Depressed or Flatulent – the choice is yours

Posted: March 12, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Have you ever seen the commercials for depression drugs like Cymbalta? Upon completion of one of these cinematic works of art I usually find that my brain is lost in a dense fog of confusion and intrigue. I can’t be certain just how long these ads run, but it always seems like I’m watching them spew out nonsensical words I’ll never understand for roughly 3 and a half hours. The commercials are all the same. They start by showing a series of pathetic, dilapidated individuals who are just begging to inhale some pills and display artificial bliss. I wonder what the auditions were like – “You, on the left, you look like absolute dog shit – you’re hired”. So after they show the dejected group, the music picks up a bit and we are tossed into happy land, brought to you by big pharma and every slimy drug rep in the country. Those same people who sat crying in their bed, ignoring their kids or slouched over sitting on the floor are now suddenly sitting happily with their cat, out playing sports or finally getting that house work done. After the 1 minute commercial we generally get 3 hours worth of side effects read to us while we awkwardly watch the actor go about his daily business. I’d like to see a more realistic approach to this part of the commercial in particular.

The amount of side effects with a drug like this is staggering, which is why instead of having them read to us quickly while distracting us by portraying somebody doing something totally normal, I’d like them to be acted out. Fact of the matter is, there is a plethora of shit than can and does go wrong upon ingestion of this calamitous dope – some of which are down right hilarious.

Nausea, Drowsiness, Headaches, Dry mouth, Dizziness, Insomnia, Constipation, Fatigue, Diarrhea, Loss of appetite, Sore throat, Weakness, Sweating, Vomiting, A decreased libido, Upper respiratory tract infection, Coughing, tremors, Frequent urination, Muscle pain, Erectile dysfunction, Blurred vision, Anxiety or agitation, Weight loss or weight gain, Hot flashes, Yawning, Abdominal pain, Vertigo, Gas, Chills, Indigestion or heartburn, Seasonal allergies, Muscle spasms, Taste changes, Abnormal dreams, Cough, Suicidal thoughts or behavior, Anxiety, agitation, or panic attacks, Hostility or aggressiveness, Engaging in unusual or dangerous activities, Restlessness or inability to sit still, Extreme elation or feelings of happiness that may switch back and forth with a depressed or sad mood, Other unusual changes in behavior, Confusion or other mental changes, A rapid heart rate, Nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea Hallucinations, Blood pressure changes, An irregular heart rhythm, Overactive reflexes, Fever, sweating, or shivering, Shakiness, Agitation, Seizures, Coma, Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), Chest palpitations, Difficulty passing urine, Signs of an allergic reaction, including an unexplained rash, hives, itching, unexplained swelling,  wheezing, or difficulty breathing or swallowing.

To name a few… Now that was just boring, who wants to listen to or read that crap? I WANT A PERFORMANCE! I’d like an example of exactly what I’m in for. I want to watch a commercial where a guy swallows a pill and drifts into nirvana as he lifts a cheek to let one rip off a wooden chair. Give me a cinematic experience where a woman speeds through her hallway knocking down her children and kicking in her bathroom door to voop (vomit + poop) uncontrollably, all the while brimming with happiness. I need a visual dissonance of a man who’s outside says “life is good”, yet on the inside is trembling with panic screaming “KILL!!”. Maybe the commercial can conclude by showing a man laughing uncontrollably as he slips into a coma. I’d like to point out that one of the possible side effects of this antidepressant is suicidal thoughts or behavior and extreme mood swings… WTF?! Another notable side effect is loss of libido or erectile dysfunction, but it’s OK – they got something for that too! But it seems the biggest side effect to that drug is the sudden urge to drag your bathtub outside into a heavily wooded area and sit there for hours on end.

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Comments
  1. Dave says:

    AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

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