Vancouver brings home the Gold in Prophylactolympics

Posted: March 2, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Canada may have placed third in overall medal count, but the host city stood atop the mountain of fornication by breaking the record for most  condoms ever distributed at a Winter Games. This one took me by surprise seeing as how the opening ceremonies for the games were kicked off with a giant rod they had a hard time getting up (but they swear this has never happened to them before and it was just a one time thing). The grand total of nasty over a 17 day span came to 100,000 condoms that were supplied by the British Columbia Centre for Disease Control. I guess this explains much of the poor coverage, awful performances, and Scott Hamilton’s uncomfortable vocal outbursts during all of the figure skating events (hilarious compilation put together by gawker). It is now blatantly obvious that the reason these Winter Games sucked so bad was because every person involved was completely preoccupied boinking the bejesus out of one another. At one point it was reported that an emergency batch of 8,500 more baby blockers were shipped in from the Canadian Foundation for AIDS Research. No wonder all the skiers couldn’t make it 20 feet without spilling down the hill, they were obviously exhausted! It also explains some of the tremendous ass whoopings that were dealt out. Thanks, Sweden, for taking some time to peel yourselves off the townies, wipe the sweat from your brow and come play hockey for a bit (they lost 6-1 to USA and 8-0 to Canada). But hey, who can blame them? I’m sure maple syrup is one hell of an aphrodisiac. Phew, I’m getting tired just writing about this. Where is that chimp? I need to bum a smoke.

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