Archive for February, 2010

I woke up this morning, skimmed the morning news and found the headline, “Kirstie Alley Launches Weight Loss Product”. I slapped my forehead in outrage after nearly passing out. Are you kidding me? I had my assumptions, but am now assured that a celebrity (even a bad one) can do whatever the hell they want and still come out on top. Who, in their right mind, would buy this product? The headline itself is an oxy moron; “Kirstie Alley” and “weight loss” are two words that, when put together, make my brain try to escape out of my ears. Listen – I am happy she’s losing weight, and I’m happy she’s trying to make some money any way she can right now but this is just wrong. I guess it’s not her fault though, I’ve learned that the American public is dumb enough to see a product and a celebrity face and actually relate the 2 positively. The misrepresentation of health strategies is a billion dollar industry and they feed off of the fact that we, the American public, are borderline retarded. The vast majority will believe anything and always look for the easiest way out – enter: celebrity endorsement. “If Kirstie Alley took it, the product MUST work!” Shut up. I wouldn’t take investment advice from the Enron executives and I don’t expect anybody to believe Kirstie Alley owes all of her success to a god damn elixir.

Shortly thereafter I ran into another gem that made me want to flip my kitchen table action-movie style: “It’s a chocolate lover’s dream! Tour Oprah’s first edible set, made from pure Godiva chocolate.” Holy hell. If you haven’t seen this monstrosity take a look. All we ever hear about is Oprah recommending the next healthy living tip, eating this – not that, being sensible, etc… I’ve heard people say, “But Oprah always does so much for other people”. Giving an audience free iPods isn’t an altruistic gesture – it’s a tax write-off. With starving people in other parts of the world and the underground slave labor used to acquire these cocoa pods, leave it to Oprah to pull some shit like this. Recommend your books to someone else you arrogant gas bag , I’m not as gullible as your viewing audience.

As soon as I thought I was done I found this: “Chris Brown: Nobody has right to judge Tiger”. Hey Chris – nobody deserves to have a boyfriend that beats their ass, but it didn’t stop you. Stick to what you do best, making awful music and punching Rihanna in the face, because I am certain the last thing Tiger wants is the support of a hood rat delinquent.

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With Spring just around the corner I can’t help but be reminded of just how much I like seeing winter hit on the ass on its way out. The source of my hatred is tough to pinpoint but maybe its the bitter cold, god awful conditions or the fact that everybody forgets how to drive at the exact moment it begins to snow. “But the snow is so beautiful”, right? Kiss my ass. The only people who love snow are those that don’t have to shovel it, drive in it or otherwise deal with the baloney that comes attached to the wretched crap. As if mother nature isn’t enough of a trifling whore by herself – she sends a foul, two-faced douche bag on a yearly mission to keep us lamenting over winter’s alleged extended stay.

The fuzzy little fuck, Punxsutawney Phil, makes his appearance every February 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. The worst part about this entire situation is that there is actually a group of people who wait on bated breath for Phil to tell them what’s going to happen next. They call themselves the “inner circle” and make so many outrageous claims you’d swear they were from D.C. Every groundhog day they gather, eating and drinking, selling t-shirts and giving their misguided and impossible to predict opinions on whether or not Phil will look right or left. Gathering to watch a groundhog is dumb all by itself, but listen to this: The average life of a groundhog is 10 years, yet these idiots stake claim in the fact that Phil is over 123 years old and owes this to an “elixir of life,” served every summer at the annual Groundhog Picnic, of which there is no proof of existence.

All of this is moot, really, because Phil’s accuracy is about as good as most major league hitters. Phil’s forecast has been recorded at being correct about 40% of the time (which, shit, is still better than baseball’s all time career batting average leader Ty Cobb with .366). It’s safe to say that I think Phil is full of crap. I know this is all done in good fun, but the press that Phil gets on his forecast is simply irresponsible. I think I’ll start applying this principle with my dog. When I let Rocky out in the morning and he pees on the right side of the yard – I’ll go to work, if not – I won’t. I’ll have all the neighbors come to the yard every morning and we’ll drink in celebration. Anyway – what we have here is a fictitious character making outrageous claims descending from a place that can’t be proven and who is wrong most of the time… Sounds a LOT like… I’ll digress.

