Lottery winners and drunken chimps

Posted: March 2, 2010 in Headlines that make you want to punch somebody
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Recently I posted an entry entitled, “Headlines that make you want to punch somebody”. Contained herein were a few stories I couldn’t quite wrap my head around. Not surprisingly I have come across plenty more headlines that make you feel the urge to slam your face into a wall in disbelief. Seeing as how there is an abundance of stupid people begging to be noticed, I started a category for these special feats of idiocy.

“Lottery Winner Eats $15,000 Winning Lottery Ticket”: The crew on a flight from Krakow, Poland, to the U.K.’s East Midlands airport were given what sounds like in-flight scratch off lottery tickets of which one man won $15,000 on. For whatever reason this blockhead felt as though he should be able to claim his prize right there on the plane. After what I can only assume was a situation where somebody told this dumb ass that most flights don’t carry $15,000 on hand and putting up a fight much to the chagrin of the crew, he decided he had only one option. Mr. Simpleton made the executive decision to eat his winning lottery ticket, which invalidated his claim. Who the hell, by any deductive reasoning in their right mind comes up with that solution? This is the kind of person that, when asked a question with 4 possible answer choices,  shits his pants and makes up his own. I’m just grateful this didn’t happen on American soil because I’m certain it would put us at threat level orange or whichever the hell color means, “be afraid”.

“Boozy chimp sent to rehab” (seriously): This one really shouldn’t surprise me as it seems there is always somebody chomping at the bit to do something completely mindless to and/or with wild animals as I’ve talked about before. Zhora, a chimpanzee hailing from mother Russia, had a tough time growing up on the streets. He became aggressive at his job with the circus, was laid off and shipped to the city of Rostov where he became tangled up with the wrong crowd. It is here that Zhora fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and fell into his 2 addictions – beer and cigarettes. It was even noted that Zholan could be found begging passers-by for a drag. All kidding aside (kind of), the person responsible for this atrocity should be obligated to allow the chimp to take a good hard swipe at his face for good measure. Who is sitting around having beer and smoking cigarettes with a chimp? Lucky for Zholan, they shipped his ass to Kazan (a.k.a. middle of nowhere) to undergo rehab; Lucky for us, imbeciles like this and that jerk off from the first paragraph will continue to do things that provide us endless hours of entertainment.

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