Your bags may fly free, but you’re paying double for that fat ass

Posted: February 25, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , , , ,

No wonder Southwest doesn’t have to charge for your bags, they have all the fatties paying double (In case  you’re unfamiliar – if somebody’s muffin top is infringing on their neighbor’s seat they have to pay for two seats). Seeing as how the obesity rate in this country is off the charts it’s a good bet to say that they’re making their money back. I fully support this program. Any time I’m on an airplane and have to cringe as I watch some poor woman trapped under the gluttonous airtight seal of adipose I think – “I hope that bastard pays for this”. Now they do – literally. Kevin Smith (you know – Silent Bob) was the latest notable person to have been struck by the chunky arm of the law but he laughed it off and admitted he was fat. United has also got on board with the too fat to fly initiative and I am waiting to see who comes waddling off of a plane yelling at the stewardess in between bites next. Wouldn’t it be funny if everybody had to sit in a makeshift plane seat before boarding to ensure they fit like on a roller coaster?

I know what you’re thinking – “but Nick, you’re pretty fat too”. I am aware, but still support the idea. If I ever get to a point where my being in an airplane prevents someone form lowering their tray table I’ll do what any other overweight American would do – sue McDonald’s. This got me thinking about what else we can apply the ‘Too fat to ____’ rule to. I read somewhere that over 66% of Americans over 20 are obese. that is staggering. If there is anything I have learned in this life it is the only way to make a change is by hitting somebody where it hurts the most – in their wallet.

I once watched a woman pushing at least 350 lbs pull into a handicapped parking spot in the parking lot where I used to work. In one hand was a bag of Culvers and in the other a large beverage (sure to be a diet drink – because who needs those extra calories). With no visible limp, cane, sling or handicap sticker I came to the conclusion that she was simply lazy. I thought instead of having 600 unnecessary handicapped spots, let’s make half of those ‘fattycapped’ spots. Thats right – have the parking spots up close run on meters. It’s a win/win/win, let me explain: if they choose not to park there they have to walk (win), if they do park there they have to pay (win) and if they choose to lose weight they don’t have to pay and walking is no longer the hardest part of their day (win).

Listen I know it sounds harsh, but do you know what else is harsh? self-induced heart attacks (wait thats Burger King’s fault, or was it McDonald’s, who are we suing again?). I am positive most chunkers agree with this rule even if they’re not willing to admit it. Love it or hate it, nobody deserves to be smothered by a man boob flying 30,000 feet in the air while inhaling recycled air and B.O. I’m sure there are a handful of people in the ponderous community that would put their nose in the air to this rule – but I’m sure it’s only because they’re posturing to drop in that final french fry.

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  1. Melanie says:

    That 66% number you have up there is most likely a statistic that used BMI as a measure of obesity. Which, most of the time, is a bullshit measure because it doesn’t take your actual body fat % in to account. According to the BMI, I’m obese, which come on, I may be a little chubby, but you won’t see me qualifying to be on the Biggest Loser anytime soon. Not that I’m defending America for being fat, but whoever said that could at least not be LAZY and put out a real stat.

  2. Bill says:

    Just about pissed myself reading this. You need to find a way to better spread your word to the masses (the blog just scratches the surface of your potential). This entry made me think of a Facebook page you’d enjoy!/group.php?gid=2341177829 , called “Electric Scooters are for the Elderly and Broken, not for the Lazy and Fat!”

    • fatchops says:

      thanks man, it means a lot. I figured sending an invitation to my FB page to over 350 friends was a good start, haha. Good to know that people can laugh at this stuff like I do and not take everything so damn seriously.

  3. Kathy P. says:

    I’m fat, but not wide. I carry all my weight up front, so my seat belt buckles where it is supposed to. So I don’t have the same problems as some side to side people. 🙂 Here, have an M&M.

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