Don’t get me wrong, I like spinning my tires in snow while punching my dashboard as much as the next guy, but I will never be sad to see winter go away. If it’s snowing in March and I’m stuck behind somebody going 30 in a 45 I’ll look up to the sky, raise my fist and blame that rat bastard, Phil.

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In my opinion

Posted: February 26, 2010 in Random thought
Tags: ,

If you are going to wear pants that read “Juicy” or “Sexy” on the ass, then I have every right to call you a “whore” or “floozy” (yea that’s right, I’m bringing it back). I’m sure it’s all in the name of fashion, but I’m just trying to keep people honest. If I wore a shirt that said “fit”, I’d hope you put me in my place too. The only reason for putting words on the ass of your pants is to get people to look at it, right? If you need an adjective on your rear to get people to look at your front, chances are you’re wasting your time.

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Darwin was right…

Posted: February 26, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , ,

When I first started this blog I feared it would eventually become difficult to continually come up with new material. Lucky for me, I can count on two things: 1) I will always have an opinion on almost everything and 2) there is never a shortage of somebody somewhere doing something so stupid that I can’t help myself.

In case you haven’t heard by now Tilikum, a 12,000 pound killer whale at Orlando’s Seaworld, dragged his trainer into the water subsequently killing her. While this is tragic, I feel the need to point a few things out. First of all, this isn’t Tilikum’s first charge of assault with a deadly persona… or the second. This marks the third time the killer whale has lived up to his name’s suggestion. Call me crazy but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near something living that outweighs me by 11,800 lbs (Ok…. 11,770). Second, have you ever watched a dog at play that got too excited? Chances are he bit someone and that recipient wasn’t too enthused. Now imagine that dog at 6 tons – boom – serial killer.  I’m sorry (kind of) but I have no sympathy for someone who gets killed doing something idiotic. The hardest part for me to understand is the fact that this happens all the time and these dumb asses keep lining up to be the next “Darwin of the year” finalist. Wildlife photographers, Siegfried and Roy, that woman who got her face ripped off by her pet chimp….COME ON!!

If only somebody would do something to ensure this nonsense doesn’t continue… Good thing Chuck Tompkins, chief of animal training at Seaworld is on top of it- promising, “We’re going to make any changes we have to to make sure this doesn’t happen again”. Sorry Chuck but what’s the saying?…. fool me once- shame on you, fool me three times and you’re an incompetent numb nuts? I’ll accept “this won’t happen again” from a 5 year-old, but not from somebody with his level of responsibility (except politicians, of course).

Humans do a lot of stupid things on a daily basis (see: Year 2000 Presidential Election) but I can’t come to grips with the fact that in these cases the ass clowns always end up blaming the animal. Pay attention, this next part is important: if you follow a lion into the wild with a camera- chances are you’ll have a limb removed, if you force a tiger to jump through hoops of fire and perform tricks – chances are you’ll be torn apart, if you own a 200 pound chimpanzee and give it Xanax – chances are he’ll rip your face off and finally…drum roll please… if you attempt to handle a 6 ton killer whale with 2 priors on his record – CHANCES ARE YOU’LL BE DRAGGED INTO THE WATER AND KILLED. So the next time somebody is crushed by an elephant or otherwise moronically eradicated; remember that it is not the first time and sure as hell won’t be the last.

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OK, that’s enough

Posted: February 25, 2010 in Random thought

As if PETA isn’t already annoying enough, now they’re late to the Tiger bashing party too. PETA stands for “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals”, not “People Entertaining Themselves like Assholes”. They took Tiger’s situation to make a statement nobody cares about with a reason having no aim. What the hell does spaying and neutering have to do with the ethical treatment of animals? Are they saying it is unethical to leave your dog or cat’s parts in tact? You know- this ad is kind of funny, but it’s too bad it doesn’t make any sense and it’s a shame PETA came up with it because frankly nobody cares about what they have to say. I’m all for the ethical treatment of animals, but I’m also a supporter of well guided unselfish comedic jabs. PETA – do yourself a favor – stick to the awkward ads with the ugly half-naked people, that also, nobody gives a shit about.

