elders. William Wallace would be proud.

“Fight and you may die. Run and you’ll live – at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may annoy us with unsolicited granola, but they’ll never take our freedom!!!”

Hell hath no fury like a rejected free sample employee

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  1. Tim says:


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