Lebron James: self-righteous ass bag

Great basketball player? No question. Do I want him on the Bulls? You better believe it. Does he have balls the size of watermelons and an ego that makes even Brett Favre bow before him? Obviously. 

...of what happens when ESPN kisses your ass for 7 years."

Tonight at 8pm CST Lebron James is holding an hour-long ESPN special to announce which team he is going to sign with. The balls on this guy, and we thought the Brett Favre shenanigans were bad. I’m not sure how he thinks this Lebron-a-thon doesn’t end with everybody thinking he is a tremendously arrogant, self-absorbed piece of shit. Consider the scenarios: if he stays with Cleveland, he unnecessarily strung along everybody else just to give them the proverbial middle finger on a national stage. If he leaves Cleveland, it is the equivalent of pulling his pants down and asking the Cavalier fans to kiss his ass in one of the most epic breakups I’ve ever seen. Instead of signing an extension years ago or dealing with a team like a normal fucking person, Lebron thinks it necessary to drag this out and parade on stage in what has to be one of the clearest displays of pompous douchebaggery in the history of professional sports. 

Lebron already announced that he will name his team in the first 10 minutes of the broadcast, which means the ESPN anchors will undoubtedly just powder his balls for the next 50 minutes while “King James” makes it rain on them. I’m not saying I blame him, I mean what would you do if the whole world kissed your ass since High School? Granted, whichever team he signs with will produce an elated fan base, and if the Bulls land him I’d be stupid not to be happy – he makes them a much, much better team and closer to winning a title and I’m on record as saying that’s really all I care about. This, however, is a tough pill to swallow. I can not be convinced that this is anything other than a self-indulgent spectacle to show to the world that Lebron James can do whatever the hell Lebron James wants to do and there isn’t a damn thing anybody can do about it. 

“But he’s giving some money to The Boys and Girls Club.” Shut up, that’s what rich people say when they just want to have their feet kissed publicly without feeling guilty about it. If he really wanted to help a charity, why not just cut them a check with his ridiculous contract he’s about to receive? Because he likes it when ESPN gives him a reach around, that’s why. Speaking of which, I’d like to send a personal “fuck you” to ESPN for hugging Lebron’s ass through this whole process. Every reporter has a different source telling them he’s going somewhere else, and the news feeds have just been embarrassing to watch so they thought, “Fuck it, since none of us know what the hell is going on, why not let Lebron do our jobs for us?” I’m convinced that even if Lebron signs with the Bulls, Stephen A. Smith (renowned ass hat) will still report that he’s heading to the Knicks. 

This whole thing is almost too ridiculous to wrap my head around, but that being said, I’ll still tune in because sports are like my bible – regardless of how stupid it sounds I still follow it like mindless drone (it’s my curse). I do want to ask something of you guys though. It’s been widely reported that Lebron finally joined Twitter, and I’m sure he has received an outpouring of affection from all his fans. Take a minute and let @KingJames know he’s kind of a dick (I did) and send him the link to this post.

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Blocked by Bernard Berrian

Bernard Berrian, mediocre NFL wide receiver, recently blocked me from following him on Twitter. I consider it a small feat for every person who’s sick and tired of hearing millionaires complain about stupid shit. Berrian consistently complained about having to pay bills, and about how much he hated it. So I told him that millionaires aren’t allowed to bitch about money. He complained again, so I let him have it again. That’s all it took, he couldn’t handle it and blocked me without ever responding. Even though he never had the balls to say anything back, he took the time to block me so I am putting this in the win column. In all seriousness, I’m pretty bummed. Now I’ll be left without Tweets like

And the classics:

Awwww, sorry buddy, still sore about losing your job to a rookie and somebody else nobody’s ever heard of. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do just fine as the #3 WR, and I’m sure you’ll get the money you want when they renegotiate your contract and realize how much they overpaid for your sorry ass in the first place. At least your avatar picture isn’t incredibly gay. Oh, wait.

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This is what stupid looks like: The Peace Pucker

This is easily in my top 10 dumbest things I’ve ever seen (Maintaining a list of only 10 has become increasingly more difficult, by the way. Hell, after watching the news just last night it jumped to 18). I’ve seen this retarded pose too many times over the years and I’ve reached my breaking point. Every dumbshit hoebag on Facebook or Twitter has a myriad of pictures where her and her stupid friends are embarrassing themselves for the whole world to see by signaling peace accompanied by their  best Zoolander impression. It would be a funny joke, except for the fact that they are dead serious and actually think they don’t look like complete ass hats.

What does that even mean? What are they trying to say? “I want world peace, but I’m also a slut”? It’s also not a coincidence that most of these pictures are taken by themselves. You’ll see one arm going out of frame – in order to hold the camera. This is probably because as soon as they made that stupid face and put the peace sign up, whoever was holding the camera dropped it and left the room so they were left having to take it them self.

Who was the first person who, when asked to smile for a picture, panicked and posed like a dumbass instead? I would have liked to see the look on the person’s face standing next to her in the picture. “Did you… just… put a peace sign sideways and try to kiss me? What the hell are you doing? You look like an asshole.” The next time somebody says, “say cheese”, just fucking smile like the rest of us because you do, in fact, look like an asshole.

Toilet paper: over or under?

And from Twitter…

Looks like the clear winner is ‘over’, with an honorable mention going to “use my hands”. Any rebels out there go for the under?

It’s not official until it’s on Facebook

I’d like to see what would have happened if I pulled some shit like this at the altar.