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No wonder Southwest doesn’t have to charge for your bags, they have all the fatties paying double (In case  you’re unfamiliar – if somebody’s muffin top is infringing on their neighbor’s seat they have to pay for two seats). Seeing as how the obesity rate in this country is off the charts it’s a good bet to say that they’re making their money back. I fully support this program. Any time I’m on an airplane and have to cringe as I watch some poor woman trapped under the gluttonous airtight seal of adipose I think – “I hope that bastard pays for this”. Now they do – literally. Kevin Smith (you know – Silent Bob) was the latest notable person to have been struck by the chunky arm of the law but he laughed it off and admitted he was fat. United has also got on board with the too fat to fly initiative and I am waiting to see who comes waddling off of a plane yelling at the stewardess in between bites next. Wouldn’t it be funny if everybody had to sit in a makeshift plane seat before boarding to ensure they fit like on a roller coaster?

I know what you’re thinking – “but Nick, you’re pretty fat too”. I am aware, but still support the idea. If I ever get to a point where my being in an airplane prevents someone form lowering their tray table I’ll do what any other overweight American would do – sue McDonald’s. This got me thinking about what else we can apply the ‘Too fat to ____’ rule to. I read somewhere that over 66% of Americans over 20 are obese. that is staggering. If there is anything I have learned in this life it is the only way to make a change is by hitting somebody where it hurts the most – in their wallet.

I once watched a woman pushing at least 350 lbs pull into a handicapped parking spot in the parking lot where I used to work. In one hand was a bag of Culvers and in the other a large beverage (sure to be a diet drink – because who needs those extra calories). With no visible limp, cane, sling or handicap sticker I came to the conclusion that she was simply lazy. I thought instead of having 600 unnecessary handicapped spots, let’s make half of those ‘fattycapped’ spots. Thats right – have the parking spots up close run on meters. It’s a win/win/win, let me explain: if they choose not to park there they have to walk (win), if they do park there they have to pay (win) and if they choose to lose weight they don’t have to pay and walking is no longer the hardest part of their day (win).

Listen I know it sounds harsh, but do you know what else is harsh? self-induced heart attacks (wait thats Burger King’s fault, or was it McDonald’s, who are we suing again?). I am positive most chunkers agree with this rule even if they’re not willing to admit it. Love it or hate it, nobody deserves to be smothered by a man boob flying 30,000 feet in the air while inhaling recycled air and B.O. I’m sure there are a handful of people in the ponderous community that would put their nose in the air to this rule – but I’m sure it’s only because they’re posturing to drop in that final french fry.

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Is it in you?

Posted: February 24, 2010 in Whatever
Tags: , ,

Tiger’s old Gatorade ad has a slightly different meaning now doesn’t it? I’m sure I can go on for days with corny references to any poster ever printed – “What are you made of?”, “To accomplish more, sometimes you have to see less”, “Being a winner takes hard work and sweat”, “The road to performance isn’t always paved”…. yada yada yada. I’m positive it wouldn’t be hard to find a photo with his patented emphatic fist pump (I’ll resist). Problem is, I don’t give a shit about golf and I even give LESS of  a shit about how a millionaire golfer doinked every hosebag in the country. Unless Tiger is caught on the 18th hole during the PGA tour meeting with Al Qaeda discussing ways to outlaw the NFL I really couldn’t care less.

This whole situation was blown up to the point where I actually sympathize with Tiger. He is a millionaire athlete, the greatest of his sport and undoubtedly has women throwing themselves at him regularly. He’s just a man being a man right? Oh wait – he’s married? what an ass hat. Well in that case!!…. nope, still don’t give a shit. What he does (or doesn’t) do to his wife is of no concern to me. Maybe its my disinterest in golf as a whole, who knows – but there is just nothing exciting about hitting a ball as hard as you can and walking after it in scorching heat. Let’s not forget that somehow golf became the universal business sport. How in the hell did that happen? I’d do much better if I could take a client out for a nice game of tackle football. At least then I wouldn’t be left sweaty, hacking away at the rough while disappointing everybody (woops, there I go again).

Regardless of what happens with Tiger’s story I will most likely be glued to the TV to find out what happens next- because even if I wanted to change the channel to watch something else there he is – covered in Nike, reeking of money and hookers.

Even though the media has made it obvious that Tiger has nailed a hole in one (damn it, sorry that’s the last one I promise) with seemingly anything with legs, I’d like them to back off a bit. Wouldn’t you want Tiger to get his wife’s lambasting behind closed doors like the rest of us? For a person who has been 1 step ahead his entire life, it is probably the only ordinary thing he’ll ever have to endure.

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