Headlines that make you want to punch somebody

Posted: February 28, 2010 in Headlines that make you want to punch somebody
Tags: , , , , , ,

I woke up this morning, skimmed the morning news and found the headline, “Kirstie Alley Launches Weight Loss Product”. I slapped my forehead in outrage after nearly passing out. Are you kidding me? I had my assumptions, but am now assured that a celebrity (even a bad one) can do whatever the hell they want and still come out on top. Who, in their right mind, would buy this product? The headline itself is an oxy moron; “Kirstie Alley” and “weight loss” are two words that, when put together, make my brain try to escape out of my ears. Listen – I am happy she’s losing weight, and I’m happy she’s trying to make some money any way she can right now but this is just wrong. I guess it’s not her fault though, I’ve learned that the American public is dumb enough to see a product and a celebrity face and actually relate the 2 positively. The misrepresentation of health strategies is a billion dollar industry and they feed off of the fact that we, the American public, are borderline retarded. The vast majority will believe anything and always look for the easiest way out – enter: celebrity endorsement. “If Kirstie Alley took it, the product MUST work!” Shut up. I wouldn’t take investment advice from the Enron executives and I don’t expect anybody to believe Kirstie Alley owes all of her success to a god damn elixir.

Shortly thereafter I ran into another gem that made me want to flip my kitchen table action-movie style: “It’s a chocolate lover’s dream! Tour Oprah’s first edible set, made from pure Godiva chocolate.” Holy hell. If you haven’t seen this monstrosity take a look. All we ever hear about is Oprah recommending the next healthy living tip, eating this – not that, being sensible, etc… I’ve heard people say, “But Oprah always does so much for other people”. Giving an audience free iPods isn’t an altruistic gesture – it’s a tax write-off. With starving people in other parts of the world and the underground slave labor used to acquire these cocoa pods, leave it to Oprah to pull some shit like this. Recommend your books to someone else you arrogant gas bag , I’m not as gullible as your viewing audience.

As soon as I thought I was done I found this: “Chris Brown: Nobody has right to judge Tiger”. Hey Chris – nobody deserves to have a boyfriend that beats their ass, but it didn’t stop you. Stick to what you do best, making awful music and punching Rihanna in the face, because I am certain the last thing Tiger wants is the support of a hood rat delinquent.

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