Punxsutawney Phil: Mother Nature’s minion

Posted: February 27, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , ,

With Spring just around the corner I can’t help but be reminded of just how much I like seeing winter hit on the ass on its way out. The source of my hatred is tough to pinpoint but maybe its the bitter cold, god awful conditions or the fact that everybody forgets how to drive at the exact moment it begins to snow. “But the snow is so beautiful”, right? Kiss my ass. The only people who love snow are those that don’t have to shovel it, drive in it or otherwise deal with the baloney that comes attached to the wretched crap. As if mother nature isn’t enough of a trifling whore by herself – she sends a foul, two-faced douche bag on a yearly mission to keep us lamenting over winter’s alleged extended stay.

The fuzzy little fuck, Punxsutawney Phil, makes his appearance every February 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. The worst part about this entire situation is that there is actually a group of people who wait on bated breath for Phil to tell them what’s going to happen next. They call themselves the “inner circle” and make so many outrageous claims you’d swear they were from D.C. Every groundhog day they gather, eating and drinking, selling t-shirts and giving their misguided and impossible to predict opinions on whether or not Phil will look right or left. Gathering to watch a groundhog is dumb all by itself, but listen to this: The average life of a groundhog is 10 years, yet these idiots stake claim in the fact that Phil is over 123 years old and owes this to an “elixir of life,” served every summer at the annual Groundhog Picnic, of which there is no proof of existence.

All of this is moot, really, because Phil’s accuracy is about as good as most major league hitters. Phil’s forecast has been recorded at being correct about 40% of the time (which, shit, is still better than baseball’s all time career batting average leader Ty Cobb with .366). It’s safe to say that I think Phil is full of crap. I know this is all done in good fun, but the press that Phil gets on his forecast is simply irresponsible. I think I’ll start applying this principle with my dog. When I let Rocky out in the morning and he pees on the right side of the yard – I’ll go to work, if not – I won’t. I’ll have all the neighbors come to the yard every morning and we’ll drink in celebration. Anyway – what we have here is a fictitious character making outrageous claims descending from a place that can’t be proven and who is wrong most of the time… Sounds a LOT like… I’ll digress.

Don’t get me wrong, I like spinning my tires in snow while punching my dashboard as much as the next guy, but I will never be sad to see winter go away. If it’s snowing in March and I’m stuck behind somebody going 30 in a 45 I’ll look up to the sky, raise my fist and blame that rat bastard, Phil.

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Comments
  1. Bill says:

    Testify, brother!

  2. melissa says:

    PETA would like them to use a robot groundhog instead…

  3. Tom says:

    You totally had to google that Ty Cobb stat

    • Fatchops says:

      sure did! haha. Hey I never claimed to be a walking almanac, but I’ll always make sure to be as accurate as possible. If I gotta google, I gotta google.

  4. ann sterzinger says:

    It’s too bad the little bastard is so cute.

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